The Rules

Here are some helpful Rules that I have established for myself in the last 7 months of being a mother:

1. Use the Vulcan Death Grip on the container of food when feeding the baby.  If you don't they will inevitably knock the entire thing out of your hand with a swift Jackie Chan like move.
2. Don't get attached to your Cashmere if you choose to wear it with the baby.  Those are the ones that fall victim to the chunky spit up that is mysteriously bigger in volume than what they ingested.
3. Fold the poopy diaper over immediately after undoing it....if not, they will straighten their legs and get shit everywhere!
4. Enjoy yourself when other people are holding your baby.  Don't watch them and worry if they are getting tired of having their necklace grabbed and pulled.  They will give him back to you when they have had enough, and if they don't, then they deserve the torture since they are complete idiots!
5. A Video Monitor is a God-send even if you have a small house.  It lets you make sure that they haven't figured out how to fasten their binky to the blanket in order to throw themselves out of the damn crib.
6. Don't wish for more!  Enjoy every stage, and don't get excited about crawling!  Relish in their boring, "just laying there" stage.  You can leave them there and know that they will be in the same spot when you come back in the room.  Crawling is a nightmare.....even if they just go backwards!
7. Don't feel guilty about having the TV on.  PigPen's brain has not run out of his ear yet.
8. It's okay to cry over spilled milk.  Especially if it is milk that was expressed from you via a loud obnoxious pump that you will learn to loath in the middle of the night!
9. Trust your instincts!  Mother knows best, and father knows nothing that you haven't already told him.  Especially when you are about to embark on the four hour flight that your husband says is Full.  Go ahead and ask the gate agent if you can take the car seat on.  That way you won't hate your husband as you longingly gaze at the empty seat across the aisle when your child is acting like a maniac.  He would have slept for two hours in his car seat!
10. Take pictures!!  You will forget how little and cuddly they were if you don't!

Nostalgia

So I spent two weeks in Texas for the holidays, and we had a great time.  My mom and I set out to put some photo albums together.  We wanted to do one for my brother, my sister, and me. We popped a bottle of bubbly and headed upstairs to start the fun!  

And this is why we still have no albums.....we can't get through the organization part.  I just sit and laugh and laugh at our hair, our clothes, my dad's tight pants and polyester coaching shorts.....all of my cute or sometime loser boyfriends.  We didn't even make a dent. 

Speaking of old boyfriends;  I had more pictures of one in particular.  The one that I was going to marry, but decided not to almost a month before.  He was so cute.  We had so many great pictures, and so many great memories.  After looking at all of those pictures I undoubtedly had a dream about him.....I don't remember now what it was, but it was just one of those weird unexplainable...it was me, but it wasn't, and we were in my house, but it wasn't my house kind of dreams.  

I didn't think much of it as I put on my cute designer sweatpants, long sleeve T, Uggs, and a leopard scarf to wear to the dreaded small town post office!  I hate the damn post office, and especially the stupid one in my mom's small Texas town.  Everybody knows each other and talks to the damn workers even though the line is about 14 people deep.  There are 5 windows at the post office, but there will only be two workers on a good day.  And the pick up window....well that sucks too.  It is only open from 8am-8:30am.....hey thanks......don't overdo it or anything!  

I figured it didn't really matter who I saw at the post office that early in the morning, and I would definitely keep the Wayfarers on the entire time.  I went to Starbucks before hand to get a hot chocolate.  Starbucks is totally off limits right now, but I figured we could make an exception since I was having to embark on such a horrible errand.  So, I walk in, Starbucks in hand, and surprisingly there are only 4 people in front of me at the pick up window...one of those people is about 120 years old, so she might have died in line making me only have to wait behind 3 people.  Well, she survived, but was not the swiftest lass, and I actually got my packages within about 30 minutes......it was a damn Christmas Miracle.

The parking lot dumps you out on a different street than you come in, so I ended up in a neighborhood, and my Dad got my mom the GPS in her Range Rover, but she never learned how to use it, so I was shit out of luck there.  I thought I was starting to recognize things....I turned a few times, and looked as though I was headed for the main drag when all of a sudden, I was face to face with the First United Methodist Church.  Yes, the very church that I was to be married in!  The very church where I willingly went with said fiance to meet the preacher and talk about our courtship.  The very church where I bawled my eyes out when the preacher, minister, Reverend.....whatever you call him, asked me to tell him everything that I knew about said fiance from birth to now.  I knew it all.....from his first grade teacher, to how he didn't get to walk at graduation because he had too many absences from skipping school to water ski with his friends......I was talking and crying.  Not just crying, but border line sobbing. The ugly cry with the uh uh uh in between every so often.  He was looking at me like a was a crazy person, and I was.  The poor minister man didn't know what to think either.  He was just looking at me and handing me kleenex after kleenex.  I didn't know what to do, so I just kept talking and crying....it was horrifying!  I'm not a cryer!  I didn't even cry when I saw Beaches......when we were little my brother cried when we saw the Fox and the Hound.....did I cry....no!  I'm not a cryer, so the sheer thought of this reality was mind boggling! 

The preacher man didn't even let us get to him describing me.  I think everyone was just a little too uncomfortable by that point.  He said that we would stop for now and pick up later......holy shit!  What had just happened?  It was the weirdest thing.  After the exorcism of sorts we were to meet my parents and God Parents at a great old hotel for brunch and champagne.  We got in the car, and he asked me if I was okay.....I told him I was and that I didn't know what had come over me.  We brushed it off as wedding weirdness and headed to brunch where my mom took one look at me and knew that I had been crying.  I think that is why I don't cry....I look like sloth when I cry.  I get all red swollen and blotchy......it's not good.....there is really no part of it that's good.  The funny thing is....I think crying was a bad look for me back in the Fox and the Hound days....hm.  

Anywho, I now know why I was bawling!  I didn't want to marry him, and hadn't figured that out yet.  I was just going through the motions with a man that I did love, but didn't love enough for the long haul.  I didn't know that then, and I am so happy that I figured that out....be it one month before the wedding, but thank God!!  

I walked into the house after my trip down memory lane to my now husband turning my now baby upside down and swinging the little giggling 7 month old by his feet around and around until he barfed up prunes all over the floor.  Nice!  I love him, and I love my life.  It's funny how it almost didn't happen.  I think the holidays is always a time when you look back on things, and think "what if".  Well, it wouldn't have been horrible, but I definitely wouldn't have been like this, and I love this!  

Tootles!

The Toilet Seat

My friends are coming to visit me from LA today, and I am sooo excited that I could pee my pants.  They will be here around 6, so I really shouldn't be blogging......I should be cleaning like a mad woman, but I had to take a pause and eat some Cosmic Cocos.  They are generic cereal deliciousness from Whole Foods, and they actually taste healthy.

Anyway, so I am cleaning away.....vacuming, dusting, sweeping, what have you, and then I get to the bathroom.  The damn bathroom!  The bathroom that my husband said that he would clean when we agreed to let our stupid, I hated her, cleaning lady go.  We decided that I would clean everything in the house except for the shitters and the floors under the shitters.  

Here is my reasoning on this......I don't pee on the seat.  I really don't think I would ever have possibly accidently peed on the seat.  I sit, I go, I wipe, I stand.  Thus, no chance of peeing on the seat ever!  Also, I never lift up the seat to do anything.  If the seat was glued to the bottom part of the toilet, I would be exactly the same as I am today.  I would still:  sit, pee, wipe, then stand. So, I politely suggested to my husband that he should clean the toilet indefinitely unless I happen to decide to start peeing standing up.  Don't worry, I will definitely let him know if that happens.

Let's move to the floor under the toilet.......once again, no chances of me getting anything on the floor, so I refuse to mop it.  The thought of it makes me throw up a little.  That is why you have a cleaning lady, and since we don't have one anymore, I will not do it!  I will stand my ground, I will not do it I say!

BUT, here's the issue.  My friends are coming to stay tonight, and said husband still has not cleaned said toilets or floors.  What's a girl to do?  This sucks!  Apparently, if I want to be a good hostess and have spotless toilets for my guest, I need to break down and clean the damn things.  I mean, let's be real here, the toilets aren't growing a go-T or anything, and there are no visible droplets on the under seat part, but I just can't help but think of that Lysol commercial that shows all of those horrible "germy bug things" on the phone and on the doorknob.  I think of the toilet seat like that!  

UUUgggg!  No, not Uggs, I like those.  UUUgggg!  I don't want to tackle this. I do have some really cute blue rubber gloves that have a little sassy ruffle at the bottom.....I don't want to subject those to the toilet, but I guess I have to.  I love him, but I will hate him the whole time I'm in there.  Bastard face!

Santa

Yes, PigPen went to see Santa today for the first time ever!  We decided to go to the nice mall for the photo since we (really I) figured that they would have a better Santa.  I was really hoping for an old man with a real beard since Pig loves to pull on anything with hair, so a fake beard would definitely be history if he got a hold of it.  He's good at grabbing, but we are still working on the letting go part.  

So, we parked at Neiman's and started our search for Santa.  My husband asked me, as we were driving, if I knew exactly where Santa was in the mall since he really didn't have a huge window of time.  I told him that I did not, but that we would just park at Neimans regardless and start our search from there....only after we walked by the Chanel boutique of course.  

I told him that if the mall was smart, they would put Santa in the "new part" by all of the fabulous stores since those stores are most likely struggling for business. I doubt Bottega and Louis V are selling out of bags this season.  

We parked, we walked by the Chanel Boutique, I whimpered, and low and behold......Santa was right where I said he would be.  My husband got in line as I took care of some business at Louis V and Tourneau....nothing exciting, just a return and a pick up of something that needed to be fixed.  

After my errands I walk out of Tourneau only to find a long snake of a line for Santa, but luckily my husband was in the middle, but closer to the front.  He had our BOB stroller parked right in front of a damn Bugaboo.  I wanted a Bugaboo so bad.  I totally fell for the marketing ploys and the videos they have on the internet.  I tried so hard to justify the $900 stroller to my husband......I even went for the, "we wouldn't even need to buy a pack n play since the bassinet comes off and would work for years!" route.  He didn't buy it.  He told me he would rather throw up everyday than buy a $900 stroller, so we used our REI dividend and got the BOB for about $40.  

I made a pact with myself that since I have no friends, I would befriend the next Bugaboo pusher I see at the mall.  I won't have stroller envy, but I will use it to my advantage...I will strike up a conversation by asking about the stroller.  So, I did just that!  I asked the cute Seven for all Mankind wearer how she liked her stroller.  She loved it and only had fabulous things to say about it.  Her husband even chimed in with some positives, but caved quickly when my husband said that he nipped that in the bud asap with me.  The husbands talked about how ludicrous the price was, and the wives talked about how cute it was and how uber functional. It was a match made in heaven!  They were really cool, and we exchanged phone numbers!!!!  Yeah!  We made a friend!

So, enough about my triumph, let's talk about Santa.  The Santa line is really really funny!  I haven't really ever paid attention in the last 20 years of my life, so today was a sobering experience.  You could blackmail people with the shit that they do in front of Santa.  I mean, everybody wants their kid to smile right, so they do all of these stupid ridiculous things that should not leave the privacy of your own home!  It's fantabulous!  

The best part was watching those total Brie Vandecamp moms who want their child to have the absolute perfect picture.  It's like they brought every noise making toy that they had from home because they anticipated their child not responding well to the shitty cowbell that the elf rings to help produce a smile.  It was so interesting to see how many pictures they would make the poor lady take before they got a good one.  It's borderline humiliating since the line is right there, and the people who are at least 4 families deep can see how much time you are rudely hording for your own kid.......some people just don't care. 

Our turn finally came, and we sat Pig on Santa's lap, and he did great!  Just like the future babyGap model that he is.  He looked at the camera twice, and then went straight for that beard.  He tried to rip it off, but it was actually growing from his face.  He then thought, well, if I can't pull the beard off, I will try to eat it!  I had to take him away since I wasn't sure if Santa really wanted to make out with my son or not.  

Needless to say, we got a great picture and met some people our own age that seem like they might have some things in common with us!  Score and a half!  Go Santa!

No poops for you!

Well, it is day #2 of no #2s for the Pig.  His movements have definitely changed since the introduction of rice cereal, and then oatmeal, and of course some fruits.  That poor little guy needs to get regular!

Yesterday he had two helpings of prunes, only one helping of oatmeal.  He won't drink juice, and I can't stand the thought of giving him another baby enema.  AAhhhh! 

Today we nursed twice and had a bath.  He blew some major butt bubles in the bath.....a little scary since we were having our bath in the kitchen sink, but really....I wouldn't have been upset if he shat in the tub/kitchen sink.  That poor little guy is straining and grunting and tooting up a storm.  

I guess we are going to go "old school" and try the Karo syrup.  I just hate to add foreign substances to my precious breast milk, and I say precious because I absolutely despise pumping.  Pumping is the most ridiculous thing on earth, and I hate that my husband has seen me do it more than once!  Thus, I want to die if I he won't take the bottle with the golden milk in it!

Any suggestions on the pooping???

It's Friken Freezin Out there Mr. Biglesworth!

Holy Shit it is cold outside!  I walked out this morning to see if we could walk home from our errand,  and forget about it!  Sam's snotty nose would be frozen in an instant!  I was watching the today show, and that annoying bundle of giggles Al Roker said that the windchill was 0 in Boston! 

Yes, 0!  WTF!  How in the world do you dress a baby for this weather? He does have some Patagucci overalls from his Uncle Joshy, but OMG, the baby will freeze.  I on the other hand will most likely be fine.  Believe it or not, this Texas girl doesn't freeze easily.  My husband bought me one of those North Face puffy coats for Christmas one year.  He picked the one that you can wear comfortably in Antarctica.  Needless to say, I pit out every shirt underneath when I try and wear that thing.  Well, I guess it will be making an appearance more than once this winter!

My Best friend from LA is coming to visit this weekend. She is going to freeze her ass off!!!

Single Mom Respect

Yes, let's talk about single mothers.  I have so much respect for you!  I'm married, but my husband travels quite a bit for work, so that leaves me and the boy at home to entertain ourselves.  I love the boy, don't get me wrong....I love him so much that the thought of anything bad happening to any little boy makes me want to vomit.  Didn't really have those feelings before. For example, there was a Jackass episode, back when they first started, that involved leaving a carseat on the top of a car and driving off.  

I think I might become Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider if I saw something like that.  I imagine myself suddenly having a long brown ponytail and skin tight shiny clothes, running like that trackstar in the new cellphone commercial, alongside the car as I leap into a front flip to retrieve the carseat from the top of the car unscathed.  Okay, I suck!

Anywho, the point to my rambling is, I used to think that was funny, now, it would make me vomit after I turned into Angelina of course.

So, I love the boy, we all know that, but I'm not gonna lie.  It gets hard talking to someone who babbles and grunts all day everyday for 5 days with no daddy coming home to take over.  I start to feel guilty at times.  "Am I leaving him for too long in his Exersaucer?  Should we be singing Baby Einstein songs, and reading every book on the shelf?"

Is he going to be not as smart as he could be if I don't pay every second of attention to him that I have throughout the day?  Is it child abuse to push him around TJ Maxx for an hour, and then run through HomeGoods when he starts to get fussy (just to make sure we didn't miss anything)? 

Is his brain going to run out of his ear if we watch the Rachel Zoe Marathon that I recorded, and then just ease right into 3 or 4 Food Network shows?  Is it bad to have the TV on all day when you live in a log cabin on a lake that is slowly freezing over?  These are my questions.  

I know I'm a good mom, but I also know that it is so much easier when you have a "live in" aka "baby daddy" to share the experience with every night.  I would hate to always be by myself.  I guess we would go to more playgroups....how lame!  Playgroups aren't all lame, but I mean really, do I want that to drive my existence?  

I don't want to talk about whether or not he should be swaddled at night still, and hear what kind of food other mothers started with, and how Wal-Mart is marking down their Bokugan set.....what the hell is a Bokugan anyway?  I want to talk about adult things.  Do single moms ever get to do that?

I should sign off since he is indeed in his excersaucer, and my pasta has been sitting in the microwave for about half an hour now.  I should eat!  I hear its good for the milk supply.

SO, Single mom......MUCH RESPECT! 

Death to Cable companies....not really, but I hate them!

Hey there Blog followers....so, I wake up this morning rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off because I have to get PigPen dressed and off to daycare.  "Did I get his oatmeal, his milk, he needs a hat a jacket, a pack and play sheet....a change of clothes in case he shits himself...which he will.....he didn't yesterday, but he will give them a big stinky love dump at day care."  (Could I use .......  any more?)

Anyway, so I'm trying to get him there before 10am so I can at least get my money's worth.  I actually had a food tasting to go to today.  It was for Wildtree foods by this sweet girl that I met at a pot luck one day.  So, I get home and start to get ready for the tasting and low and behold, the damn cable doesn't work.  I tell myself, "Self, just forget about it and turn on the radio.......get in the shower and wash that mop on your head."  Didn't work.  I broke down and called the idiots at the cable company.

I paid my bill over the phone the other day, so things should be hunky dorey, but no, they are telling me that I owe $405.  WHAT!!!  WHAT!!! I don't think so!  My husband doesn't even watch sports, so we don't even have all of that stupid NFL ticket crap.....we have basic cable.  So, I come to find out that when I paid the other day over the phone, the bank rejected it, so they send me to collections like I am some thief or liar, or better yet, the scum of the earth.  I talk to the lady, and end up putting the damn balance on my American Express, and I can just feel her thinking that I have no money, and that I am diving deeper and deeper into debt because I am having to pay for my cable on my credit card....I hated her.  

So, I didn't get to shower, or wash the mop, but I did my best with the three velcro rollers that I put in the back of my bed head, and ended up looking somewhat squeaky. However, I can't help but think that I don't have enough money in my checking account.  I secretly then hate my husband for making us put all of our money in saving so it can earn interest....like 1 cent.  So I need to transfer funds, but I have no internet, and I'm thinking, "shit, I'm going to have to buy food at this thing and write a damn check....a check that could be hot!"  

 The food tasting was pretty good:  better than a poke in the eye.  It was like Mary Kay, but with food. She didn't have change for my cash so I had to write her a check.....a scary freakin...I think it might bounce check.  OMG!

I wrote the check and then rushed home to pump and check my stupid account.  I call Marc to get the passwords, and prepare to move funds, and low and behold.....we have way enough money in our account for 8 cable bills!  Thus, I hate them!  

Some total moran at the cable company dropped the ball with my bill, and stressed me out thinking that we are bouncing checks and that my husband is going to kill me since that is one of my few responsibilities.  I hate them!

We had a pretty busy day today....considering we have no life just yet here in MA.  We started off the day with a baby music class.  I was invited by a woman that I met at the Doctor's office.  She is really sweet, and helping me get integrated into the mom scene west of Boston (BFE). Music class was pretty cool.  When I agreed to go I didn't take into account one major aspect; I don't usually sing in public.  I don't sing in church, I don't sing in the car in front of strangers, I don't sing at concerts really, soooooo......did I sing in class, ah, a little.  I think Sam had fun.  We will see if I join.

After music class, we went on a shopping excursion.  This is what it has come to.  My mom asked me if I found anything cute and Gucci that she could by for my sister April for Christmas.  My response was, "I went to Wal-Mart and Whole Foods, so no, I did not run across any thing cute and Gucci for April."  

After that we came home and bundled up for a walk.  There is one street in the town next to mine that features beautifully fabulous mansions.  I thought maybe we would walk down the street and one of the mansionites would see us, and invite us in for a Starbucks Signature Hot Chocolate since they probably have a little Barista in each mansion.  No dice.

Now we are home watching recorded episodes Tyler's Ultimate on the Food Network and wishing that we too had new potatoes, lemons, capers, pearl onions, and frozen peas in our kitchen.  We don't, so we will have to settle for the red and white striped raviolis filled with crab and lobster that we bought from whole foods.  I'm sure that is not on the "okay foods to buy" list since we are trying to save money.  

We still own our fabulous condo in Austin since no one can get a loan these days to buy it.  We also have a building lot off of South Congress Avenue in Austin, and then our rent.  So, to say it like my neighbor Joan would, "moneys tight right now".  Loves it!

Okay, so he is perched on his tummy with his faithful monkey by his side.  He is in the middle of a creeping session, and quite possibly a pooping session.  

So, Sam is 6 months old, and possibly the cutest baby on this planet.....I am totally allowed to say that since he is my son.  I don't really know that my life is so interesting, but it sure is different than it used to be. 

I had several "life changes" all at once:  had a baby, moved across the country, and changed careers.  I had Sam May 28th, and we moved to Boston August 18th.  Did I mention that we moved from a super progressive town to a sleepy little community...did I also mention that I moved from tons of great friends to not a single one......did I also mention that I used to have appointments everyday in my job, and now I rarely get out the calendar.  I do however know the date because you are required to write that on the breast milk storage bag for safe keeping.  

He is about to Awaken....

So, my sister-in-law, Ellen told me start a blog while we were stuffing our faces at Thanksgiving dinner.  Soooo, here goes.....I just uploaded a picture of my sweet 6 month old bundle of gas, and now I am trying to write something clever, but that little bundle of gas just woke up in his carseat and he is pissed.  Let me attend to him, and I will continue the start to my fabulous new obsession.  See you soon blog readers!