Yeah, that's what I feel like lately....not a Fahionista, but a Fashionyousta. That is a person that used to be a Fashionista....a high heel wearing clutch carrying, long necklace sporting fashionista. I was reminded of this as I scanned Rachel Zoe's picks on Piperlime.com. All the boots are so high....they go over the knee and up the thigh. I actually had a pair of black suede thigh high boots when I was a freshman in High School. I wore them in London with a blazer and leggings, and then I busted them out a few years later for a Sadie Hawkins dance with my boyfriend my Junior Year. I think the teachers at his school thought I worked at Legs....the local titty bar. But, I said it back then, and I'll say it now; they can take their math number embroidered sweater cardigans and shove them up their ass. Yeah, I said it!
Of course I feel less fashionable since I am obviously pregnant, and my ass is growing faster than that little bean we all planted in a Styrofoam cup in grade school, but I know it's all worth it, and with yesterday's fabulous news, I also know that I don't ever have to gain this much weight again! You may think yeah right, it's too hard to stay skinny, but you haven't seen my closet and my fabulous jean collection. I only got to wear the Dolce pencil skirt twice! I have to get back into it! My best friend came to visit me from California, and I made her try it on with a cute little white button down with ruffles down the front when she was here. I just wanted to see what I would look like again some day. I always make her try on stuff at my house when I am knocked up! I bought the cutest Chloe jacket last time I was 8 months pregnant. It was going to be a jacket for the fall in Boston. It was a light chambray color and it had the most fabulous little white buttons all down the front. The jacket was long and had a skirt-like look that cinched in at he waist and flared out ever so deliciously. The jacket said, "I'm way to fabulous for a trench!" It was a size 4, and I wasn't sure that it was going to fit when I was back to normal. I made her try it on, and it looked too big, so I took it back. I miss it! I could be wearing it right now!
As I gazed at the thigh high leather boots on the Piperlime website, I was reminded of my lovely Tory Burch riding boots that I bought a few months ago. Those bastards better go over my calves come fall! Last time I was pregnant I was banished to buying only shoes and handbags. I refused to spend money on Maternity stuff! I bought all my official maternity gear at Target and Old Navy, so I supplemented that with Manolos and Miu Miu for my feet and shoulders. My dear friend Ginger came to visit me when I was about 7 months along, and we had to go shoe shopping. We love to try on the most fabulous, most outrageous, and most expensive shoes we can find. We strap them up and then walk over to one another and say, "what do you think, is it a must?", and then we die laughing (quietly of course) at the price.
I will never forget the hour we spent in the Neiman Marcus special markdown suite; she tried on the most gorgeous Gucci pumps. They were royal blue sequins all over! I tried on a pair of gray suede high heel Cole Haan boots. They were fab! They had tassels on the top....it was like something JLo would were with a white Fox fur. I paraded my pregnant ass around in them until I decided to get them, and then I sat down and realized that I couldn't get the damn things off! I tried with all my might, and this only made me break a small sweat. I looked at her and said, "you're gonna have to pull." She pulled, I pointed and flexed, she pulled, I thought skinny calf thoughts.....she pulled, and then we just had to laugh! I thought we were going to have to get the Jaws of Life to get the suede boots off! By then, I was laughing so hard I was crying, and I had visible sweat sprouting up on my upper lip! After we caught our breath, and I tried to separate my skin from the leather lining, we finally got the stupid things off. Of course I bought them anyway. I just thought I would wear them on really cold nights......you know......so my calves would be smaller.
It worked, I wore them to several parties, and I can wear them now, well a few months ago with no problem. I swear! I love fall fashions! I love them so much! I love getting the giant extra thick In Style and Vogue with Fall fashions exploding off of every page! It makes me think of the first day of school, and how I would plan out my outfits for the whole first week! The preppy look is always in when fall hits....it doen't matter what year! It makes me want to wear wide leg khaki pants and a Ralph Lauren Button up with a fabulous tweed blazer toped off with a pageboy hat and fingerless gloves! I loved it! I know my husband is super happy about my new Fashionyousta status.
I guess I have the rest of my life to sport some fabulous fall fashions. This is the last fall that I ever have to be knocked up. I will say that it does make it a lot easier knowing that my wardrobe sucks and my ass is getting wider for a sweet little baby girl. If she is anything like my son, I will be the luckiest woman on earth, and I will at least have a good handbag to sport with it.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Say What!!!
We had our "determine the sex" ultrasound today. I could not sleep a wink last night. I tossed and turned and tossed and turned. I was so anxious about today. It was also a balmy 80 degrees in our bedroom last night. I think my La Mer face cream was melting in the bathroom, and I told my husband that I felt like I was camping. We had all the windows open in our room, and all we could here was the damn wilderness. I was sweaty and sticky and forced to listen to the symphony of critters right outside all four windows. I was having flashbacks to Camp Champions. I told him that I hoped we could make it to the Ultrasound in time from our camp sight. He laughed and assured me that we could roll up the tent in a flash. I had weird dreams of some underground bomber that I was trying to find. Once we found him I realized the people helping me were the Reno 911 police department actors, and I knew that nothing good could come of the dream. I woke up after that at 4am, used the facilities and tossed and turned some more.
I was too excited to here the news, too excited to get to write this blog, too excited to keep the Leopard print Baby Uggs that I bought for her last week, too excited for a lot of things. Then, my excitement turned to "what if". What if it's not a girl, and I have to drive back to the outlet mall and return my sweet little Uggs with big crocodile tears in my pregnant eyes? What if we have two rambunctious little boys and I have a house full of little wieners that pee on the seat? What if I never have a "mini me"?
My husband already has his "mini me". Pigpen's first word was "car", and he loves trucks, wheels, cars, motorbikes, pretty much all things boy. I can see his little mind wondering how things work, and he can't even talk yet. He figured out where the soap was in the bubble mower and turned the damn thing over to see it run out of the side. He is so my husband's "mini me". I wanted one of my own so bad! I want someone who I can teach about fashion and shopping, and boys, and bargains, and everything fabulous!!
The Ultrasound lady was nice, but not too vocal. She measured every part of that baby's body. She measured the head, the legs, feet, arms, hand, brain, spine........I was like blah blah blah......how's about measuring the damn genitalia! I was sure that she would be able to see a wiener or a bajayjay if she could spot the kidneys. She kept me in suspense for what felt like half and hour, and then she looked at me and looked at my husband and said, "are you ready?" Hells yeah I'm ready! I was ready May 14th lady! Then, she pointed to the screen.....my heart stopped beating for a few seconds, and she said, "do you see those three little lines right there?" I was thinking yes yes, so our child has a mini blind growing out of it's ass......spit it out lady.....what is it? What does it mean?? Then she said it, "you are having a girl." I tried to hold em back, but I couldn't. My perfect line of noir liquid eyeliner was going to be missing on the corners of my eyes. I cried a little, and then a little more. I conveniently wiped my tears with the bottom of my long maxi dress that was hiked up to my boobs. After the lump in my throat went down, and I could actually get a word out I said, "are you positive?" She looked at me and smiled and said, "I don't tell people unless I'm sure, but nothing is 100%, however, I have never been wrong." The blinds definitely looked different from Pigpen's little light switch.
I was soooo excited!!!!! All I have to say is Holy Shitballs!!!!!! I'm having a girl!!!!!! I can not believe it! I thought this would never happen! Okay, well maybe I did since I have been convinced the whole time that it was a girl. She better not want to wear sneakers and gym shorts like my brother in law is threatening! My ass has grown significantly, and I have what appear to be love handles, but it is all worth it now. I will embrace my giant ass and love handles knowing that they are the product of a sweet little mini me. I love her so much already!
I already have her crib set picked out. It's the one I wanted to buy for Pig, but decided it was too girly. You can check it out at, http://www.modernessentials.com/viewitem.cfm/item_id/2011. Pigpen has the Transportation set by Dwell, so they will mesh fantastically. The poor kids have to share a room, so this is important.
I still can't believe I am having a girl. I have been extra cautious with my precious little cargo today. Girls are more sensitive and fragile, so I told my husband I would no longer eat sushi or jump on the trampoline. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world! If you are reading this please hope with all of your might that this little baby does not sprout a Johnson between now and January. I am going to thank my lucky stars tonight before bed for sure. Thank you God! You freakin Rock!
I was too excited to here the news, too excited to get to write this blog, too excited to keep the Leopard print Baby Uggs that I bought for her last week, too excited for a lot of things. Then, my excitement turned to "what if". What if it's not a girl, and I have to drive back to the outlet mall and return my sweet little Uggs with big crocodile tears in my pregnant eyes? What if we have two rambunctious little boys and I have a house full of little wieners that pee on the seat? What if I never have a "mini me"?
My husband already has his "mini me". Pigpen's first word was "car", and he loves trucks, wheels, cars, motorbikes, pretty much all things boy. I can see his little mind wondering how things work, and he can't even talk yet. He figured out where the soap was in the bubble mower and turned the damn thing over to see it run out of the side. He is so my husband's "mini me". I wanted one of my own so bad! I want someone who I can teach about fashion and shopping, and boys, and bargains, and everything fabulous!!
The Ultrasound lady was nice, but not too vocal. She measured every part of that baby's body. She measured the head, the legs, feet, arms, hand, brain, spine........I was like blah blah blah......how's about measuring the damn genitalia! I was sure that she would be able to see a wiener or a bajayjay if she could spot the kidneys. She kept me in suspense for what felt like half and hour, and then she looked at me and looked at my husband and said, "are you ready?" Hells yeah I'm ready! I was ready May 14th lady! Then, she pointed to the screen.....my heart stopped beating for a few seconds, and she said, "do you see those three little lines right there?" I was thinking yes yes, so our child has a mini blind growing out of it's ass......spit it out lady.....what is it? What does it mean?? Then she said it, "you are having a girl." I tried to hold em back, but I couldn't. My perfect line of noir liquid eyeliner was going to be missing on the corners of my eyes. I cried a little, and then a little more. I conveniently wiped my tears with the bottom of my long maxi dress that was hiked up to my boobs. After the lump in my throat went down, and I could actually get a word out I said, "are you positive?" She looked at me and smiled and said, "I don't tell people unless I'm sure, but nothing is 100%, however, I have never been wrong." The blinds definitely looked different from Pigpen's little light switch.
I was soooo excited!!!!! All I have to say is Holy Shitballs!!!!!! I'm having a girl!!!!!! I can not believe it! I thought this would never happen! Okay, well maybe I did since I have been convinced the whole time that it was a girl. She better not want to wear sneakers and gym shorts like my brother in law is threatening! My ass has grown significantly, and I have what appear to be love handles, but it is all worth it now. I will embrace my giant ass and love handles knowing that they are the product of a sweet little mini me. I love her so much already!
I already have her crib set picked out. It's the one I wanted to buy for Pig, but decided it was too girly. You can check it out at, http://www.modernessentials.com/viewitem.cfm/item_id/2011. Pigpen has the Transportation set by Dwell, so they will mesh fantastically. The poor kids have to share a room, so this is important.
I still can't believe I am having a girl. I have been extra cautious with my precious little cargo today. Girls are more sensitive and fragile, so I told my husband I would no longer eat sushi or jump on the trampoline. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world! If you are reading this please hope with all of your might that this little baby does not sprout a Johnson between now and January. I am going to thank my lucky stars tonight before bed for sure. Thank you God! You freakin Rock!
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Perfect Toy
Toys are a funny thing when you're a parent. You think you know your child, and you really do know them better than anyone, but it is so hard to hit the jackpot with toys. I can't tell you how many times I bought something thinking that he would just go nuts over it, and he could care less!
When he was just learning to crawl, I saw a little ball at TJ Maxx that lit up and played music when you moved it. He would go crazy for music and lights at that age, so I though he was going to be in playing heaven when I took it out of the bag. Wrong! 100% Wrong! He could have cared less. It was that month that he was completely captivated by the plastic tube my electronic milk frother came in. He pushed that around the floors for weeks. I eventually put it in the toy basket so he could find it and keep himself busy for hours. WTF? I'm sure that plastic tube had a warning on it that discouraged such behavior, but he loved that damn thing, and I wasn't about to take away something that was fun!
I have definitely hit it big with anything that involves trucks. He is such a boy's boy, and he loves anything with wheels. I do however want to cut my own ears off when I buy him something that makes noise. It seems like such a good idea in the store; like the fire engine I bought the other day that had a real siren sound amongst other work related noises. It was a great idea in the store as he carried it around happily in the basket like a baby angel. Then, we got in the car, and the button was pushed time after time after time until we got home. I was in a fire emergency nightmare! It was awful!
On the same trip to Target, I bought him the Splish Splash Pool. It looked like so much fun, and who could resist the verbiage on the the box. It talked about how much fun your child will have riding the dolphin and sliding down the whales back, and if your child needs a break from the sun, well, he/she can just hang out under the rainbow for a break. It was to be a garden of Eden in my own back yard. I was going to sit there sipping a Mocktail in my adirondack chair as he played fancily in his little resort. He always goes apeshit for fountains, especially ones that you can stick your hands in. The Splish Splash pool was this and more; the entire perimeter was a fountain that filled up the pool with about 4 inches of glorious water.
Well, we blew it up which took at least 45 minutes and the use of our neighbor's air compressor. We set it up and brought him down. His eyes lit up when he saw it. He pointed and squealed as we got closer. He couldn't wait to get down! Then.......he just stood there about 4 feet away and pointed at it. He would point, then look at us, then point, then look back at us. My neighbor got in the pool in an attempt to entice him in, but he just stayed put. I couldn't stand it any longer, so I grabbed him and sent him sliding gleefully down the whale's back. Once he hit the water he screamed and dog paddled through the air!
He had that look of flight or fright (or whatever it is) on his face. He was basically pawing at the air for his life and crying so bad! I grabbed him, and that is when I realized the water was like ice! No one told me that the water from the hose is a good 57 degrees when it comes out. It's like spraying snow on someone! It sucks! Poor little guy hated his Splish Splash pool. It could have been so much fun, but I wouldn't even put my feet in it. I decided that the damn Splish Splash pool was good for only one thing.....icing a sports injury.
Like I said, you think you know what your kids will love, and sometimes you do, but sometimes it just couldn't be more of a waste of money. At least Pigpen is big enough to point to and play with things in the store that he likes. Sometimes we'll push a truck around the isles of the store for about 10 minutes and then leave it there for next time.....sometimes we buy it, and sometimes I let him slobber on the $1.99 plastic ice cream scoop at Homegoods so he won't lick the handle of the shopping cart, and then we get to the register and I tell the girl, "we're not going to get that one."
What? You mean you've never done that.....
When he was just learning to crawl, I saw a little ball at TJ Maxx that lit up and played music when you moved it. He would go crazy for music and lights at that age, so I though he was going to be in playing heaven when I took it out of the bag. Wrong! 100% Wrong! He could have cared less. It was that month that he was completely captivated by the plastic tube my electronic milk frother came in. He pushed that around the floors for weeks. I eventually put it in the toy basket so he could find it and keep himself busy for hours. WTF? I'm sure that plastic tube had a warning on it that discouraged such behavior, but he loved that damn thing, and I wasn't about to take away something that was fun!
I have definitely hit it big with anything that involves trucks. He is such a boy's boy, and he loves anything with wheels. I do however want to cut my own ears off when I buy him something that makes noise. It seems like such a good idea in the store; like the fire engine I bought the other day that had a real siren sound amongst other work related noises. It was a great idea in the store as he carried it around happily in the basket like a baby angel. Then, we got in the car, and the button was pushed time after time after time until we got home. I was in a fire emergency nightmare! It was awful!
On the same trip to Target, I bought him the Splish Splash Pool. It looked like so much fun, and who could resist the verbiage on the the box. It talked about how much fun your child will have riding the dolphin and sliding down the whales back, and if your child needs a break from the sun, well, he/she can just hang out under the rainbow for a break. It was to be a garden of Eden in my own back yard. I was going to sit there sipping a Mocktail in my adirondack chair as he played fancily in his little resort. He always goes apeshit for fountains, especially ones that you can stick your hands in. The Splish Splash pool was this and more; the entire perimeter was a fountain that filled up the pool with about 4 inches of glorious water.
Well, we blew it up which took at least 45 minutes and the use of our neighbor's air compressor. We set it up and brought him down. His eyes lit up when he saw it. He pointed and squealed as we got closer. He couldn't wait to get down! Then.......he just stood there about 4 feet away and pointed at it. He would point, then look at us, then point, then look back at us. My neighbor got in the pool in an attempt to entice him in, but he just stayed put. I couldn't stand it any longer, so I grabbed him and sent him sliding gleefully down the whale's back. Once he hit the water he screamed and dog paddled through the air!
He had that look of flight or fright (or whatever it is) on his face. He was basically pawing at the air for his life and crying so bad! I grabbed him, and that is when I realized the water was like ice! No one told me that the water from the hose is a good 57 degrees when it comes out. It's like spraying snow on someone! It sucks! Poor little guy hated his Splish Splash pool. It could have been so much fun, but I wouldn't even put my feet in it. I decided that the damn Splish Splash pool was good for only one thing.....icing a sports injury.
Like I said, you think you know what your kids will love, and sometimes you do, but sometimes it just couldn't be more of a waste of money. At least Pigpen is big enough to point to and play with things in the store that he likes. Sometimes we'll push a truck around the isles of the store for about 10 minutes and then leave it there for next time.....sometimes we buy it, and sometimes I let him slobber on the $1.99 plastic ice cream scoop at Homegoods so he won't lick the handle of the shopping cart, and then we get to the register and I tell the girl, "we're not going to get that one."
What? You mean you've never done that.....
Friday, August 14, 2009
The Smears
You may think, what are "the smears"? Well, I'll tell you. The smears are what happens to you when you are about to walk out the door. The smears are given by small beings under 3 feet tall. They are most prevalent in the winter time, but they can pop up in the summer time as well. I was "smeared" today as I was headed out the door for the gym.
I took a shower this morning, which is unheard of, but I had a playdate directly after the gym, so I needed to look and smell a bit more presentable than I normally do. We were about to head out the door for our day, and boom.....smear. I was wearing a pair of black Lululemon workout pants, and a black tank top. My sweet little Pig is getting his molars right now, so he has had a grody nose for about 2 weeks. It comes and goes, and this morning it was coming baby! He had the biggest two snot rockets of life, and he was headed straight for me at warp speed. Before I could stop him, he had his head buried in my legs about 3 inches below my crotchels, and he had both arms around my legs as he moved his head back and forth in a, "I love you so much mommy, and I'm so glad my face is clean" kind of way. It was great! Sweet, but not so sweet when I looked down at my pants. I had two smashed in yellow smears on my clean black pants. I wiped them off with a wet cloth, and then picked him up. (A paper towel is not recommended for a smear on black....it only makes it worse.) As soon as I did this, he sneezed like his Papa Pat and proceeded to get more smears on my black tank! At this point, I was completely smeared! I wondered if I was a contestant on Double Dare, or if I was filming an episode of, You Can't Do That on Television, but then I came back to earth.
With no time to change my clothes, I attacked the new smears with the same wet cloth. It did the trick....sortof. It always looks like you got it when it is wet, but they usually dry with a bit of evidence still visible. Smears are like a small badge of courage that you get for being a parent. Smears can appear virtually anywhere on the body, but tend to be the most prevalent in the upper thigh region, and the shoulder region. Like I mentioned before, smears are usually more frequent in the winter months. You can go to story time at the library and see moms walking around with faint smears on their shoulders and pant legs. It's a way to display the fact that you have someone in your house about two feet tall who loves you, and loves to show you that with a leg squeeze and a face rub. My little Pig could probably make the Guinness Book of World Records with his quick shoulder smears. I'm getting better at attacking them. This happens when the child has a dirty nose and decides to smear it onto your shoulder before you can get the tissue anywhere close to their face. I have developed certain Karate like moves to block these, but it doesn't work all the time. Sometimes he is just too fast.
So here's to all those mom's out there right now walking around with a sweet smear somewhere on your body, and here's a double props to those of your who don't even know about the big one on the back of your pants. Good job moms! Here's to us!
I took a shower this morning, which is unheard of, but I had a playdate directly after the gym, so I needed to look and smell a bit more presentable than I normally do. We were about to head out the door for our day, and boom.....smear. I was wearing a pair of black Lululemon workout pants, and a black tank top. My sweet little Pig is getting his molars right now, so he has had a grody nose for about 2 weeks. It comes and goes, and this morning it was coming baby! He had the biggest two snot rockets of life, and he was headed straight for me at warp speed. Before I could stop him, he had his head buried in my legs about 3 inches below my crotchels, and he had both arms around my legs as he moved his head back and forth in a, "I love you so much mommy, and I'm so glad my face is clean" kind of way. It was great! Sweet, but not so sweet when I looked down at my pants. I had two smashed in yellow smears on my clean black pants. I wiped them off with a wet cloth, and then picked him up. (A paper towel is not recommended for a smear on black....it only makes it worse.) As soon as I did this, he sneezed like his Papa Pat and proceeded to get more smears on my black tank! At this point, I was completely smeared! I wondered if I was a contestant on Double Dare, or if I was filming an episode of, You Can't Do That on Television, but then I came back to earth.
With no time to change my clothes, I attacked the new smears with the same wet cloth. It did the trick....sortof. It always looks like you got it when it is wet, but they usually dry with a bit of evidence still visible. Smears are like a small badge of courage that you get for being a parent. Smears can appear virtually anywhere on the body, but tend to be the most prevalent in the upper thigh region, and the shoulder region. Like I mentioned before, smears are usually more frequent in the winter months. You can go to story time at the library and see moms walking around with faint smears on their shoulders and pant legs. It's a way to display the fact that you have someone in your house about two feet tall who loves you, and loves to show you that with a leg squeeze and a face rub. My little Pig could probably make the Guinness Book of World Records with his quick shoulder smears. I'm getting better at attacking them. This happens when the child has a dirty nose and decides to smear it onto your shoulder before you can get the tissue anywhere close to their face. I have developed certain Karate like moves to block these, but it doesn't work all the time. Sometimes he is just too fast.
So here's to all those mom's out there right now walking around with a sweet smear somewhere on your body, and here's a double props to those of your who don't even know about the big one on the back of your pants. Good job moms! Here's to us!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Kicked out of the Hyannis Yacht Club
My husband and I decided to go to the "Cape" this weekend. That's what all the New Englanders call Cape Cod. We had no idea where to go since the Cape is full of little towns with funny names like Falmouth, Hyannis, Sandwich, Mashpee......what!? I wanted to go to Sandwich since I'm pregnant, but then I remembered that the Kennedy's had their compound in Hyannis, so I voted for that town thinking it would be swank and fun.
We found a room at the Anchor-in. Don't let the name scare you....it was newly renovated and very nice. The hotel staff could not have been nicer or more helpful. The maid even let me commandeer some of her cleaning supplies for my changing pad......and we will get to why I needed those in a bit.
Our reason for going to the Cape was to get the boy on the beach! The real beach with actual waves......not just the small beach in our backyard. So we packed up and headed to the cape. I wore something breezy and summery for the drive. I got a cute new shirt at Madewell the other day for pennies. It was a flowy sleeveless off white top with yellow faceted plastic pieces embroidered on the front. Pigpen loves those! I wore that with some black linen capris, and my snakeskin gladiator sandals. That was a good idea until we hit traffic on the way out to the cape, and the air conditioner decided to pull it's usual, "I'm not going to blow cool air anymore", shit! I tried not to complain since my husband knows how I feel about the Volvo Wagon he bought from Craig's List, but the sun was beating in on my black linen pants and making me feel like I was in Hades. Between the stop and go traffic, the no AC, and turning around every five seconds to share a rice krispy treat with Pigpen......I was not feeling well at all. We stopped at a rest stop so my husband could pee, and I decided I would drive. It seemed like the traffic made everyone else have to relieve themselves as well. The line for the bathroom was out the the door and around the corner like a damn rock concert or something. I told him that I could hold it, and that he could wonder into the bushes. He did just that, and we were on our way.
Once we arrived we were pleasantly surprised by the hotel. I was expecting full-on Motel, but not so much, very nice indeed. We ate lunch on the Marina and then headed to the beach! Wah waaahhh, the beach was not what I expected. There were sharp shells everywhere, and seaweed galore! I asked my husband if it was the red tide, and he looked at me like I needed a Lobotomy. Pregnant people are to steer clear of the Red Tide....I read that somewhere I'm sure of it. We claimed a spot and set up our little chairs and put down Pigpens beach toys, and that little man headed straight for the water. He walked over all the sharp shells with his fat little baby feet like one of those crazy people who walk over hot coals. He wanted to get in the water immediately.....it was an emergency! The water was like ice, so he would get in and then get out, get in, get out, fall down, eat sand, eat seaweed, teeth would chatter......he loved it!
Daddy swam with the boy as mommy sat her pregnant bikini clad ass in the low to the ground camping chair, and thought, "am I really the whitest person here?" I watched a nearby mother of four shovel snack mix into her mouth like a professional eater.....it was amazing! She just put them in piece after piece in a matter of seconds, and barely held the bowl low enough for her daughter to partake. This went on for a good ten minutes until the bowl was completely empty. I ate my grapes that I had in my bag.
Once we decided it was time to go, we saw about 100 small sailboats returning from a Regatta Race, so my husband insisted that we walk to the end of the beach and watch the boats come in. He thought it would be educational for the boy, so we packed up our stuff and headed down; me with only my bikini and flip flops, and a, "I'm pregnant....that's why" attitude, and Pigpen perched on Daddy's shoulders...his favorite spot. As we were watching the boats come in one after the other I kept getting a whiff of a something awful. It was a terrible sour smell that was hard to place. I instinctively checked Pigpens diaper......I figured it would be clean since I could see the top of his butt crack as he rode on his daddy's shoulders. I peered in, and didn't see any stinky evidence. We got back in the car to head back and shower up for dinner, and that is when I smelled it again, and this time my husband could smell it too.
We got back to the room, and realized what it was. Pigpen did shit in his almost thong, way too small, swim diaper. He must have done it early on since there were only chunks left. All the liquid and water soluble things dissipated into the ocean....sorry fellow beach-goers. Oops! All that was left was some half eaten olives and black beans, oh and the stench.......the stench was on my husband's collar.........I loved it! :) After that, we all got cleaned up and walked into town for dinner. Oh wait, I just remembered that we swam in the hotel pool when we got home......sorry, hotel pool patrons. We really didn't know. Thank God olives and black beans weren't floating out of his thong swim diaper.
We rolled the stroller up to a restaurant called Columbos, and had the most fabulous meal. I even had one glass of Prosseco. The pig was asleep in his stroller with his Binky, piggy, and frog rag all snuggled up in his cashmere helicopter blanket that his YaYa gave him. Everyone commented on how sweet he was as they left......we were proud parents enjoying our mussels, beverages, and delicious food. There's nothing like a sleeping baby at a nice restaurant.
So the next morning we did what we always do. We got up, brushed our teeth, and made minimum effort for looks and headed to breakfast. I did at least have a Hermes scarf on my poofy bedhead hair, and maybe a brush of mascara and some under eye cream. We ate the hotel breakfast of yogurt, granola, and fresh berries, and then headed for a coffee shop. As we passed the ferry that was loading up people for Nantucket, we found a coffee shop and headed down for a morning stroll on the beach. Caramel Latte in hand and Pigpen happy in his stroller. He was still in his PJ top, some weird khaki pants that his daddy picked out, and a pageboy hat. We walked through the JFK Memorial, and headed down to the Hyannis Yacht club to watch the Regatta boats launch off of the beach. What fun! There were sooooo many boats! They were racing Lasers, 420's, and these small catamarans that completely hauled ass! It was so much fun to see all of the boats launch one after the other off of this small strip of beach.
Of course Pigpen was not supposed to get wet, but that didn't last for long. We decided to take his pants off completely, so he was running around in his PJ top, and Pageboy hat, and a diaper. I could just feel the Black Dog wearing Yacht Club parents looking at us like we had a redneck baby on their beach. He is 15 months old after all.....I mean, give me a break! He had a great time getting his diaper completely maxed out to full water holding capacity. I knew that it was going to weigh about 10 pounds when he was done. We stood on the beach for about 45 minutes as the boats launched and Pigpen ate more seaweed and probably a few rocks. Once we were ready to go I looked at his diaper and thought.....either that thing is dirty from the umteen crashes onto the ass he's done, or he has a yummy load in there. I told my husband that I suspected a surprise.
We decided to take him over to one of the beautiful teak benches that was accompanied by a beautiful flower pot of gorgeous flowers on each side. I think the bench may have been dedicated to someone important as well. I put down my changing pad and we layed him down. That's when the unexpected tsunami of chunky poo unleashed itself for all the Yachting passer bys to see. I screamed quietly and panicked. It wouldn't stop! It was just flowing like chunky orange lava out of the left side of his diaper! My husband stood him up, and we both got our feet as far from the Pig as possible. We took the diaper off while he was in a standing position, and tried to fold it up as carefully as possible! Pigpen was laughing, and of course trying to pull his wiener off as usual. At least he was standing still. The lifeguard was about 10 paces away, and I could see a look of disgust in his eyes as I looked up at him. I grabbed the changing pad and my coffee cup and headed for the water. I washed off the changing pad, and filled up the cup with water so I could try and wash off the bench and underneath the bench. It looked like someone threw up under the bench......it was a nightmare! We got Pigpen's shirt off and put him in a new diaper his ugly khaki pants and just his zip up hoody....no shirt. He was banished to his stroller as we tried to take care of the chunky puke under the bench. I looked up at the lifeguard stand again, and didn't see anyone. I was wondering if the young bronzed boy was going to get security, or going to throw up himself. It was horrible!!!!
So we learned a valuable lesson that I would like to pass on to other moms. Don't ever change a soggy wet diaper full of poo in a horizontal position. Just stand the boy up, and take it off that way......then, nobody gets hurt! Oh the horror! I'm sure we can never show our faces again down there. I'm sure Yacht club babies don't shit until they get home.
We found a room at the Anchor-in. Don't let the name scare you....it was newly renovated and very nice. The hotel staff could not have been nicer or more helpful. The maid even let me commandeer some of her cleaning supplies for my changing pad......and we will get to why I needed those in a bit.
Our reason for going to the Cape was to get the boy on the beach! The real beach with actual waves......not just the small beach in our backyard. So we packed up and headed to the cape. I wore something breezy and summery for the drive. I got a cute new shirt at Madewell the other day for pennies. It was a flowy sleeveless off white top with yellow faceted plastic pieces embroidered on the front. Pigpen loves those! I wore that with some black linen capris, and my snakeskin gladiator sandals. That was a good idea until we hit traffic on the way out to the cape, and the air conditioner decided to pull it's usual, "I'm not going to blow cool air anymore", shit! I tried not to complain since my husband knows how I feel about the Volvo Wagon he bought from Craig's List, but the sun was beating in on my black linen pants and making me feel like I was in Hades. Between the stop and go traffic, the no AC, and turning around every five seconds to share a rice krispy treat with Pigpen......I was not feeling well at all. We stopped at a rest stop so my husband could pee, and I decided I would drive. It seemed like the traffic made everyone else have to relieve themselves as well. The line for the bathroom was out the the door and around the corner like a damn rock concert or something. I told him that I could hold it, and that he could wonder into the bushes. He did just that, and we were on our way.
Once we arrived we were pleasantly surprised by the hotel. I was expecting full-on Motel, but not so much, very nice indeed. We ate lunch on the Marina and then headed to the beach! Wah waaahhh, the beach was not what I expected. There were sharp shells everywhere, and seaweed galore! I asked my husband if it was the red tide, and he looked at me like I needed a Lobotomy. Pregnant people are to steer clear of the Red Tide....I read that somewhere I'm sure of it. We claimed a spot and set up our little chairs and put down Pigpens beach toys, and that little man headed straight for the water. He walked over all the sharp shells with his fat little baby feet like one of those crazy people who walk over hot coals. He wanted to get in the water immediately.....it was an emergency! The water was like ice, so he would get in and then get out, get in, get out, fall down, eat sand, eat seaweed, teeth would chatter......he loved it!
Daddy swam with the boy as mommy sat her pregnant bikini clad ass in the low to the ground camping chair, and thought, "am I really the whitest person here?" I watched a nearby mother of four shovel snack mix into her mouth like a professional eater.....it was amazing! She just put them in piece after piece in a matter of seconds, and barely held the bowl low enough for her daughter to partake. This went on for a good ten minutes until the bowl was completely empty. I ate my grapes that I had in my bag.
Once we decided it was time to go, we saw about 100 small sailboats returning from a Regatta Race, so my husband insisted that we walk to the end of the beach and watch the boats come in. He thought it would be educational for the boy, so we packed up our stuff and headed down; me with only my bikini and flip flops, and a, "I'm pregnant....that's why" attitude, and Pigpen perched on Daddy's shoulders...his favorite spot. As we were watching the boats come in one after the other I kept getting a whiff of a something awful. It was a terrible sour smell that was hard to place. I instinctively checked Pigpens diaper......I figured it would be clean since I could see the top of his butt crack as he rode on his daddy's shoulders. I peered in, and didn't see any stinky evidence. We got back in the car to head back and shower up for dinner, and that is when I smelled it again, and this time my husband could smell it too.
We got back to the room, and realized what it was. Pigpen did shit in his almost thong, way too small, swim diaper. He must have done it early on since there were only chunks left. All the liquid and water soluble things dissipated into the ocean....sorry fellow beach-goers. Oops! All that was left was some half eaten olives and black beans, oh and the stench.......the stench was on my husband's collar.........I loved it! :) After that, we all got cleaned up and walked into town for dinner. Oh wait, I just remembered that we swam in the hotel pool when we got home......sorry, hotel pool patrons. We really didn't know. Thank God olives and black beans weren't floating out of his thong swim diaper.
We rolled the stroller up to a restaurant called Columbos, and had the most fabulous meal. I even had one glass of Prosseco. The pig was asleep in his stroller with his Binky, piggy, and frog rag all snuggled up in his cashmere helicopter blanket that his YaYa gave him. Everyone commented on how sweet he was as they left......we were proud parents enjoying our mussels, beverages, and delicious food. There's nothing like a sleeping baby at a nice restaurant.
So the next morning we did what we always do. We got up, brushed our teeth, and made minimum effort for looks and headed to breakfast. I did at least have a Hermes scarf on my poofy bedhead hair, and maybe a brush of mascara and some under eye cream. We ate the hotel breakfast of yogurt, granola, and fresh berries, and then headed for a coffee shop. As we passed the ferry that was loading up people for Nantucket, we found a coffee shop and headed down for a morning stroll on the beach. Caramel Latte in hand and Pigpen happy in his stroller. He was still in his PJ top, some weird khaki pants that his daddy picked out, and a pageboy hat. We walked through the JFK Memorial, and headed down to the Hyannis Yacht club to watch the Regatta boats launch off of the beach. What fun! There were sooooo many boats! They were racing Lasers, 420's, and these small catamarans that completely hauled ass! It was so much fun to see all of the boats launch one after the other off of this small strip of beach.
Of course Pigpen was not supposed to get wet, but that didn't last for long. We decided to take his pants off completely, so he was running around in his PJ top, and Pageboy hat, and a diaper. I could just feel the Black Dog wearing Yacht Club parents looking at us like we had a redneck baby on their beach. He is 15 months old after all.....I mean, give me a break! He had a great time getting his diaper completely maxed out to full water holding capacity. I knew that it was going to weigh about 10 pounds when he was done. We stood on the beach for about 45 minutes as the boats launched and Pigpen ate more seaweed and probably a few rocks. Once we were ready to go I looked at his diaper and thought.....either that thing is dirty from the umteen crashes onto the ass he's done, or he has a yummy load in there. I told my husband that I suspected a surprise.
We decided to take him over to one of the beautiful teak benches that was accompanied by a beautiful flower pot of gorgeous flowers on each side. I think the bench may have been dedicated to someone important as well. I put down my changing pad and we layed him down. That's when the unexpected tsunami of chunky poo unleashed itself for all the Yachting passer bys to see. I screamed quietly and panicked. It wouldn't stop! It was just flowing like chunky orange lava out of the left side of his diaper! My husband stood him up, and we both got our feet as far from the Pig as possible. We took the diaper off while he was in a standing position, and tried to fold it up as carefully as possible! Pigpen was laughing, and of course trying to pull his wiener off as usual. At least he was standing still. The lifeguard was about 10 paces away, and I could see a look of disgust in his eyes as I looked up at him. I grabbed the changing pad and my coffee cup and headed for the water. I washed off the changing pad, and filled up the cup with water so I could try and wash off the bench and underneath the bench. It looked like someone threw up under the bench......it was a nightmare! We got Pigpen's shirt off and put him in a new diaper his ugly khaki pants and just his zip up hoody....no shirt. He was banished to his stroller as we tried to take care of the chunky puke under the bench. I looked up at the lifeguard stand again, and didn't see anyone. I was wondering if the young bronzed boy was going to get security, or going to throw up himself. It was horrible!!!!
So we learned a valuable lesson that I would like to pass on to other moms. Don't ever change a soggy wet diaper full of poo in a horizontal position. Just stand the boy up, and take it off that way......then, nobody gets hurt! Oh the horror! I'm sure we can never show our faces again down there. I'm sure Yacht club babies don't shit until they get home.
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