Kicked out of the Hyannis Yacht Club

My husband and I decided to go to the "Cape" this weekend. That's what all the New Englanders call Cape Cod. We had no idea where to go since the Cape is full of little towns with funny names like Falmouth, Hyannis, Sandwich, Mashpee......what!? I wanted to go to Sandwich since I'm pregnant, but then I remembered that the Kennedy's had their compound in Hyannis, so I voted for that town thinking it would be swank and fun.

We found a room at the Anchor-in. Don't let the name scare you....it was newly renovated and very nice. The hotel staff could not have been nicer or more helpful. The maid even let me commandeer some of her cleaning supplies for my changing pad......and we will get to why I needed those in a bit.

Our reason for going to the Cape was to get the boy on the beach! The real beach with actual waves......not just the small beach in our backyard. So we packed up and headed to the cape. I wore something breezy and summery for the drive. I got a cute new shirt at Madewell the other day for pennies. It was a flowy sleeveless off white top with yellow faceted plastic pieces embroidered on the front. Pigpen loves those! I wore that with some black linen capris, and my snakeskin gladiator sandals. That was a good idea until we hit traffic on the way out to the cape, and the air conditioner decided to pull it's usual, "I'm not going to blow cool air anymore", shit! I tried not to complain since my husband knows how I feel about the Volvo Wagon he bought from Craig's List, but the sun was beating in on my black linen pants and making me feel like I was in Hades. Between the stop and go traffic, the no AC, and turning around every five seconds to share a rice krispy treat with Pigpen......I was not feeling well at all. We stopped at a rest stop so my husband could pee, and I decided I would drive. It seemed like the traffic made everyone else have to relieve themselves as well. The line for the bathroom was out the the door and around the corner like a damn rock concert or something. I told him that I could hold it, and that he could wonder into the bushes. He did just that, and we were on our way.

Once we arrived we were pleasantly surprised by the hotel. I was expecting full-on Motel, but not so much, very nice indeed. We ate lunch on the Marina and then headed to the beach! Wah waaahhh, the beach was not what I expected. There were sharp shells everywhere, and seaweed galore! I asked my husband if it was the red tide, and he looked at me like I needed a Lobotomy. Pregnant people are to steer clear of the Red Tide....I read that somewhere I'm sure of it. We claimed a spot and set up our little chairs and put down Pigpens beach toys, and that little man headed straight for the water. He walked over all the sharp shells with his fat little baby feet like one of those crazy people who walk over hot coals. He wanted to get in the water immediately.....it was an emergency! The water was like ice, so he would get in and then get out, get in, get out, fall down, eat sand, eat seaweed, teeth would chatter......he loved it!

Daddy swam with the boy as mommy sat her pregnant bikini clad ass in the low to the ground camping chair, and thought, "am I really the whitest person here?" I watched a nearby mother of four shovel snack mix into her mouth like a professional eater.....it was amazing! She just put them in piece after piece in a matter of seconds, and barely held the bowl low enough for her daughter to partake. This went on for a good ten minutes until the bowl was completely empty. I ate my grapes that I had in my bag.

Once we decided it was time to go, we saw about 100 small sailboats returning from a Regatta Race, so my husband insisted that we walk to the end of the beach and watch the boats come in. He thought it would be educational for the boy, so we packed up our stuff and headed down; me with only my bikini and flip flops, and a, "I'm pregnant....that's why" attitude, and Pigpen perched on Daddy's shoulders...his favorite spot. As we were watching the boats come in one after the other I kept getting a whiff of a something awful. It was a terrible sour smell that was hard to place. I instinctively checked Pigpens diaper......I figured it would be clean since I could see the top of his butt crack as he rode on his daddy's shoulders. I peered in, and didn't see any stinky evidence. We got back in the car to head back and shower up for dinner, and that is when I smelled it again, and this time my husband could smell it too.

We got back to the room, and realized what it was. Pigpen did shit in his almost thong, way too small, swim diaper. He must have done it early on since there were only chunks left. All the liquid and water soluble things dissipated into the ocean....sorry fellow beach-goers. Oops! All that was left was some half eaten olives and black beans, oh and the stench.......the stench was on my husband's collar.........I loved it! :) After that, we all got cleaned up and walked into town for dinner. Oh wait, I just remembered that we swam in the hotel pool when we got home......sorry, hotel pool patrons. We really didn't know. Thank God olives and black beans weren't floating out of his thong swim diaper.

We rolled the stroller up to a restaurant called Columbos, and had the most fabulous meal. I even had one glass of Prosseco. The pig was asleep in his stroller with his Binky, piggy, and frog rag all snuggled up in his cashmere helicopter blanket that his YaYa gave him. Everyone commented on how sweet he was as they left......we were proud parents enjoying our mussels, beverages, and delicious food. There's nothing like a sleeping baby at a nice restaurant.

So the next morning we did what we always do. We got up, brushed our teeth, and made minimum effort for looks and headed to breakfast. I did at least have a Hermes scarf on my poofy bedhead hair, and maybe a brush of mascara and some under eye cream. We ate the hotel breakfast of yogurt, granola, and fresh berries, and then headed for a coffee shop. As we passed the ferry that was loading up people for Nantucket, we found a coffee shop and headed down for a morning stroll on the beach. Caramel Latte in hand and Pigpen happy in his stroller. He was still in his PJ top, some weird khaki pants that his daddy picked out, and a pageboy hat. We walked through the JFK Memorial, and headed down to the Hyannis Yacht club to watch the Regatta boats launch off of the beach. What fun! There were sooooo many boats! They were racing Lasers, 420's, and these small catamarans that completely hauled ass! It was so much fun to see all of the boats launch one after the other off of this small strip of beach.

Of course Pigpen was not supposed to get wet, but that didn't last for long. We decided to take his pants off completely, so he was running around in his PJ top, and Pageboy hat, and a diaper. I could just feel the Black Dog wearing Yacht Club parents looking at us like we had a redneck baby on their beach. He is 15 months old after all.....I mean, give me a break! He had a great time getting his diaper completely maxed out to full water holding capacity. I knew that it was going to weigh about 10 pounds when he was done. We stood on the beach for about 45 minutes as the boats launched and Pigpen ate more seaweed and probably a few rocks. Once we were ready to go I looked at his diaper and thought.....either that thing is dirty from the umteen crashes onto the ass he's done, or he has a yummy load in there. I told my husband that I suspected a surprise.

We decided to take him over to one of the beautiful teak benches that was accompanied by a beautiful flower pot of gorgeous flowers on each side. I think the bench may have been dedicated to someone important as well. I put down my changing pad and we layed him down. That's when the unexpected tsunami of chunky poo unleashed itself for all the Yachting passer bys to see. I screamed quietly and panicked. It wouldn't stop! It was just flowing like chunky orange lava out of the left side of his diaper! My husband stood him up, and we both got our feet as far from the Pig as possible. We took the diaper off while he was in a standing position, and tried to fold it up as carefully as possible! Pigpen was laughing, and of course trying to pull his wiener off as usual. At least he was standing still. The lifeguard was about 10 paces away, and I could see a look of disgust in his eyes as I looked up at him. I grabbed the changing pad and my coffee cup and headed for the water. I washed off the changing pad, and filled up the cup with water so I could try and wash off the bench and underneath the bench. It looked like someone threw up under the bench......it was a nightmare! We got Pigpen's shirt off and put him in a new diaper his ugly khaki pants and just his zip up hoody....no shirt. He was banished to his stroller as we tried to take care of the chunky puke under the bench. I looked up at the lifeguard stand again, and didn't see anyone. I was wondering if the young bronzed boy was going to get security, or going to throw up himself. It was horrible!!!!

So we learned a valuable lesson that I would like to pass on to other moms. Don't ever change a soggy wet diaper full of poo in a horizontal position. Just stand the boy up, and take it off that way......then, nobody gets hurt! Oh the horror! I'm sure we can never show our faces again down there. I'm sure Yacht club babies don't shit until they get home.