So, are you a tag tucker? What kind of person are you? Here's the scenario.....you are in close proximity with a perfect stranger, and you notice that her tag is sticking out of the back of her shirt. Do you tuck it in for her while telling her it was out? Do you look at your friend and say, "oh that poor lady's tag is out". Do you even notice?
Well, I notice, and I am a tag tucker. I know that I would be very appreciative if someone helped me out in that situation. My mom and I even told a lady that she had a lady problem on her pants once at Neiman Marcus. How horrifying, but we could not go on with our day without making her aware. It is hard to do for sure. It's uncomfortable, but usually the people are thankful for the news no matter how embarrassing. I find that usually women have a certain bond that makes it okay to look out for other woman. Well, that's what I think anyway....I'm sure that there are bitches out there that relish in other people's mishaps, but I try and distance myself from those people.
So here's what made me think of this. I was at Lululemon the other day, and as I walked in, I noticed one of the workers. She had on the tight bootcut workout pants, and she had the world's worst panty line! It was absolutely terrible! It was the worst panty line I have ever seen. It made her ass look long and just plain gross! She was a skinny girl, but it looked like she had on cheerleading bloomers that were about 2 sized too small. It did not look good or comfy, and it almost made me second guess trying on the same pants. For those of you who aren't familiar with lululemon, I'm sorry. Every girl should know about these workout pants. They are like magic for your ass......for your thong clad ass I guess. They are a little bit like super girl pants because when I put them on I immediately looked way skinnier, and my ass looked like it did in college. The pants were $98, but of course I bought them! They are reversible, so it's like getting two pairs in one, and well......they just looked so good. I tried them on immediately when I got home to make sure that they didn't have trick mirrors in the dressing room, and was pleasantly surprised!
It was like trying on my first pair of Seven for All Mankind jeans. It was magical! So, back to my point. If my pregnant butt looked so young, then it just goes to show that that young girl had no business wearing full on granny panties under her tight workout pants! It should be against the law, and why didn't her manager, or coworkers tell her? I wanted desperately to tell her that she should really wear a thong with her pants, but I was sure it would be offensive coming from a pregnant stranger, or would it? Should I have told her in the most secretive and helpful way that I could conjure up, or should I just leave it to her so called friends?
I would want someone to tell me.....stranger or no stranger! Please tell me if I'm doing something that is making me look ridiculous! I hate that I didn't say anything, because now I think of her saggy looking granny panty booty every time I wear my new pants. All she had to do was take them off, but I guess she will never know.......I hate that for her.
What would you do?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Shake Your Pregnant Money Maker
Can I just tell you how absolutely ridiculous I looked in my Zumba class today at the gym. For those of you who aren't familiar with Zumba it's a cardio class of Latin dance. Yes, we do the Salsa, Marenge, and we shake our hips and asses. My instructor is so adorable, and she can shake her hips and ass like Shakira.....it's crazy! I haven't been to Zumba in a really long time because I've been out of town and just busy on Thursdays, so today was my first day back since my belly has popped.
Luckily I do look a little more pregnant than fat.....just a tad. I think my bellybutton is the dead giveaway since it looks like the little red button on a Butterball turkey that is definitely done. So class starts out as usual, and we are facing the mirrors as usual. I have on some blue karate pants with white stripes down the side, and a coral tank top that is thankfully long enough. Over that I have a white Nike zip up with white satin stripes down the sleeves. It says, "yeah, I'm athletic, but I like to be a little sassy too." By the way, the Nike zip up is not zipped up because it looks like a damn half top when it is, so it is casually open. We finish our warmup dance of sidestepping and ass popping when I decide that the jacket has got to go. I throw it to the front of the class and continue with my jump up twice and them squat while rolling your hips and ass. A move that normally looks somewhat good and hip hopish, but now......with my big pregnant belly......it was a laughable joke! I looked like Amy Poehler in Baby Mama. It was horrible!
We did so many belly dancing/hip hop moves today......I just laughed at myself the whole time! All I could think of was the line from Steal Magnolias that described the new Mayor's wife dancing at the wedding. Clairee said, "Looks like two pigs fightin under a blanket." And.....the bellybutton sweat that adorned the middle of my tank top was really the icing on the cake! Can you imagine a girl who is almost 4 months pregnant dressed in my outfit, legs spread in a squat with feet facing out, getting low and rolling her belly and ass around??? Can you??? It's horrendous!!! My poor baby is probably wondering what the hell is going on out here!
Then, after I get through the Shakira belly dancing routine, we are going to practice the Hip Hop Hustle 5 dance. Oh this was going to be good. I only new the first half of the dance since I had been gone so long. Well, low and behold, a video camera comes out, and we are going to film the dance for You Tube! WTF!!! Are you kidding me? I don't even hardly remember the first half, and I don't even know the second half. This was going to be awesome! The instructor went over the second half in about 4 minutes, so I sort of got it, but not good enough for You Tube! I can't even imagine what I look like on camera doing the damn Hip Hop Hustle 5!!! My hair was a hot mess, and my belly.....well......I can't even explain it to you. I might attach it to this if it is absolutely hilarious! We shall see. Oy Vey and a half!
Luckily I do look a little more pregnant than fat.....just a tad. I think my bellybutton is the dead giveaway since it looks like the little red button on a Butterball turkey that is definitely done. So class starts out as usual, and we are facing the mirrors as usual. I have on some blue karate pants with white stripes down the side, and a coral tank top that is thankfully long enough. Over that I have a white Nike zip up with white satin stripes down the sleeves. It says, "yeah, I'm athletic, but I like to be a little sassy too." By the way, the Nike zip up is not zipped up because it looks like a damn half top when it is, so it is casually open. We finish our warmup dance of sidestepping and ass popping when I decide that the jacket has got to go. I throw it to the front of the class and continue with my jump up twice and them squat while rolling your hips and ass. A move that normally looks somewhat good and hip hopish, but now......with my big pregnant belly......it was a laughable joke! I looked like Amy Poehler in Baby Mama. It was horrible!
We did so many belly dancing/hip hop moves today......I just laughed at myself the whole time! All I could think of was the line from Steal Magnolias that described the new Mayor's wife dancing at the wedding. Clairee said, "Looks like two pigs fightin under a blanket." And.....the bellybutton sweat that adorned the middle of my tank top was really the icing on the cake! Can you imagine a girl who is almost 4 months pregnant dressed in my outfit, legs spread in a squat with feet facing out, getting low and rolling her belly and ass around??? Can you??? It's horrendous!!! My poor baby is probably wondering what the hell is going on out here!
Then, after I get through the Shakira belly dancing routine, we are going to practice the Hip Hop Hustle 5 dance. Oh this was going to be good. I only new the first half of the dance since I had been gone so long. Well, low and behold, a video camera comes out, and we are going to film the dance for You Tube! WTF!!! Are you kidding me? I don't even hardly remember the first half, and I don't even know the second half. This was going to be awesome! The instructor went over the second half in about 4 minutes, so I sort of got it, but not good enough for You Tube! I can't even imagine what I look like on camera doing the damn Hip Hop Hustle 5!!! My hair was a hot mess, and my belly.....well......I can't even explain it to you. I might attach it to this if it is absolutely hilarious! We shall see. Oy Vey and a half!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Fatchelor
Soooo, you may be wondering what "The Fatchelor" is, so I will give you a hint. If you watch TV, and if you are somewhat in to reality shows, just think of a plus size version of a pretty popular one. Yes, I am talking about the stupid new show on ABC called More to Love. Are you kidding me!!!
Okay, so I totally can't take credit for the name(The Fatchelor), but you have to admit that it is pretty funny, and pretty dead on. My loving and always clever husband said it nonchalantly as he passed the TV set one night during the commercial for it. And, by the way, if you think the name is mean...it's not....it's what the damn show is......The Fat Bachelor. The whole point of even being remotely interested in that stupid mindless show (the real Bachelor) is because the guy's is supposed to "have it all": great personality, great sense of humor, great ass, and a killer job. This new guy might have that, but he also might have a "dickydo". I just feel bad for the whole show.....it's like the "B" team, the afterthought, the "oh let's give those people a chance" show. Have more respect for yourself!!!! Just say no to the "but she's got a great personality" show! I hate that they are doing this. It's not because the people are overweight, but it's how they are marketing it.
TV voice man says, "The average woman in America is size 14, and the average reality show TV contestant is a size 2......". Who cares! Don't they know the camera adds 10 pds.....it's totally true! I look like Orka on TV, and I'm a size 2-4, so those contestants look like a size 10, and what are the plus size ladies going to look like? Oy Vey! I watch Jillian, and I think she is absolutely adorable, but I know that in real life she probably looks emaciated and disgusting like someone in jungle prison.
And let's be honest, guys watch the original show to see hot ass chicks who are usually idiots bounce there jugs around the swimming pool, and girls watch the show to see some great hairless abs, and to find out if guys like that really aren't douchebags! It's great when it works out, but it hardly ever does, and it's just fun to watch. By the way, Jake, the Airline Pilot makes me vomit in my mouth a little every time I see him......bla!!
No one wants to see a fat sweaty dude in the fantasy suit with a large lady, I mean, maybe I should just say that I don't because I die for the hot people as it is. I get so embarrassed for them! I think the show is ridiculous! I think if skinny people want to go on TV and make asses of themselves in front of millions, go for it, but don't do it if you're overweight. It just opens up the door for the really mean and hateful people to make fun of you!! Is that what you want Fatchelor contestants? Have more respect for yourself, and find love the old fashion way.....on the Internet where you can post a picture of yourself 2- pounds ago!
What are your thoughts on this show? Do I sound like a total Bitch for thinking it is a waste of time and money? You can be honest.....I just was.
Okay, so I totally can't take credit for the name(The Fatchelor), but you have to admit that it is pretty funny, and pretty dead on. My loving and always clever husband said it nonchalantly as he passed the TV set one night during the commercial for it. And, by the way, if you think the name is mean...it's not....it's what the damn show is......The Fat Bachelor. The whole point of even being remotely interested in that stupid mindless show (the real Bachelor) is because the guy's is supposed to "have it all": great personality, great sense of humor, great ass, and a killer job. This new guy might have that, but he also might have a "dickydo". I just feel bad for the whole show.....it's like the "B" team, the afterthought, the "oh let's give those people a chance" show. Have more respect for yourself!!!! Just say no to the "but she's got a great personality" show! I hate that they are doing this. It's not because the people are overweight, but it's how they are marketing it.
TV voice man says, "The average woman in America is size 14, and the average reality show TV contestant is a size 2......". Who cares! Don't they know the camera adds 10 pds.....it's totally true! I look like Orka on TV, and I'm a size 2-4, so those contestants look like a size 10, and what are the plus size ladies going to look like? Oy Vey! I watch Jillian, and I think she is absolutely adorable, but I know that in real life she probably looks emaciated and disgusting like someone in jungle prison.
And let's be honest, guys watch the original show to see hot ass chicks who are usually idiots bounce there jugs around the swimming pool, and girls watch the show to see some great hairless abs, and to find out if guys like that really aren't douchebags! It's great when it works out, but it hardly ever does, and it's just fun to watch. By the way, Jake, the Airline Pilot makes me vomit in my mouth a little every time I see him......bla!!
No one wants to see a fat sweaty dude in the fantasy suit with a large lady, I mean, maybe I should just say that I don't because I die for the hot people as it is. I get so embarrassed for them! I think the show is ridiculous! I think if skinny people want to go on TV and make asses of themselves in front of millions, go for it, but don't do it if you're overweight. It just opens up the door for the really mean and hateful people to make fun of you!! Is that what you want Fatchelor contestants? Have more respect for yourself, and find love the old fashion way.....on the Internet where you can post a picture of yourself 2- pounds ago!
What are your thoughts on this show? Do I sound like a total Bitch for thinking it is a waste of time and money? You can be honest.....I just was.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Break Out the Maternity Fashions
Yup, that's right blog readers, this Fashionista is totally knocked up! Most of you probably already know, and I've known since May. The thought of going through all of that craziness again has definitely had some time to sink in, and I am totally okay and excited with the idea now. Wait......let me pause for a moment as I grab my glasses.......yes, "eyesight shittiness" is one of the fabulous fun happenings of preggoville. Yes, I'm really into using correct medical terminology..."it's medical" you see.
So, here's how it happened......oh wait, that's too personal. Okay, here's how I found out. My mom was visiting from Texas, and we were antiqueing on our free day (the one day a week Pig goes to daycare). There was an incident in the car that involved an idiot driver, and some choice words from the fashionista. My mom gave me that, "could you be any bitchier and touchy" look. I looked at her and apologized for my short temper and then went on to explain how I was suffering from IBS, irritable bitchy syndrome. I had only had two periods since I had Pigpen. I never had any when i was nursing, so it was like I was in eighth grade all over again. I couldn't remember when I was supposed to start, and I couldn't believe how bitchy I got when I was about to start. I was all of a sudden a snooty little eye roller who would definitely mock you in silence when you turned your back after saying something that I didn't agree with. Oh yeah, I could just see myself turning into a hateful snooty snoot. So, my mom and I joked about my extreme case of IBS, and tried to make the best of it. Every time I would get frustrated with something I would say, "oh my God......here it comes.....IBS!!!" We would both laugh, and then she would politely let me get it all out of my system like a person with turrets.
We were going to take my neighbor out for dinner that night, and I was sooo excited about going to a nice restaurant where I could wear my new fabulous dress, some Christian Louboutins, carry a sassy little Chanel clutch, and drink a dirty Grey Goose martini with extra olives please. So excited about all of this until I consulted the fabulous Louis Vuitton planner that my parents gave me for Christmas. I was just curious to see when the IBS was going to stop, and I couldn't believe it! It should have already stopped.....it should have stopped about 2 weeks before that very day! Shit! Was I preggo? I had to know because I was really really really looking forward to drinking that cold Grey Goose Martini with extra olives please. Crap! We had about an hour until we were to leave, so I remembered that I had a pregnancy test left over from Pigpen, so a pregnancy test that was over a year old. I grabbed it, I sprinkled it, and I waited with baited breath. We all did. After 5 minutes the minus line was super dark, and the plus line was barely there. Not a super clear result, but enough for me to know that I wasn't going to have the damn drink that my mouth watered for. We decided to not tell my neighbor and be coy with our drink orders. I did order a glass of Champagne, and I made it last all night. I mean, the French drink a glass of Champagne everyday when they are pregnant, and they have beautiful svelte children that are really fashion forward, so I figured it wouldn't hurt.
The next morning I rushed out to the Grocery store for some staples and a preggo test. It's so ridiculous that I still feel like I'm buying something that I shouldn't be. It's like your first time to buy tampons or condoms. I mean come on, I'm married, I already have a baby, so why in the world would I feel the least bit scandalous buying a stupid pregnancy test? I don't know....I just know that I did. I got home ripped it open, and took both. Positive and positive! What!? I was supposed to go to Mexico with my husband and no baby in a few months. I was supposed to look badass in my bikini! I was planning on not wearing pants the whole time.....just bikini bottoms everywhere, well, except for when I sat down to eat, yuck! My abs were back, and i was going to drink anything with an umbrella and at least 4 Mexican beers a day! I was going to enjoy careless dinners ordering sushi and champagne without having to order a highchair and a paper napkin to clean up the mess under the highchair. How was I supposed to do any of that when I was preggo? I know it might sound selfish, but mommies need some decompression time too. I have given all of my time to this little guy, and I was supposed to be able to take a vacation and do whatever I wanted without having to worry about ANYTHING!
Then, when I got over the whole Mexico thing, I started to think about all of the fabulous things that happen to you when you're pregnant. The frequent urination, the bacne, the total halt on all delicious food and drink, and I don't even want to think about how my body morfed into an African Fertility statue.....oy veh! There were no stretchmarks, but there was carpel tunel, and numb fingertips for about 3 months. There was also the sleeplessness, the waking up in the middle of the night drenched and wondering if you peed the bed, or if you were just that hot...and if you were that hot, is that like getting in a hot tub or sauna while you're pregnant.....should you be concerned? Nah, just roll over and invade your husband's side. Oh what fun! Who doesn't love waking up 3 times in the night to pee? Who doesn't love that stage when you look like you have a beer gut instead of a baby? Who doesn't love that inevitable night out with the girls when you are obviously pregnant, and trying to shake your groove thing on the dance floor, and secretly cracking up at what you must look like! Oy veh I say, Oh freakin vey!
Well, I just got through the first trimester. No barfing, but definitely grody nausea at dinner time. Ramen noodle cravings, and almost tossing my cookies at the fish counter. It's all back! Oh yeah, and this time, I'm already showing. I went to Neiman's to spend my birthday money on a sassy little designer coverup for Mexico, and ended up just laughing at myself and doing the, "I look ridiculous in this" dance for my mom in the dressing room as Pigpen kept crawling on and off of the platform that the seamstress uses to hem your pants. I looked like a ate way too many tortillas....it was terrible! My bellybutton is already an "outy", and I won't even talk about the occasional gas......it's actually amazing how something could be soooo horrendous. It really could clear out an entire TJ Maxx. Thank God it's "occasional". I wouldn't know by the way....I've just heard.....you know from other pregnant ladies.
Oh the wonderment of Childbirth. Ha! I'll keep you all posted. :)
So, here's how it happened......oh wait, that's too personal. Okay, here's how I found out. My mom was visiting from Texas, and we were antiqueing on our free day (the one day a week Pig goes to daycare). There was an incident in the car that involved an idiot driver, and some choice words from the fashionista. My mom gave me that, "could you be any bitchier and touchy" look. I looked at her and apologized for my short temper and then went on to explain how I was suffering from IBS, irritable bitchy syndrome. I had only had two periods since I had Pigpen. I never had any when i was nursing, so it was like I was in eighth grade all over again. I couldn't remember when I was supposed to start, and I couldn't believe how bitchy I got when I was about to start. I was all of a sudden a snooty little eye roller who would definitely mock you in silence when you turned your back after saying something that I didn't agree with. Oh yeah, I could just see myself turning into a hateful snooty snoot. So, my mom and I joked about my extreme case of IBS, and tried to make the best of it. Every time I would get frustrated with something I would say, "oh my God......here it comes.....IBS!!!" We would both laugh, and then she would politely let me get it all out of my system like a person with turrets.
We were going to take my neighbor out for dinner that night, and I was sooo excited about going to a nice restaurant where I could wear my new fabulous dress, some Christian Louboutins, carry a sassy little Chanel clutch, and drink a dirty Grey Goose martini with extra olives please. So excited about all of this until I consulted the fabulous Louis Vuitton planner that my parents gave me for Christmas. I was just curious to see when the IBS was going to stop, and I couldn't believe it! It should have already stopped.....it should have stopped about 2 weeks before that very day! Shit! Was I preggo? I had to know because I was really really really looking forward to drinking that cold Grey Goose Martini with extra olives please. Crap! We had about an hour until we were to leave, so I remembered that I had a pregnancy test left over from Pigpen, so a pregnancy test that was over a year old. I grabbed it, I sprinkled it, and I waited with baited breath. We all did. After 5 minutes the minus line was super dark, and the plus line was barely there. Not a super clear result, but enough for me to know that I wasn't going to have the damn drink that my mouth watered for. We decided to not tell my neighbor and be coy with our drink orders. I did order a glass of Champagne, and I made it last all night. I mean, the French drink a glass of Champagne everyday when they are pregnant, and they have beautiful svelte children that are really fashion forward, so I figured it wouldn't hurt.
The next morning I rushed out to the Grocery store for some staples and a preggo test. It's so ridiculous that I still feel like I'm buying something that I shouldn't be. It's like your first time to buy tampons or condoms. I mean come on, I'm married, I already have a baby, so why in the world would I feel the least bit scandalous buying a stupid pregnancy test? I don't know....I just know that I did. I got home ripped it open, and took both. Positive and positive! What!? I was supposed to go to Mexico with my husband and no baby in a few months. I was supposed to look badass in my bikini! I was planning on not wearing pants the whole time.....just bikini bottoms everywhere, well, except for when I sat down to eat, yuck! My abs were back, and i was going to drink anything with an umbrella and at least 4 Mexican beers a day! I was going to enjoy careless dinners ordering sushi and champagne without having to order a highchair and a paper napkin to clean up the mess under the highchair. How was I supposed to do any of that when I was preggo? I know it might sound selfish, but mommies need some decompression time too. I have given all of my time to this little guy, and I was supposed to be able to take a vacation and do whatever I wanted without having to worry about ANYTHING!
Then, when I got over the whole Mexico thing, I started to think about all of the fabulous things that happen to you when you're pregnant. The frequent urination, the bacne, the total halt on all delicious food and drink, and I don't even want to think about how my body morfed into an African Fertility statue.....oy veh! There were no stretchmarks, but there was carpel tunel, and numb fingertips for about 3 months. There was also the sleeplessness, the waking up in the middle of the night drenched and wondering if you peed the bed, or if you were just that hot...and if you were that hot, is that like getting in a hot tub or sauna while you're pregnant.....should you be concerned? Nah, just roll over and invade your husband's side. Oh what fun! Who doesn't love waking up 3 times in the night to pee? Who doesn't love that stage when you look like you have a beer gut instead of a baby? Who doesn't love that inevitable night out with the girls when you are obviously pregnant, and trying to shake your groove thing on the dance floor, and secretly cracking up at what you must look like! Oy veh I say, Oh freakin vey!
Well, I just got through the first trimester. No barfing, but definitely grody nausea at dinner time. Ramen noodle cravings, and almost tossing my cookies at the fish counter. It's all back! Oh yeah, and this time, I'm already showing. I went to Neiman's to spend my birthday money on a sassy little designer coverup for Mexico, and ended up just laughing at myself and doing the, "I look ridiculous in this" dance for my mom in the dressing room as Pigpen kept crawling on and off of the platform that the seamstress uses to hem your pants. I looked like a ate way too many tortillas....it was terrible! My bellybutton is already an "outy", and I won't even talk about the occasional gas......it's actually amazing how something could be soooo horrendous. It really could clear out an entire TJ Maxx. Thank God it's "occasional". I wouldn't know by the way....I've just heard.....you know from other pregnant ladies.
Oh the wonderment of Childbirth. Ha! I'll keep you all posted. :)
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Shitty Floor
Never in my life did I think that I would be cleaning up human feces from my bedroom floor, but I can now cross that one off of the list of, "things I never thought would have to do." This list is getting quite full these days. I have now crossed off the following: Live in a house with a window unit, Live in a log cabin with no bathtub or Starbucks in sight, Wear sweatpants 45% of the week, Go without washing my hair for 5 days like a wilderness contestant. And, low and behold, I have now crossed off, "clean up human feces from the bedroom floor" off of my list.
Pigpen did have some really raunchy runs yesterday. All day long he would walk by and just reek of sewage! Poor little thing was just Hershey squirting in his pants all day long. Luckily we escaped this smelly business when we were at the Library for Story Time. Especially since he walked around like a sweet little social butterfly to all the moms and kids as I sat in my spot mentally kicking my own ass for wearing a short summer dress and my Hunter wellies to damn story time where you sit, stand, sit, stand, chase your child, act like a walrus. By far, not the best costume for the day. I will say that it was cute though. I was inspired by a parenting magazine I got last year. The girl on the front was wearing a short flowey cotton summer dress with a cute trench, long socks, and some fabulous wellies, so I decided to recreate my own version. Cute Navy blue cotton dress with ruffled cap sleeves, long green socks that had hot pink strawberries on them, and then my dark purple Hunter wellies; all topped off with a empire waisted summer trench. Soooo cute, until you have to sit on the floor with your child at story time. Dammit! I'm sure the other mother's have there own opinions of me. At least my kid is cute and sweet and he smiles at everyone. At one point, all the kids were in their mother's laps, but Pigpen was in the middle of the circle swaying back and forth to the band in his head and smiling like a sweet little baby angel. I was sitting off to the side with a proud smile and no child in my lap, just my trench.
After story time, we headed to a nice restaurant for a hamburger and fries. He was surprisingly good there too. I am thankful that he waited until we got home to blow ass. That night we went to our neighbors for dinner since my husband is in Germany yet again. Okay, here's the part wear I tell you if you are a killer or murderer reading my blog. Don't get any ideas! I lock the doors, booby trap the house, set the alarm, and sleep with bear mace and a double barrel shotgun within reach, so don't even think about bothering us. I am the daughter of an ex DPS officer from Texas who was a member of the National Pistol Team, and yes, when I was 6 all I wanted for my birthday was a Red Rider BB Gun, so the message here is, Don't fuck with this fashionista. Okay, now that we have that out of the way......oh wait, I forgot to mention that my neighbors love me and the man never sleeps. He once shot a man's dog for messing with their chickens, so don't think they won't open a bottle of New England Country Time WHOOP ASS on you if you try and infiltrate our sweet little cove. Whew! That was for you mom.
So we ate dinner at the neighbors, and took them up on their, "you can bathe the baby over here," offer. I went back to the house to change Pigpen's runny pants, and get all of his bath stuff together. He had just pooped and peed, so I decided to just put him in his little Frette robe with no diaper. I mean, what are the chances of him pooping again? Well, they were better than I thought! I was changing out of my cute little dress and into sweatpants as I looked over at the Pig. He was having a great time in his sweet little robe. He was rearranging all of my Uggs. While he was playing with some of my favorite footwear, I noticed something on the back of his leg. I looked closer and was absolutely horrified!!!!! It was shit! And then, before I could get to him, I saw a big pile of it fall out from under the Frette robe onto the floor!!! It was now on his leg and on the floor in a little steaming pile....just like a cow! I screamed and then looked at my UGGS. They looked safe, so I scooped him up and carried him carefully over to the changing table. The robe came out unscathed, but my arm did not fare so well, and the changing pad was doomed for sure. There was shit everywhere!!!
I cleaned him up and then put him in his crib so I could go into the room and tend to the steaming pile of doo. I grabbed some toilet paper and flushed the nastiness, and then disinfected the area with some Lysol. I feel like it still smells like crap! Thank God my Uggs survived. I think I would die if I had to clean shit off of my light sand colored favorite cozy boots. Who gets to clean crap off of the bedroom floor? Oh wait! I do.
Pigpen did have some really raunchy runs yesterday. All day long he would walk by and just reek of sewage! Poor little thing was just Hershey squirting in his pants all day long. Luckily we escaped this smelly business when we were at the Library for Story Time. Especially since he walked around like a sweet little social butterfly to all the moms and kids as I sat in my spot mentally kicking my own ass for wearing a short summer dress and my Hunter wellies to damn story time where you sit, stand, sit, stand, chase your child, act like a walrus. By far, not the best costume for the day. I will say that it was cute though. I was inspired by a parenting magazine I got last year. The girl on the front was wearing a short flowey cotton summer dress with a cute trench, long socks, and some fabulous wellies, so I decided to recreate my own version. Cute Navy blue cotton dress with ruffled cap sleeves, long green socks that had hot pink strawberries on them, and then my dark purple Hunter wellies; all topped off with a empire waisted summer trench. Soooo cute, until you have to sit on the floor with your child at story time. Dammit! I'm sure the other mother's have there own opinions of me. At least my kid is cute and sweet and he smiles at everyone. At one point, all the kids were in their mother's laps, but Pigpen was in the middle of the circle swaying back and forth to the band in his head and smiling like a sweet little baby angel. I was sitting off to the side with a proud smile and no child in my lap, just my trench.
After story time, we headed to a nice restaurant for a hamburger and fries. He was surprisingly good there too. I am thankful that he waited until we got home to blow ass. That night we went to our neighbors for dinner since my husband is in Germany yet again. Okay, here's the part wear I tell you if you are a killer or murderer reading my blog. Don't get any ideas! I lock the doors, booby trap the house, set the alarm, and sleep with bear mace and a double barrel shotgun within reach, so don't even think about bothering us. I am the daughter of an ex DPS officer from Texas who was a member of the National Pistol Team, and yes, when I was 6 all I wanted for my birthday was a Red Rider BB Gun, so the message here is, Don't fuck with this fashionista. Okay, now that we have that out of the way......oh wait, I forgot to mention that my neighbors love me and the man never sleeps. He once shot a man's dog for messing with their chickens, so don't think they won't open a bottle of New England Country Time WHOOP ASS on you if you try and infiltrate our sweet little cove. Whew! That was for you mom.
So we ate dinner at the neighbors, and took them up on their, "you can bathe the baby over here," offer. I went back to the house to change Pigpen's runny pants, and get all of his bath stuff together. He had just pooped and peed, so I decided to just put him in his little Frette robe with no diaper. I mean, what are the chances of him pooping again? Well, they were better than I thought! I was changing out of my cute little dress and into sweatpants as I looked over at the Pig. He was having a great time in his sweet little robe. He was rearranging all of my Uggs. While he was playing with some of my favorite footwear, I noticed something on the back of his leg. I looked closer and was absolutely horrified!!!!! It was shit! And then, before I could get to him, I saw a big pile of it fall out from under the Frette robe onto the floor!!! It was now on his leg and on the floor in a little steaming pile....just like a cow! I screamed and then looked at my UGGS. They looked safe, so I scooped him up and carried him carefully over to the changing table. The robe came out unscathed, but my arm did not fare so well, and the changing pad was doomed for sure. There was shit everywhere!!!
I cleaned him up and then put him in his crib so I could go into the room and tend to the steaming pile of doo. I grabbed some toilet paper and flushed the nastiness, and then disinfected the area with some Lysol. I feel like it still smells like crap! Thank God my Uggs survived. I think I would die if I had to clean shit off of my light sand colored favorite cozy boots. Who gets to clean crap off of the bedroom floor? Oh wait! I do.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Heart Attack
So, I am back home in the cozy cabin, and my baby angel was driven down by his fabulous Grandparents! The reunion was better than expected. I expected a sweet smile, but I thought he would immediately be interested in something else on the ground after about 3 seconds in my arms. Delightfully surprised, I was impressed with his big smile and sweet hug. He was interested in me for almost a whole minute! He got longer, and he walks so much faster, and his little baby vocabulary of weird sounds has expanded into even more weird sounds.
My mother-in-law is here with her husband, and we have been having a really wonderful time just enjoying the backyard and the sweet little boy. He is now 13 months old, and quite the little explorer! About an hour ago I put him up in his crib for a nap since he was zoning out at lunch. I have a video monitor, so we were sitting at the table having a latte and enjoying some adult conversation as we checked the monitor every so often. He was ooching around, standing up, and doing the usual before he sacks out, so it was just a normal day of naptime woes. So we were talking about something very important I'm sure as I felt a compeling need to check on the Pig. I grabbed the monitor that was just about out of battery, turned it on, and gasped! I ran out of the room and up the stairs without a word as fast as I could. I was like Jackie Joner Cursy as I hurdled the baby gate and shot up the stairs skipping about six stairs at a time.
His grandmother grabbed the monitor to view the horror, but was unable to see anything since the battery was completely dead at that point. When I got to the top of the stairs the horrible seen was still as I had seen it! That little Assafartus was sitting on his changing table!!!!! His changing table sits right next to his crib, so he had figured out a way to crawl out of his crib and sit on his changing table that has no rails and no protection against the hardwood floor. I wanted to die!!!
I was shocked, but very impressed at the same time! I didn't know if I should give him a swat, or applaud his new skill. I told him he was a very bad boy, and that this was not allowed at all!!! I don't know if it made an impression. He wenced a little after the scolding, but then just smiled and laid there as I changed his diaper with a big dissapointed look on my face. The Grandparents were upstairs at this point and very happy to see that he had not strangled himself with the cookoo clock strings that hang on the wall fairly close to the crib. He was unscathed by the incident and continued his usual routine of trying to pull his little weiner off of his body as I changed his pants.
I have not been able to get in touch with his father for a report, but I imagine his father will be way more impressed than mad. I guess we will have to do some redecorated tonight when daddy gets home.
My mother-in-law is here with her husband, and we have been having a really wonderful time just enjoying the backyard and the sweet little boy. He is now 13 months old, and quite the little explorer! About an hour ago I put him up in his crib for a nap since he was zoning out at lunch. I have a video monitor, so we were sitting at the table having a latte and enjoying some adult conversation as we checked the monitor every so often. He was ooching around, standing up, and doing the usual before he sacks out, so it was just a normal day of naptime woes. So we were talking about something very important I'm sure as I felt a compeling need to check on the Pig. I grabbed the monitor that was just about out of battery, turned it on, and gasped! I ran out of the room and up the stairs without a word as fast as I could. I was like Jackie Joner Cursy as I hurdled the baby gate and shot up the stairs skipping about six stairs at a time.
His grandmother grabbed the monitor to view the horror, but was unable to see anything since the battery was completely dead at that point. When I got to the top of the stairs the horrible seen was still as I had seen it! That little Assafartus was sitting on his changing table!!!!! His changing table sits right next to his crib, so he had figured out a way to crawl out of his crib and sit on his changing table that has no rails and no protection against the hardwood floor. I wanted to die!!!
I was shocked, but very impressed at the same time! I didn't know if I should give him a swat, or applaud his new skill. I told him he was a very bad boy, and that this was not allowed at all!!! I don't know if it made an impression. He wenced a little after the scolding, but then just smiled and laid there as I changed his diaper with a big dissapointed look on my face. The Grandparents were upstairs at this point and very happy to see that he had not strangled himself with the cookoo clock strings that hang on the wall fairly close to the crib. He was unscathed by the incident and continued his usual routine of trying to pull his little weiner off of his body as I changed his pants.
I have not been able to get in touch with his father for a report, but I imagine his father will be way more impressed than mad. I guess we will have to do some redecorated tonight when daddy gets home.
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