So, childbirth is definitely hard and gross and painful, and weird, and all that, but nothing is as bad as the aftermath. This is the first night in the hospital with your new little bundle of joy. At least we knew more of what to expect this time since we had one delivery under our belts, but you really don't remember just how shitty it all is.
Things were peachy and great right after of course. My Dad and brother brought me a Schlotszky's sandwich that I wolfed down while watching Ed give Zady the best first bath ever. He flipped her over and washed her hair in a tiny bowl of water with such precision and care.....it was like an artist making a masterpiece. After I ate, Zady ate, and things were good and dandy.....epidural was still rock solid at this point. By the way, during labor, since I had two epidurals, my left side was like a dead person. At one point, I grabbed my leg to push, and appologized to my mom. I thought I was grabbing her arm, but no, it was my own flesh...my own super numbed up, and no bodily controlled flesh......so weird.
Since I was the only one who had a baby that day on the entire floor, we got first class treatment to our recovery room. I was wheeled in the bed with my sweet baby like I was Cleopatra. We waved, we blew kisses, there was a trail of rose petals behind us; they played the baby sound that goes through the entire hospital when a baby is born....it was bliss.
We got to our room; my husband organized all of our crap, I fed the bird, and we turned on the Bachelor. I knew that I needed to pee soon. I remembered that from last time. I remembered the lady telling me that I had to pee or else get a cathader, so I made myself go! This time I wasn't even about to be threatened with that. Things were still going fairly well. My epidural was wearing off, and I finally thought I could get up and go to the bathroom, so we called the nurse since I was under strict instructions to not, and she repeated NOT get up without her. She came in. and helped me to the bathroom. I was walking, barely, with a slight uncontrollabe bounce in my knees. I probably wasnt quite ready to walk, but we had already made it halfway. This is when the "unfortunates" start. Here you are, in that nasty hospital gown about to sit on a toilet fitted with a bucket to catch your pee. I sat down and heard a someone peeing.....oh, it was me. I asked the nurse, "am I peeing", and she looked at me like, you poor stupid thing of course you are peeing....who do you think that is? I'm sure that's what she wanted to say, but she just smiled and nodded.
You have to pee in the bucket for the first 3 times so they can regulate your fluids. This is always a surprise to your husband who goes into the bathroom, and almost pees in the bucket before deciding to just use the one down the hall......heaven forbid you touch that thing, or anything else in there for that matter because the bathroom is outfitted with the "pee bucket", and a little cart full of maxi pads, mesh undies, epifoam, tucks pads, antiseptic crotch spray, and frozen infant diapers that act as crotch ice packs. All very sexy things, and very fun for guys to see. I'm sure I looked so fab in the mesh panties while scooting to the bathroom with my hospital gown open in the back.
If you're modest, don't have a baby because in the hospital you will have strangers, looking at your butt, touching your boobs and helping you shove them in your newborn's sweet little mouth. I met one of my nurses while I was sitting on the toilet taking a sitzbath. I was a vision I'm sure with my hospital gown hoisted up around my shoulders as I sat there with my chin resting in my hand held up by my elbow on the handicap "oh shit" bar. Those poor nurses see you at your worst, and I mean WORST!
After the first sleepless night, you have a visit from the pediatrician on call, and I just knew that it would most likely be one of the hot guy pediatricians that I used to call on when I was a pharmaceutical rep. I knew that there was really no way that I was going to be visited by one of the weird agoraphobic trolls that I called on, and boy was I right! Thank goodness I got myself up and was able to brush my teeth and at least wash my face and put on some lipgloss before we were visited. I had just got back into bed when we heard a knock on the door, and in walked Dr. Hotass Booker. I knew it!!!!!
He took one look at me, and said, "hey, I know you!". I smiled and said hello. He check out Zady and had only wonderful things to say about her. This was great about Zady, but even more stressful for me because I had to make sure that I wasn't nursing the bird next time he walked in to check her.....I would die!!!
Yes, you have nurses looking at your hooha, and then the doctor comes in to see the aftermath at one point...it's just all so gross! And it's not easy looking cute for your big walk to the car with your new baby girl. It's not easy to walk like you don't have a giant maxipad on, and maybe one of those giant ice packs too! Here's my one pearl of wisdom for the hospital exit....take everything you can get your hands on! Take the diapers, the cloths, a baby blanket, those fabu mesh undies, pads, foam.....take it all, and ask for more for the road if you can. You will thank yourself when you get home!
