If you are a mom you know that a shower is not just a shower, it's a small luxury that is rarely enjoyed and prolonged, but when it is.......it's like a unexplainable cleanse of so many things-someone else's snot, spit up, an unusual smell on your shoulder, pureed carrots from your hair, your overall spirit. Today I experienced one of those. Today......I am a better person.
Usually my "mom shower" is something reminiscent of Summer Camp, meaning, you have about 3 minutes to do your best. IE-shaving your legs is not on the menu unless you want to take the entire strip of skin off of your tibia. The underarms, well, you will regret it when you lift your arms overhead at a playdate the next day, or at the gym....if you're an over achiever mom who frequents such places. I do frequent the gym...at first it was the only place that I could get away from my "nice baby", and it was the only place that the "nice baby" could get some human contact with other "nice babies" and not to mention other caregivers. I have finally made some friends, so I do also get to go to playdates and fun little outings these days. Thank you Jesus! I digress....
Thus, not looking like Julia Roberts on the red carpet that time she had full on man hair under her arms is important. Okay, back to the "mom shower". The "mom shower" happens at two different times of the day: way too late, or during nap time. The "way to late" shower usually happens around 10pm when I would rather be curled up on the sofa watching something mindless or drifting off to sleep in my cozy bed. This shower is truly a necessity because you realize that it's not your husband who smells like BO, it's you! And, if you want your new Alexander Wang Cardigan Wrap (the one you bought at Barneys for way too much that really shouldn't go in the washer) to smell like your husband, you better take it off, and take care of that. So, that's the late shower.
The "nap time shower" is the most ridiculous of the two. This is the one that starts on impulse. You realize that you may have a few moments to yourself, and you really long to read the new addition of Lucky that just arrived in the mailbox, but once again, you can't remember the last time you showered, and you think that must be the reason that your hair is so....well, uncooperative. So, you rip off your clothes, leave the bathroom door open, blast the baby monitor, and hope you can get through the conditioning cycle before you hear the scream of the baby, or the blood curdling, "mooooommmyyy" of the two and half year old. My favorite is when you can hear the baby crying, and you haven't even rinsed the shampoo out of your hair or even started the body wash faze. This is when you have to make the clutch decision, do I finish, or do I rush out of the shower only to find that she is bored and not dying of something unusual? Decisions decision.....the day is filled with them when you stay at home with your kids.
I remember, in my former life, I would wake up, go for a run, come back, eat breakfast, shower, get dressed in a suit, heels, fabulous bag, and head out the door with perfume on. Everyday. Back then I took showers for granted, I hate myself for that.
However, every once in a while you will have that great day when both kids nap at the same time, and you have 2 whole hours to yourself. And in two hours.....anythings possible!! Keep in mind, you can't leave your house, but you might be able to shower, do some on-line shopping, win something fab on Ebay, watch some Tivo'd nonsense and enjoy an afternoon Espresso. I call this, "the perfect storm", and I will never take those days for granted.......Ever!
So here's to all you mom's out there who have showered faster than the pit crew changing a tire at a Nascar race. I get it, I impathize with it, and I can laugh about it. :)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
LL Bean??
So, ever since I've moved to New England I have felt somewhat compelled to own something from LL Bean. I can't believe I just admitted that, but don't write me off just yet. I have tried to like their wares every time we get one of their catalogs in the mail, and since we get one every five days it seems.....I have tried a lot! I even went with my husband to a new LL Bean store that just opened in Dedham. I went with him fully convinced I would leave the store with a pair of LL Bean Classic Duck boots, but I just couldn't pull the trigger when it came down to it. I guess I just felt so......dare I say.......ordinary.
Plus I might have to shoot myself in the face if I were out in my LL Bean Classic duck boots and happened to walk by a fellow fashionista sporting some Jimmy Choo Hunter Wellies. She would probably look at my ordinary boots and look at me like a fun project. That is when I would scream inside and shoot myself in the face, because.......if you have Jimmy Choo rainboots, you wear the Jimmy Choo rainboots, and oh yes, I have the Jimmy Choo Hunter wellies in Black.
However, I was somewhat enchanted with the commercial for the new store opening that was airing in the area. It showed several devoted customers lining up the day before the big opening with tents, sleeping bags, camp chairs, little stoves, etc.....all made by LL Bean. These people were adventurous, happy, and all hoping to get the coveted $1000 gift card that goes to one of the random first 25 customers. It looked like a fab time! I mean, you are camping in the parking lot at a nice new shopping center right next door to PF Changs. Civilization is right there, and it has lettuce wraps, and Dan Dan noodles. Anyway, I was enchanted and intrigued, but somewhat disappointed with the selection of ill-fitting pants and mock turtlenecks once we finally went to the store.
But then, this summer, something somewhat extraordinary happened. No, I didn't turn gay and fall in love with Classic LL Bean clothing, We got a different type of LL Bean catalog. It was the "LL Bean Signature" catalog, and the clothes were actually cute. I even dogeared some pages. That's major!!
There is a slight hint of fall in the air right now in New England. I'm still trying to hold on to summer without wishing it away, but all of my cute boots are calling out to me in the night.....it's just so hard. And well, I think I found a pair of new boots to add to my collection. LL Bean Signature line has come out with their "stylish" version of the Classic Bean Boot. It's so cute! It's almost twice the price of the ugly one, but that's okay, because it's actually really cool, and it's sitting in my online shopping cart as I type. I think I need them! I actually think I might need several things from the website.
In fact, I was genuinely sad when I discovered that the Vintage Rose Madras Camp Shirt is sold out in my size. I might need the corduroy shorts, and I can't believe that I love the navy turtleneck with ducks on it. Who am I? I thought I liked the Cuffed cropped pant, but then upon further inspection I discovered that the model looked like she had a faint camel toe and a fat ass, so that means disaster for normal people, so don't even think about it. I like the Heeled Penny Loafer, and dare I say.......the signature belt! Ahhhh! I would be a walking advertisement for them if I got that! I don't know if I was abducted by aliens last night or what, but it's true, I kind of want it!
Thus, it's official, I am borderline obsessed with the Bean Boot, and the Downeaster Sport Wool Plaid Bag. It's the cutest! And it will be so sassy on weekend trips to mountain lodges because we do so much of that with our two kids, well, maybe we will start. :) Should I click the check out button......
Plus I might have to shoot myself in the face if I were out in my LL Bean Classic duck boots and happened to walk by a fellow fashionista sporting some Jimmy Choo Hunter Wellies. She would probably look at my ordinary boots and look at me like a fun project. That is when I would scream inside and shoot myself in the face, because.......if you have Jimmy Choo rainboots, you wear the Jimmy Choo rainboots, and oh yes, I have the Jimmy Choo Hunter wellies in Black.
However, I was somewhat enchanted with the commercial for the new store opening that was airing in the area. It showed several devoted customers lining up the day before the big opening with tents, sleeping bags, camp chairs, little stoves, etc.....all made by LL Bean. These people were adventurous, happy, and all hoping to get the coveted $1000 gift card that goes to one of the random first 25 customers. It looked like a fab time! I mean, you are camping in the parking lot at a nice new shopping center right next door to PF Changs. Civilization is right there, and it has lettuce wraps, and Dan Dan noodles. Anyway, I was enchanted and intrigued, but somewhat disappointed with the selection of ill-fitting pants and mock turtlenecks once we finally went to the store.
But then, this summer, something somewhat extraordinary happened. No, I didn't turn gay and fall in love with Classic LL Bean clothing, We got a different type of LL Bean catalog. It was the "LL Bean Signature" catalog, and the clothes were actually cute. I even dogeared some pages. That's major!!
There is a slight hint of fall in the air right now in New England. I'm still trying to hold on to summer without wishing it away, but all of my cute boots are calling out to me in the night.....it's just so hard. And well, I think I found a pair of new boots to add to my collection. LL Bean Signature line has come out with their "stylish" version of the Classic Bean Boot. It's so cute! It's almost twice the price of the ugly one, but that's okay, because it's actually really cool, and it's sitting in my online shopping cart as I type. I think I need them! I actually think I might need several things from the website.
In fact, I was genuinely sad when I discovered that the Vintage Rose Madras Camp Shirt is sold out in my size. I might need the corduroy shorts, and I can't believe that I love the navy turtleneck with ducks on it. Who am I? I thought I liked the Cuffed cropped pant, but then upon further inspection I discovered that the model looked like she had a faint camel toe and a fat ass, so that means disaster for normal people, so don't even think about it. I like the Heeled Penny Loafer, and dare I say.......the signature belt! Ahhhh! I would be a walking advertisement for them if I got that! I don't know if I was abducted by aliens last night or what, but it's true, I kind of want it!
Thus, it's official, I am borderline obsessed with the Bean Boot, and the Downeaster Sport Wool Plaid Bag. It's the cutest! And it will be so sassy on weekend trips to mountain lodges because we do so much of that with our two kids, well, maybe we will start. :) Should I click the check out button......
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Local Produce
So, I just ate a delicious orange, and I noticed when I pulled the sticker off of it, that it came all the way from South Africa!! WTF? Why is my grocery store in Milford, MA buying bags of oranges from South Africa? Does that seem weird to anyone else, or is it just me? I just can't help but wonder what that bag of oranges had to go through to get here. Was it nothing short of planes, trains, and automobiles for that bag of South African oranges?
I also can't help but feel guilty that I'm not supporting the local community, or better yet, just plain old America. I would much rather be supporting an American Orange grower....I'm sure there are plenty that need my support. Why does my Massachusetts grocery store out source their oranges to South Africa. (I know, I know, I should have gone to a damn farmer's market, but I didn't!) I can't help but think it costs a fortune to bring those oranges to the states. Wouldn't it cost the same to get them more locally? Can local farmers not supply the demand for such a big grocery chain? Am I dabbling in, dare I say the words,.....Global Economics right now? Those words remind me of college, and of scary college classes taught by terribly uninteresting professors that create nothing less than a snooze fest instead of economic awareness. Maybe that's why I don't know the answers to these seemingly simple questions.
Why can't the grocery stores stock their shelves with local fair? I'm sure the local farmers don't have the overhead of a factory over seas, or maybe the oranges came from a local South African Farmer who really drives a tractor.....I don't really know, but I still can't help but think it's weird that I still have 4 oranges left in my house that traveled here from South Africa. Oh if those oranges could talk......would they have a British accent?
I also can't help but feel guilty that I'm not supporting the local community, or better yet, just plain old America. I would much rather be supporting an American Orange grower....I'm sure there are plenty that need my support. Why does my Massachusetts grocery store out source their oranges to South Africa. (I know, I know, I should have gone to a damn farmer's market, but I didn't!) I can't help but think it costs a fortune to bring those oranges to the states. Wouldn't it cost the same to get them more locally? Can local farmers not supply the demand for such a big grocery chain? Am I dabbling in, dare I say the words,.....Global Economics right now? Those words remind me of college, and of scary college classes taught by terribly uninteresting professors that create nothing less than a snooze fest instead of economic awareness. Maybe that's why I don't know the answers to these seemingly simple questions.
Why can't the grocery stores stock their shelves with local fair? I'm sure the local farmers don't have the overhead of a factory over seas, or maybe the oranges came from a local South African Farmer who really drives a tractor.....I don't really know, but I still can't help but think it's weird that I still have 4 oranges left in my house that traveled here from South Africa. Oh if those oranges could talk......would they have a British accent?
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Boys have a Johnson, Girls have a vagina...
So, this morning, when I was changing The Bird's diaper, Pigpen asked me where her "johnson" was. I told him that she didn't have a johnson because she was a girl, and girl's have a vagina. I then asked him if mommy had a johnson, and he said yes. I reminded him that mommy was a girl, and girls have a vagina, so mommy doesn't have a johnson. So, he shrugged his shoulders and went on his way. I then changed his diaper, and he was babbling something about mommy's "gina" and baby sister's "gina". I hadn't a clue, so I decided to inform them at school of his newfound information.
I told the girls that Pigpen learned that boys have a johnson, and girls have a vagina this morning, so I wasn't sure what great things he was going to say today. They looked at me half confused and laughing and just nodded. I left wandering if he was the only two year old that was aware of this....hmmmmm.
I had forgotten about the whole thing by the time I picked him up, and they didn't have any genitalia themed reports for me, so we drove home and talked about all the trucks and cars he played with at school. That evening when we were walking to the driving range, I told my husband about our conversation, and he thought that vagina was too "grown up" of a word to teach a boy who just turned two. I always thought you were supposed to call it by it's name and not make a big deal about it. Thus, we decided to call it "teetee" from here on out.
So daddy was taking him up to bed, and he told daddy that he didn't want to go to bed, he wanted to go to the store to touch "ginas". Daddy told him that those stores were illegal in Massachusetts, so Pigpen went to bed, and daddy told mommy that's why you don't call it a vagina yet. I'm still laughing!
I told the girls that Pigpen learned that boys have a johnson, and girls have a vagina this morning, so I wasn't sure what great things he was going to say today. They looked at me half confused and laughing and just nodded. I left wandering if he was the only two year old that was aware of this....hmmmmm.
I had forgotten about the whole thing by the time I picked him up, and they didn't have any genitalia themed reports for me, so we drove home and talked about all the trucks and cars he played with at school. That evening when we were walking to the driving range, I told my husband about our conversation, and he thought that vagina was too "grown up" of a word to teach a boy who just turned two. I always thought you were supposed to call it by it's name and not make a big deal about it. Thus, we decided to call it "teetee" from here on out.
So daddy was taking him up to bed, and he told daddy that he didn't want to go to bed, he wanted to go to the store to touch "ginas". Daddy told him that those stores were illegal in Massachusetts, so Pigpen went to bed, and daddy told mommy that's why you don't call it a vagina yet. I'm still laughing!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Watch Your Children
Hi all! I was at the park today on a "playdate", and I witnessed something very interesting. I'd love to know what you think about this. Pigpen was on the teeter totter (aka seesaw), and we ran into this really cute dad with his really cute little boy. The dad was super friendly and his son was a chip off the old block. The dad was surprised at how tall my friend's daughter was since his son was three, and not nearly as tall. The kids played for a second, and then his sweet little son wanted to venture over to the big kid park. We were playing in the little kid park that was fenced in, and the Big Kid park next to it was not.
So, cute dad left and never resurfaced until I was leaving. As I was navigating the stroller out of the gate with Pigpen holding my hand, I saw cute dad again with his little boy. He asked me if I knew who this other child belonged to. I looked over at the cute little boy no older than three. I asked him where his mommy was, and he just looked at me with a blank stare. I looked at cute dad, and he said that the kid had been hanging out with them for the last 15 minutes or so, and he hadn't seen anyone looking after him.
So, that's the situation.....no, he didn't ask me out, or try to make out with me. :) So my thoughts were...."I'm sure this kid's parents are here, but who are they, and why aren't they seeing this go down......"this" meaning, two strangers looking for his parents. I know cute dad was a bit concerned, but I also know that his fun outing with his son at the park had now turned into; fun outing with son and random kid that he now felt responsible for.
I looked around, and told him I wasn't sure as Pigpen was telling me that he wanted to go back into the park. I told Pigpen that the car was much more fun, and surprisingly he agreed. The cute dad looked at me and said, "wow, that really works?"
I smiled and walked off, and as I was leaving I stopped by a picnic table of women and asked if anyone knew who the little boy in the striped shirt belonged to. Then, this young girl looked at me and said in a "so annoyed that she had to stop talking about whatever it was she was talking about tone" ; "he's mine, and he's fine." Whoa there sweet heart! I didn't really know what to say since she made it sound like I was some crazy worried over protective mom, By the way, she was sitting at the picnic table about 20 yards from her son with her back to him, and he was barely visible from where she was. I quickly said, "that guys a dad which means he's new to all of this, so just humor him." They laughed and then she said even more bitchy, "he's fine! Andrew, you can go in there....it's allowed."
Oh, she was such a snatch about the whole thing. I thought maybe she was just going to be that way to me, but when she yelled across the playground like we weren't letting her kid do something it was just gross. I wish I would have had the quick wit to say, "we were just a little concerned since he wouldn't speak to us, or even point out his mother".....underlying meaning, your kid is way too young to play by himself if he isn't old enough to point you out, you snatch!
I don't know, I'm still a little shocked that she didn't even know where he was, or seemed so nonchalant about his whole existence at the park. I totally think I could have walked off with him, but who knows. I just know, that my kid has one of my eyes on him the whole time everywhere we go. Am I psycho, or should I just relax?
So, cute dad left and never resurfaced until I was leaving. As I was navigating the stroller out of the gate with Pigpen holding my hand, I saw cute dad again with his little boy. He asked me if I knew who this other child belonged to. I looked over at the cute little boy no older than three. I asked him where his mommy was, and he just looked at me with a blank stare. I looked at cute dad, and he said that the kid had been hanging out with them for the last 15 minutes or so, and he hadn't seen anyone looking after him.
So, that's the situation.....no, he didn't ask me out, or try to make out with me. :) So my thoughts were...."I'm sure this kid's parents are here, but who are they, and why aren't they seeing this go down......"this" meaning, two strangers looking for his parents. I know cute dad was a bit concerned, but I also know that his fun outing with his son at the park had now turned into; fun outing with son and random kid that he now felt responsible for.
I looked around, and told him I wasn't sure as Pigpen was telling me that he wanted to go back into the park. I told Pigpen that the car was much more fun, and surprisingly he agreed. The cute dad looked at me and said, "wow, that really works?"
I smiled and walked off, and as I was leaving I stopped by a picnic table of women and asked if anyone knew who the little boy in the striped shirt belonged to. Then, this young girl looked at me and said in a "so annoyed that she had to stop talking about whatever it was she was talking about tone" ; "he's mine, and he's fine." Whoa there sweet heart! I didn't really know what to say since she made it sound like I was some crazy worried over protective mom, By the way, she was sitting at the picnic table about 20 yards from her son with her back to him, and he was barely visible from where she was. I quickly said, "that guys a dad which means he's new to all of this, so just humor him." They laughed and then she said even more bitchy, "he's fine! Andrew, you can go in there....it's allowed."
Oh, she was such a snatch about the whole thing. I thought maybe she was just going to be that way to me, but when she yelled across the playground like we weren't letting her kid do something it was just gross. I wish I would have had the quick wit to say, "we were just a little concerned since he wouldn't speak to us, or even point out his mother".....underlying meaning, your kid is way too young to play by himself if he isn't old enough to point you out, you snatch!
I don't know, I'm still a little shocked that she didn't even know where he was, or seemed so nonchalant about his whole existence at the park. I totally think I could have walked off with him, but who knows. I just know, that my kid has one of my eyes on him the whole time everywhere we go. Am I psycho, or should I just relax?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Zady's Shots
So my mom was in town, and we had such a great time together! I love her so much!!! Okay, back to the story. Zady hit her four month mark, and that meant more shots, and because I am the wife of the year if not the century, I decided to forgo the shots until a more suitable time. Her four month checkup was right before I left for my girl's weekend to NYC, so I decided to not get her shots in case she had a reaction. I didn't want to chance it. I wouldn't be able to leave my husband at home with a sick baby that was just learning to take a bottle. I just couldn't fathem, so I made an appointment to get them a week later.
I dressed Zady in her fabulous little brown dress that makes her look like an Eco Baby model. The dress is brown with little blue, green, and pink birdhouses all over it....it is perfection. I thought this would be easy for shot administration since I wouldn't have to mess with pants. I was armed with funbags full of milk, and some Tylenol if need be. The nurse came in with 3 syringes and the rotavirus drink. I asked her what we were getting today, and she spouted off the usual. Rotavirus, DTaP, Hep B, and MMR. They sounded right to me, so she went for it. Zady lapped up the rotavirus, and then hated the rest of the experience. I nursed her as soon as the nurse left the room, and she immediately forgot about the horror, and concentrated on her quest for being the fattest baby girl on the planet.
After we had occupied the room for about 20 minutes I was just about to put the Bird back in her carseat when the nurse popped in and told us not to leave until she talked to us. My mom and I looked at each other and said okay wilst shrugging our shoulders.
I couldn't imagine what she wanted to talk to us about, but we waited and waited, and then I finally opened the door to the room as to say.....hello, what the hell, in a jesture of course. The nurse comes in and shuts the door, and then tells us that she looked at the wrong chart, and accidently gave Zady the Hep B shot. Of course the first thing that pops into my head is Autism, and all the controversy over vaccines. But, I calmly asked, "is this dangerous?", and she assured me that it wasn't, and that they used to give them the Hep B shot at this visit until just recently.......I asked, "how recently," and she told me it changed about a year ago.....which means about two years ago.......ahhhhhh! I was so mad, but trying to be calm and not bitchy. She said that I could talk to the doctor, and then she told me that she is an honest person, and that is why she couldn't let us leave without telling us. I was thinking to myself....."woman, we were here for an extra 20 minutes before you popped in and told us to stay longer. So we waited for the doctor to come in.
Once the Doctor came in, she assured us that it was not harmful, and that with this misshap, she wouldn't need to get the Hep B at her 6 month visit. SHe was trying her hardest to spin it into a positive. I cleared up any questions, and then made her stand there as I typed in the info into my IPhone so I wouldnt forget any important info for my next visit. Talking to the doctor made me feel better, and made me able to put the "mishap" in the back of my mind as we headed for the mall.
Zady was acting perfectly normal, so I was totally over everything in about 2 hours. My mom and I were having a great time at the mall. We had a lovely lunch, and were now having fun in the makup department of Niemans. This is when I learned that earlier that day they had a brunch and a private screening of Sex and The City. I was appaulled!!! I looked at Leo with sadness in my eyes as I said, "what?? Where was my invite???? He gave me a sheepish look and asked me if he should get my mom a champagne as well as me......
I quickly got over it because, I mean really, I could not have gone....I have a baby! Oh well, and plus, we had to take Zady in to get too many shots that morning. Then....dun dun dun!!!!! I was waited for my champagne in the Shoe Salon when my phone rang. There was a woman's voice on the other end of the line that said, "is this Zady's mom?" It was the doctor. She told me that she wanted to call me because it's been bothering her all day. She misread the chart earlier, and was mistaken on her answers to my questions. My heart sank as I walked over to the corner of the shoe salon in the most fabulous pair of Miu Miu platform heels you can imagine. She told me that the shot would not count after all toward her needed vaccinations, and that she would need to get another one at her six month visit. I was fuming!!!
I told her that I was upset before, but that now I was absolutely pissed because she was basically telling me that my four month old baby got a vaccination that she didn't need. I was so mad, and I was not going to just laugh it off and say, "oh okay." She told me that I had every right to be upset, and that she was very sorry. I then went on to tell her that because of this, I am forced to be one of those annoying parents who second guess and ask and make sure about everything their staff does. I don't want to be that mom, but apparently I'm going to have to be. I told her that I go there and put my child's health and wellbeing in their hands because that's there job, and now I'm going to have to be the "internet parent" because of this incident.
I hated it!!! I hated everything about the situation. I hated that the nurse messed up, for my child, and for the nurse. I know that she was busy, but give me a break.....that could have been really bad! Apparently she was reprimanded and management was notified......whatever! It's all just gross. I'm sure it ruined her day, and it made me feel like a bad parent. It made me feel guilty that I didn't have my child's shot records and the shot record reccomendations by the American Board of Pediatrics memorized.
Needless to say, the bird is fine, I gulped down my champagne, and got a great discount on the Tory Burch studded thong sandals that I wanted. Lesson learned.....always be on top of things at the doctor, and know that ultimately you are the one responsible for your child's health.
I dressed Zady in her fabulous little brown dress that makes her look like an Eco Baby model. The dress is brown with little blue, green, and pink birdhouses all over it....it is perfection. I thought this would be easy for shot administration since I wouldn't have to mess with pants. I was armed with funbags full of milk, and some Tylenol if need be. The nurse came in with 3 syringes and the rotavirus drink. I asked her what we were getting today, and she spouted off the usual. Rotavirus, DTaP, Hep B, and MMR. They sounded right to me, so she went for it. Zady lapped up the rotavirus, and then hated the rest of the experience. I nursed her as soon as the nurse left the room, and she immediately forgot about the horror, and concentrated on her quest for being the fattest baby girl on the planet.
After we had occupied the room for about 20 minutes I was just about to put the Bird back in her carseat when the nurse popped in and told us not to leave until she talked to us. My mom and I looked at each other and said okay wilst shrugging our shoulders.
I couldn't imagine what she wanted to talk to us about, but we waited and waited, and then I finally opened the door to the room as to say.....hello, what the hell, in a jesture of course. The nurse comes in and shuts the door, and then tells us that she looked at the wrong chart, and accidently gave Zady the Hep B shot. Of course the first thing that pops into my head is Autism, and all the controversy over vaccines. But, I calmly asked, "is this dangerous?", and she assured me that it wasn't, and that they used to give them the Hep B shot at this visit until just recently.......I asked, "how recently," and she told me it changed about a year ago.....which means about two years ago.......ahhhhhh! I was so mad, but trying to be calm and not bitchy. She said that I could talk to the doctor, and then she told me that she is an honest person, and that is why she couldn't let us leave without telling us. I was thinking to myself....."woman, we were here for an extra 20 minutes before you popped in and told us to stay longer. So we waited for the doctor to come in.
Once the Doctor came in, she assured us that it was not harmful, and that with this misshap, she wouldn't need to get the Hep B at her 6 month visit. SHe was trying her hardest to spin it into a positive. I cleared up any questions, and then made her stand there as I typed in the info into my IPhone so I wouldnt forget any important info for my next visit. Talking to the doctor made me feel better, and made me able to put the "mishap" in the back of my mind as we headed for the mall.
Zady was acting perfectly normal, so I was totally over everything in about 2 hours. My mom and I were having a great time at the mall. We had a lovely lunch, and were now having fun in the makup department of Niemans. This is when I learned that earlier that day they had a brunch and a private screening of Sex and The City. I was appaulled!!! I looked at Leo with sadness in my eyes as I said, "what?? Where was my invite???? He gave me a sheepish look and asked me if he should get my mom a champagne as well as me......
I quickly got over it because, I mean really, I could not have gone....I have a baby! Oh well, and plus, we had to take Zady in to get too many shots that morning. Then....dun dun dun!!!!! I was waited for my champagne in the Shoe Salon when my phone rang. There was a woman's voice on the other end of the line that said, "is this Zady's mom?" It was the doctor. She told me that she wanted to call me because it's been bothering her all day. She misread the chart earlier, and was mistaken on her answers to my questions. My heart sank as I walked over to the corner of the shoe salon in the most fabulous pair of Miu Miu platform heels you can imagine. She told me that the shot would not count after all toward her needed vaccinations, and that she would need to get another one at her six month visit. I was fuming!!!
I told her that I was upset before, but that now I was absolutely pissed because she was basically telling me that my four month old baby got a vaccination that she didn't need. I was so mad, and I was not going to just laugh it off and say, "oh okay." She told me that I had every right to be upset, and that she was very sorry. I then went on to tell her that because of this, I am forced to be one of those annoying parents who second guess and ask and make sure about everything their staff does. I don't want to be that mom, but apparently I'm going to have to be. I told her that I go there and put my child's health and wellbeing in their hands because that's there job, and now I'm going to have to be the "internet parent" because of this incident.
I hated it!!! I hated everything about the situation. I hated that the nurse messed up, for my child, and for the nurse. I know that she was busy, but give me a break.....that could have been really bad! Apparently she was reprimanded and management was notified......whatever! It's all just gross. I'm sure it ruined her day, and it made me feel like a bad parent. It made me feel guilty that I didn't have my child's shot records and the shot record reccomendations by the American Board of Pediatrics memorized.
Needless to say, the bird is fine, I gulped down my champagne, and got a great discount on the Tory Burch studded thong sandals that I wanted. Lesson learned.....always be on top of things at the doctor, and know that ultimately you are the one responsible for your child's health.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Getting the Hang of Things
So I will say that I am definitely getting the hang of this whole "mother of two" thing. I am able to successfully navigate the parking lot without anyone getting run over, and I can even take both kids to the Grocery Store and Target. Granted I am limited on what I can put in my basket when the entire carseat is in the basket, but hey, what do you think the bottom is for?? It's not just for dog food ladies and gentlemen. I should warn against putting chicken breast underneath because it can tend to fall through the cracks, and well, it's just no fun to run over with the wheels of the basket......gross!
With that being said, you "non-children" people should know that it's damn hard to keep your almost two year old son from running into the parking lot, and from throwing the vegetables (or his crocs) onto his baby sister as she angelically rides in the big part of the basket. And if you are thinking that I should put Pigpen in the basket part, well I considered that, but then quickly realized hat would be a tragedy waiting to happen. He would either push the Bird's carseat off of the cart while I chose the perfect avocado, or he would throw the perfect avocado out of the basket just as we were headed to the check out. This would all be very fun for him, and for me.....tragedy, so I think we have a good system. I sometimes put her in the baby bjorn as well, but just plopping the carseat in the basket is way easier.
Now that I have the basics down, I just feel like I can do anything! We bought a double stroller, so I can go anywhere!! Have I been to the mall yet with both kids.....hell no! I could do it, but that would be torture for Pigpen....he wants to get out and run, and splash in the fountain, and rub his snotty nose on women's couture, so no, we will not go to the mall in our fabulous new Phil and Ted's Lime green double stroller. I reserve that for days when he is at school, and it can be just us girls. :)
Speaking of stroller, can I just say that when we roll out with our new Lime Green fabulosity, we are the stroller envy of all! My husband and I recently took the train into Boston.....we were so urban. We pushed our two fabulous little angels through Boston Common, Feneul Hall, and down Newbury street. I can't tell you how many looks we got.....looks of amazement from the "non-children" ones, and looks of envy from the "parents". It was remarkable.
So, well, I am getting the hang of things, and thank goodness for that. Everyday I am realizing how easy it was to just have one, but you will never come to that realization until you have two.....it's just crazy. :) It's kind of like not being able to explain how it is indeed different to actually be married rather than just living together, or how you will never understand how your thinking changes once you are a parent. Hard to explain, but you finally get it when it happens. And when it happens....it's Awesome!
With that being said, you "non-children" people should know that it's damn hard to keep your almost two year old son from running into the parking lot, and from throwing the vegetables (or his crocs) onto his baby sister as she angelically rides in the big part of the basket. And if you are thinking that I should put Pigpen in the basket part, well I considered that, but then quickly realized hat would be a tragedy waiting to happen. He would either push the Bird's carseat off of the cart while I chose the perfect avocado, or he would throw the perfect avocado out of the basket just as we were headed to the check out. This would all be very fun for him, and for me.....tragedy, so I think we have a good system. I sometimes put her in the baby bjorn as well, but just plopping the carseat in the basket is way easier.
Now that I have the basics down, I just feel like I can do anything! We bought a double stroller, so I can go anywhere!! Have I been to the mall yet with both kids.....hell no! I could do it, but that would be torture for Pigpen....he wants to get out and run, and splash in the fountain, and rub his snotty nose on women's couture, so no, we will not go to the mall in our fabulous new Phil and Ted's Lime green double stroller. I reserve that for days when he is at school, and it can be just us girls. :)
Speaking of stroller, can I just say that when we roll out with our new Lime Green fabulosity, we are the stroller envy of all! My husband and I recently took the train into Boston.....we were so urban. We pushed our two fabulous little angels through Boston Common, Feneul Hall, and down Newbury street. I can't tell you how many looks we got.....looks of amazement from the "non-children" ones, and looks of envy from the "parents". It was remarkable.
So, well, I am getting the hang of things, and thank goodness for that. Everyday I am realizing how easy it was to just have one, but you will never come to that realization until you have two.....it's just crazy. :) It's kind of like not being able to explain how it is indeed different to actually be married rather than just living together, or how you will never understand how your thinking changes once you are a parent. Hard to explain, but you finally get it when it happens. And when it happens....it's Awesome!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The Aftermath
So, childbirth is definitely hard and gross and painful, and weird, and all that, but nothing is as bad as the aftermath. This is the first night in the hospital with your new little bundle of joy. At least we knew more of what to expect this time since we had one delivery under our belts, but you really don't remember just how shitty it all is.
Things were peachy and great right after of course. My Dad and brother brought me a Schlotszky's sandwich that I wolfed down while watching Ed give Zady the best first bath ever. He flipped her over and washed her hair in a tiny bowl of water with such precision and care.....it was like an artist making a masterpiece. After I ate, Zady ate, and things were good and dandy.....epidural was still rock solid at this point. By the way, during labor, since I had two epidurals, my left side was like a dead person. At one point, I grabbed my leg to push, and appologized to my mom. I thought I was grabbing her arm, but no, it was my own flesh...my own super numbed up, and no bodily controlled flesh......so weird.
Since I was the only one who had a baby that day on the entire floor, we got first class treatment to our recovery room. I was wheeled in the bed with my sweet baby like I was Cleopatra. We waved, we blew kisses, there was a trail of rose petals behind us; they played the baby sound that goes through the entire hospital when a baby is born....it was bliss.
We got to our room; my husband organized all of our crap, I fed the bird, and we turned on the Bachelor. I knew that I needed to pee soon. I remembered that from last time. I remembered the lady telling me that I had to pee or else get a cathader, so I made myself go! This time I wasn't even about to be threatened with that. Things were still going fairly well. My epidural was wearing off, and I finally thought I could get up and go to the bathroom, so we called the nurse since I was under strict instructions to not, and she repeated NOT get up without her. She came in. and helped me to the bathroom. I was walking, barely, with a slight uncontrollabe bounce in my knees. I probably wasnt quite ready to walk, but we had already made it halfway. This is when the "unfortunates" start. Here you are, in that nasty hospital gown about to sit on a toilet fitted with a bucket to catch your pee. I sat down and heard a someone peeing.....oh, it was me. I asked the nurse, "am I peeing", and she looked at me like, you poor stupid thing of course you are peeing....who do you think that is? I'm sure that's what she wanted to say, but she just smiled and nodded.
You have to pee in the bucket for the first 3 times so they can regulate your fluids. This is always a surprise to your husband who goes into the bathroom, and almost pees in the bucket before deciding to just use the one down the hall......heaven forbid you touch that thing, or anything else in there for that matter because the bathroom is outfitted with the "pee bucket", and a little cart full of maxi pads, mesh undies, epifoam, tucks pads, antiseptic crotch spray, and frozen infant diapers that act as crotch ice packs. All very sexy things, and very fun for guys to see. I'm sure I looked so fab in the mesh panties while scooting to the bathroom with my hospital gown open in the back.
If you're modest, don't have a baby because in the hospital you will have strangers, looking at your butt, touching your boobs and helping you shove them in your newborn's sweet little mouth. I met one of my nurses while I was sitting on the toilet taking a sitzbath. I was a vision I'm sure with my hospital gown hoisted up around my shoulders as I sat there with my chin resting in my hand held up by my elbow on the handicap "oh shit" bar. Those poor nurses see you at your worst, and I mean WORST!
After the first sleepless night, you have a visit from the pediatrician on call, and I just knew that it would most likely be one of the hot guy pediatricians that I used to call on when I was a pharmaceutical rep. I knew that there was really no way that I was going to be visited by one of the weird agoraphobic trolls that I called on, and boy was I right! Thank goodness I got myself up and was able to brush my teeth and at least wash my face and put on some lipgloss before we were visited. I had just got back into bed when we heard a knock on the door, and in walked Dr. Hotass Booker. I knew it!!!!!
He took one look at me, and said, "hey, I know you!". I smiled and said hello. He check out Zady and had only wonderful things to say about her. This was great about Zady, but even more stressful for me because I had to make sure that I wasn't nursing the bird next time he walked in to check her.....I would die!!!
Yes, you have nurses looking at your hooha, and then the doctor comes in to see the aftermath at one point...it's just all so gross! And it's not easy looking cute for your big walk to the car with your new baby girl. It's not easy to walk like you don't have a giant maxipad on, and maybe one of those giant ice packs too! Here's my one pearl of wisdom for the hospital exit....take everything you can get your hands on! Take the diapers, the cloths, a baby blanket, those fabu mesh undies, pads, foam.....take it all, and ask for more for the road if you can. You will thank yourself when you get home!
Things were peachy and great right after of course. My Dad and brother brought me a Schlotszky's sandwich that I wolfed down while watching Ed give Zady the best first bath ever. He flipped her over and washed her hair in a tiny bowl of water with such precision and care.....it was like an artist making a masterpiece. After I ate, Zady ate, and things were good and dandy.....epidural was still rock solid at this point. By the way, during labor, since I had two epidurals, my left side was like a dead person. At one point, I grabbed my leg to push, and appologized to my mom. I thought I was grabbing her arm, but no, it was my own flesh...my own super numbed up, and no bodily controlled flesh......so weird.
Since I was the only one who had a baby that day on the entire floor, we got first class treatment to our recovery room. I was wheeled in the bed with my sweet baby like I was Cleopatra. We waved, we blew kisses, there was a trail of rose petals behind us; they played the baby sound that goes through the entire hospital when a baby is born....it was bliss.
We got to our room; my husband organized all of our crap, I fed the bird, and we turned on the Bachelor. I knew that I needed to pee soon. I remembered that from last time. I remembered the lady telling me that I had to pee or else get a cathader, so I made myself go! This time I wasn't even about to be threatened with that. Things were still going fairly well. My epidural was wearing off, and I finally thought I could get up and go to the bathroom, so we called the nurse since I was under strict instructions to not, and she repeated NOT get up without her. She came in. and helped me to the bathroom. I was walking, barely, with a slight uncontrollabe bounce in my knees. I probably wasnt quite ready to walk, but we had already made it halfway. This is when the "unfortunates" start. Here you are, in that nasty hospital gown about to sit on a toilet fitted with a bucket to catch your pee. I sat down and heard a someone peeing.....oh, it was me. I asked the nurse, "am I peeing", and she looked at me like, you poor stupid thing of course you are peeing....who do you think that is? I'm sure that's what she wanted to say, but she just smiled and nodded.
You have to pee in the bucket for the first 3 times so they can regulate your fluids. This is always a surprise to your husband who goes into the bathroom, and almost pees in the bucket before deciding to just use the one down the hall......heaven forbid you touch that thing, or anything else in there for that matter because the bathroom is outfitted with the "pee bucket", and a little cart full of maxi pads, mesh undies, epifoam, tucks pads, antiseptic crotch spray, and frozen infant diapers that act as crotch ice packs. All very sexy things, and very fun for guys to see. I'm sure I looked so fab in the mesh panties while scooting to the bathroom with my hospital gown open in the back.
If you're modest, don't have a baby because in the hospital you will have strangers, looking at your butt, touching your boobs and helping you shove them in your newborn's sweet little mouth. I met one of my nurses while I was sitting on the toilet taking a sitzbath. I was a vision I'm sure with my hospital gown hoisted up around my shoulders as I sat there with my chin resting in my hand held up by my elbow on the handicap "oh shit" bar. Those poor nurses see you at your worst, and I mean WORST!
After the first sleepless night, you have a visit from the pediatrician on call, and I just knew that it would most likely be one of the hot guy pediatricians that I used to call on when I was a pharmaceutical rep. I knew that there was really no way that I was going to be visited by one of the weird agoraphobic trolls that I called on, and boy was I right! Thank goodness I got myself up and was able to brush my teeth and at least wash my face and put on some lipgloss before we were visited. I had just got back into bed when we heard a knock on the door, and in walked Dr. Hotass Booker. I knew it!!!!!
He took one look at me, and said, "hey, I know you!". I smiled and said hello. He check out Zady and had only wonderful things to say about her. This was great about Zady, but even more stressful for me because I had to make sure that I wasn't nursing the bird next time he walked in to check her.....I would die!!!
Yes, you have nurses looking at your hooha, and then the doctor comes in to see the aftermath at one point...it's just all so gross! And it's not easy looking cute for your big walk to the car with your new baby girl. It's not easy to walk like you don't have a giant maxipad on, and maybe one of those giant ice packs too! Here's my one pearl of wisdom for the hospital exit....take everything you can get your hands on! Take the diapers, the cloths, a baby blanket, those fabu mesh undies, pads, foam.....take it all, and ask for more for the road if you can. You will thank yourself when you get home!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Special Delivery II
So after the huge fart, my parents showed up, and that was the first thing that came out of my mouth......no I didn't fart out of my mouth, but I felt compelled to tell them of my embarrassment. My dad's response was, "was it a good one?" My husband laughed, and my mom tried to look shocked and embarrassed as to say that we don't usually do that. Well, if you know me, you know that we usually do, but I wasn't feeling close enough to my male nurse for him to know that yet.
Anyway, so my dad did ask if I was sure that it wasn't my phone that farted.......hmmmmm......why didn't I think of that!? I downloaded the Atomic Fart app onto my IPhone as soon as I walked out of the AT&T store, so I totally could have blamed it on that. Dammit! I showed Ed the app, and he thought it was great! We decided to play a trick on my straight laced doctor when he came in to check my cervix. If I remember correctly we pulled the "Sleeper" out for him. He tried to act like he didn't hear it, but then knew something was up when Ed and I were dying laughing! Surprisingly he had the same app on his IPhone, and was prepared to retaliate, but his wouldn't pull up. :)
After that, it was time to mess with the anesthesiologist. My contractions were getting to the unbearable point, and my husband reminded me that pain was not necessary, and Ed reminded me that it would take about 30 minuted for the Anesthesiologist to get to our floor with all of his stuff. I decided to cave and ask for the deadening. Supposedly this guy was a real jokster, and would love some fart noises, so we made a plan! I was up for anything that would take my mind off of the pain that had now moved up on the pain scale to a level 8. He strolled in with his "cart o drugs", and asked me if I had ever had an epidural before....that's when I gave him the sleeper. It was perfection! I did it right when he told me to lean forward.......it was sooo loud and awesome! He stopped dead in his tracks, and then we couldn't help it....we died laughing! He loved it! In fact, he thought it was so funny, he told some funny story the entire time he was giving me my epidural. I remember last time the man was very quiet and serious, and told me things like, "now you will feel a little sting, and some burning, and now a cold rush." This guys, well, he just told jokes. I don't remember any of them because I was having contractions that I could still feel at this point.
I love it when it's time to get your epidural, and it's imperative that you stay absolutely still when they are inserting the giant needle on top of your spinal cord. This is always so easy to do when you are having a terrible level 8 contraction that makes you want to shit twice and die. Thank goodness Ed was there to hold me like a straight jacket as he pushed my shoulders down and helped me round out my back for the massive injection.
After that, they had me lay on my side and wait for the drugs to do their thing. This was when my parents and my brother stepped out for some lunch. I tried to take a nap, but I could still feel everything on my right side.....left side, not so much, but right side......sucked! Ed had me turn over on my other side in hopes that this would redirect the drugs into the right side of my body.....so I laid there......in pain......it didn't work. This was when things got a little scary. Zady's heart rate was dropping way too low during every contraction. I knew it was serious when Dr. B showed up in my room trying to act like he wasn't short of breath from the long sprint through the hospital. They didn't tell me much, they just made me put on an oxygen mask and concentrate on my breathing. Ed also thought it was a good idea to have be sit up. I was much more comfortable that way, and Zady was much happier that way too. Her heart rate was still dropping a bit, but not quite as much.
After the adornment of the mask, they checked me out and decided that I could push soon. That's when Ed gave me the "choice". Wiggle the needle in my back in hopes of redirecting some of the drug into the right side, push, or have the anesthesiologist come back and give me epidural number two. I decided to try the wiggle, and it didn't work, so we had the dude come back for a drug repair. The jokester was gone by this point, so we had a newer, younger guy come in who was much more serious. He did say, as soon as he walked in, "I heard about you!" He was fully prepared to get messed with, but I was kind of in no mood since I was having an easy labor only on one side of my body.
He had me sit up, and we tried the whole thing again. He was really nice, and totally prepared to give the first guy some shit for messing up my epidural. He said, "you are in good shape, and you aren't 300 pounds, so there is no excuse for the first one to not work." Apparently the first guy was "the epidural man" who never messes up, and looks down on those who do, so he was going to get it for sure from everyone.
So, after my second epidural, I was finally ready to push. Ed sat me up as high as he could and told me to get my game face on. Right as we started the first push Salt and Pepper's Ah Push It started on my Ipod. It was perfection! I pushed about three times before they put my legs in the leg canals and called in the "welder", I mean, Doctor. He totally looked like a welder with his full face clear welding mask. It's enough to make a poor girl think she's going to explode and the baby is going to shoot out across the room with the placenta in tow......okay, that was really gross, but so true.
I pushed two more times, and there she was! I didn't even have time to break a sweat! She was so beautiful and fabulous! She weighed 7pds 15oz, and she was 20 inches long. Her head was nice and round, and she didn't even look that much like an ugly alien newborn. I loved every second of her when they handed her to me. Ahhhhh, childbirth......how blissful! Huh!
And thus starts the aftermath.........
Anyway, so my dad did ask if I was sure that it wasn't my phone that farted.......hmmmmm......why didn't I think of that!? I downloaded the Atomic Fart app onto my IPhone as soon as I walked out of the AT&T store, so I totally could have blamed it on that. Dammit! I showed Ed the app, and he thought it was great! We decided to play a trick on my straight laced doctor when he came in to check my cervix. If I remember correctly we pulled the "Sleeper" out for him. He tried to act like he didn't hear it, but then knew something was up when Ed and I were dying laughing! Surprisingly he had the same app on his IPhone, and was prepared to retaliate, but his wouldn't pull up. :)
After that, it was time to mess with the anesthesiologist. My contractions were getting to the unbearable point, and my husband reminded me that pain was not necessary, and Ed reminded me that it would take about 30 minuted for the Anesthesiologist to get to our floor with all of his stuff. I decided to cave and ask for the deadening. Supposedly this guy was a real jokster, and would love some fart noises, so we made a plan! I was up for anything that would take my mind off of the pain that had now moved up on the pain scale to a level 8. He strolled in with his "cart o drugs", and asked me if I had ever had an epidural before....that's when I gave him the sleeper. It was perfection! I did it right when he told me to lean forward.......it was sooo loud and awesome! He stopped dead in his tracks, and then we couldn't help it....we died laughing! He loved it! In fact, he thought it was so funny, he told some funny story the entire time he was giving me my epidural. I remember last time the man was very quiet and serious, and told me things like, "now you will feel a little sting, and some burning, and now a cold rush." This guys, well, he just told jokes. I don't remember any of them because I was having contractions that I could still feel at this point.
I love it when it's time to get your epidural, and it's imperative that you stay absolutely still when they are inserting the giant needle on top of your spinal cord. This is always so easy to do when you are having a terrible level 8 contraction that makes you want to shit twice and die. Thank goodness Ed was there to hold me like a straight jacket as he pushed my shoulders down and helped me round out my back for the massive injection.
After that, they had me lay on my side and wait for the drugs to do their thing. This was when my parents and my brother stepped out for some lunch. I tried to take a nap, but I could still feel everything on my right side.....left side, not so much, but right side......sucked! Ed had me turn over on my other side in hopes that this would redirect the drugs into the right side of my body.....so I laid there......in pain......it didn't work. This was when things got a little scary. Zady's heart rate was dropping way too low during every contraction. I knew it was serious when Dr. B showed up in my room trying to act like he wasn't short of breath from the long sprint through the hospital. They didn't tell me much, they just made me put on an oxygen mask and concentrate on my breathing. Ed also thought it was a good idea to have be sit up. I was much more comfortable that way, and Zady was much happier that way too. Her heart rate was still dropping a bit, but not quite as much.
After the adornment of the mask, they checked me out and decided that I could push soon. That's when Ed gave me the "choice". Wiggle the needle in my back in hopes of redirecting some of the drug into the right side, push, or have the anesthesiologist come back and give me epidural number two. I decided to try the wiggle, and it didn't work, so we had the dude come back for a drug repair. The jokester was gone by this point, so we had a newer, younger guy come in who was much more serious. He did say, as soon as he walked in, "I heard about you!" He was fully prepared to get messed with, but I was kind of in no mood since I was having an easy labor only on one side of my body.
He had me sit up, and we tried the whole thing again. He was really nice, and totally prepared to give the first guy some shit for messing up my epidural. He said, "you are in good shape, and you aren't 300 pounds, so there is no excuse for the first one to not work." Apparently the first guy was "the epidural man" who never messes up, and looks down on those who do, so he was going to get it for sure from everyone.
So, after my second epidural, I was finally ready to push. Ed sat me up as high as he could and told me to get my game face on. Right as we started the first push Salt and Pepper's Ah Push It started on my Ipod. It was perfection! I pushed about three times before they put my legs in the leg canals and called in the "welder", I mean, Doctor. He totally looked like a welder with his full face clear welding mask. It's enough to make a poor girl think she's going to explode and the baby is going to shoot out across the room with the placenta in tow......okay, that was really gross, but so true.
I pushed two more times, and there she was! I didn't even have time to break a sweat! She was so beautiful and fabulous! She weighed 7pds 15oz, and she was 20 inches long. Her head was nice and round, and she didn't even look that much like an ugly alien newborn. I loved every second of her when they handed her to me. Ahhhhh, childbirth......how blissful! Huh!
And thus starts the aftermath.........
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Special Delivery
Hi everyone! I'm back! It's Sunday night, and I had the beautifully fabulous Zady Wren on Monday at 3:26 in the afternoon. That's right; the delivery was fast and furious, and everything that I hoped for. It all started with a fabulous dinner at my favorite restaurant, Uchi. It's a swanky sushi bar in Austin that is always crowded and always delicious. I strolled in dressed in my fab coat with my beautiful little Chanel bag over my shoulder ready to eat sushi and champagne. We sat at the sushi bar and ordered tons of wonderful rolls from Justin the sushi maker. I had a glass of my favorite bubbly, and was glad that my back was turned to most of the restaurant patrons since I was obviously pregnant in the sushi bar drinking a glass of champagne. I did feel like I was getting the stink eye from people, but really in truly the patrons in that establishment would most likely champion my last meal.
After that we headed to Georgetown to spend the night with my Aunt and Uncle. I got some pretty good sleep on their tempurpedic mattress, and woke up to an exciting day. There was only one hiccup in the morning. My aunt told me that she usually eats cereal over plain oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast.....sounds yum, so I totally looked forward to it. I woke up, got dressed: makeup, hair, cute outfit, and then headed to the kitchen where I was met with the explosive diarrhea breakfast of champions. The cereal was Fiber One, the yogurt was Activia, and the blueberries, well......those were the only non "help you shit" food in that concoction. I smiled and thought, oh well, I guess I won't be the first. I've never had Activia before, and I don't need to eat Fiber One, so I was a bit concerned, and wondered if I should warn my nurse of the impending explosion that could take place. Hmmmm.
We got the hospital and were checked in by the two nicest ladies in the world. Their excitement was palpable, and it was like it was jumping off of them and landing on me. By the time we got up to the Delivery Floor I was like a giddy little girl, well, a giddy big girl. We walked by the desk and were greeted with a friendly familiar smile. It was Ed, the man that we requested to deliver Pigpen. He did our hospital tour over a year ago, and we really loved him. As we walked past him, I thought to myself, "I would be the luckiest girl in the world if I could have him as my nurse." I figured it was definitely not going to happen, and that some other lucky girl had already snatched him up. An Asian lady greeted us as we we emerged from the security door, and motioned us into our room like an tour guide from Disney. She mumbled something in broken English, and I thought, "oh good Lord please don't give me a nurse that I can't understand." The Lord heard me and in popped Ed. She introduced him like he was a celebrity in labor and delivery, and we were both sooooo happy.
We took a few funny photos as our excitement levels grew and grew....Ed came in the room when I was laid out on the windowsill in a sitting position, with legs out, one knee up, arms behind my back supporting me, just like my 8th grade basketball picture. He laughed and insisted on taking a photo of the two of us before I had to change into the fabulous designer hospital gown. Once you put on that gown you start to realize the heaviness of the situation, and the reality of the task at hand. That's when it really starts to set in that you have to push a small child out of your hooha.
So, I was laying in the bed answering some questions about my medical history and general info.......no IV yet, no drugs, no excuses. I say no excuses because I was laying there and answering questions when one of the loudest most horrible farts slipped out with no warning. My eyes grew big, my heart beat kicked up a few notches, and I could feel my face growing hotter and hotter. I couldn't ignore it, and neither could he! It was so ridiculously loud! I looked at him with my wide eyed red face and said, "holy crap! Excuse me......that was terrible." He said, "don't worry, it happens all the time." I responded with a, "yeah, but not to me....I don't usually just fart in public like an 80 year old man." I was absolutely mortified.......I was laughing and my eyes were welling up with tears as the embarrassment and hilarity of the situation set in. That really set the tone for the day..........the giant loud fart!!!!
After that we headed to Georgetown to spend the night with my Aunt and Uncle. I got some pretty good sleep on their tempurpedic mattress, and woke up to an exciting day. There was only one hiccup in the morning. My aunt told me that she usually eats cereal over plain oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast.....sounds yum, so I totally looked forward to it. I woke up, got dressed: makeup, hair, cute outfit, and then headed to the kitchen where I was met with the explosive diarrhea breakfast of champions. The cereal was Fiber One, the yogurt was Activia, and the blueberries, well......those were the only non "help you shit" food in that concoction. I smiled and thought, oh well, I guess I won't be the first. I've never had Activia before, and I don't need to eat Fiber One, so I was a bit concerned, and wondered if I should warn my nurse of the impending explosion that could take place. Hmmmm.
We got the hospital and were checked in by the two nicest ladies in the world. Their excitement was palpable, and it was like it was jumping off of them and landing on me. By the time we got up to the Delivery Floor I was like a giddy little girl, well, a giddy big girl. We walked by the desk and were greeted with a friendly familiar smile. It was Ed, the man that we requested to deliver Pigpen. He did our hospital tour over a year ago, and we really loved him. As we walked past him, I thought to myself, "I would be the luckiest girl in the world if I could have him as my nurse." I figured it was definitely not going to happen, and that some other lucky girl had already snatched him up. An Asian lady greeted us as we we emerged from the security door, and motioned us into our room like an tour guide from Disney. She mumbled something in broken English, and I thought, "oh good Lord please don't give me a nurse that I can't understand." The Lord heard me and in popped Ed. She introduced him like he was a celebrity in labor and delivery, and we were both sooooo happy.
We took a few funny photos as our excitement levels grew and grew....Ed came in the room when I was laid out on the windowsill in a sitting position, with legs out, one knee up, arms behind my back supporting me, just like my 8th grade basketball picture. He laughed and insisted on taking a photo of the two of us before I had to change into the fabulous designer hospital gown. Once you put on that gown you start to realize the heaviness of the situation, and the reality of the task at hand. That's when it really starts to set in that you have to push a small child out of your hooha.
So, I was laying in the bed answering some questions about my medical history and general info.......no IV yet, no drugs, no excuses. I say no excuses because I was laying there and answering questions when one of the loudest most horrible farts slipped out with no warning. My eyes grew big, my heart beat kicked up a few notches, and I could feel my face growing hotter and hotter. I couldn't ignore it, and neither could he! It was so ridiculously loud! I looked at him with my wide eyed red face and said, "holy crap! Excuse me......that was terrible." He said, "don't worry, it happens all the time." I responded with a, "yeah, but not to me....I don't usually just fart in public like an 80 year old man." I was absolutely mortified.......I was laughing and my eyes were welling up with tears as the embarrassment and hilarity of the situation set in. That really set the tone for the day..........the giant loud fart!!!!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Delivery Anxiety
So we are about to head to Austin for the Delivery. I just took a shower and put on the best costume for the day. I have on my really cute black sleeveless shirt from Destination Maternity. It has ruched sides and a ruffle collar that sticks up ever so fabulously. With that I have on my favorite maternity jeans, some turquoise Betsey Johnson socks, suede Ugg high heel clogs, and over it all I have my super chic Cadeau Brocade long maternity jacket; it is cream and gold, and so fab. Of course I will wear my rabbit fur scarf and off white lambskin Chanel wallet on a chain over top with my new plastic tortoise shell Ray Ban Aviators.
Don't worry, I'm not wearing this to the hospital. My husband and I are going up to Austin the night before the delivery to eat at Uchi and stay with my Aunt and Uncle in Georgetown. I'm just waiting for him to get out of the shower and then we are off on our journey. I did pack my bags, and I decided on one Ellen Tracy gown, a cozy robe, some fuzzy cozy socks, flip flops for the shower, a regular tank, a nursing tank, and one more PJ set. We will see if I actually wear any of that.
My arrival and departure outfit is about the same. Black Fila pants that are soooo comfy yet tight and flattering, Rose colored Michael Stars long sleeve T, and a cute black pleated trapeze jacket with a hood. My departure outfit is the same, but I plan on changing the shirt to a gray long sleeve Michael Stars that is a little more flowy. My rabbit fur Mukluk boots will be the footwear of choice. Hopefully Zady and I will walk out of there with our heads held high......well, mine will be held high, and hers will be supported by my left upper arm as we ride in the wheel chair down to the drop off area. High hopes folks....high hopes.
I guess right now I am sitting in my roller coaster car at the very tip top of the ride. I'm excited; I want to cry for no reason at all; I'm not wanting to leave Pigpen for three days; I'm trying not to think of pushing her out of my hooha. So many things are going through my head right now. This is why I have to concentrate on the costumes of the day. This helps with the anxiety. The anxiety of the unknown. I haven't been walking because I want her to come on Monday so my doctor can be there, but I can't help to wonder if I'm going to kick my ass when I get there tomorrow, and they tell me that I am still at 1cm. I wish I could check, but yeah right....not going there! I just hope everything goes smoothly and wonderfully.
I made a playlist for the day, but my best friend isn't going to be there. I am super bummed about that. We tried our hardest, but it just didn't work out....she is coming next weekend though. Last time she was the reason it was fun. We danced....well she danced, and I bobbed my head since I was numb from the waist down. We sang, we rapped, we laughed, and she coached me through the entire thing. She is going to start doing that for a living since she is so good at it. We will try and Skype, but it won't be the same.
My sweet husband called her yesterday for some pointers, but I don't even think he knows the words to "Push It" by Salt n Peppa, and well his dancing ability, let's just say......well......nothing. My friend Sara sent me a message of encouragement, and told me that I'm about to learn how to cook, pee, and walk around while I breastfeed this time since I have a 20 month old that is bound and determined to get into everything. I never walked around last time I nursed. Speaking of nursing.....I would like to apologize right now to my poor little nipples. They really have no idea, and I'm sure they have blocked it all out of both of their little minds. The Parana biting sessions of nursing past that is. They are about to get a rude rude awakening, and for that, I feel terrible. I would also like to apologize to my nether regions for whatever takes place tomorrow, and then I would lastly like to apologize to my sweet husband for having to see that and still love me as much as he did when we first met.
Oh the anxiety of the unknown......keep positive though. Tomorrow I am going in with a positive, no nonsense, get her done, kind of attitude. Game face will be on, and baby will come fast and fabulous. That is the plan!
Don't worry, I'm not wearing this to the hospital. My husband and I are going up to Austin the night before the delivery to eat at Uchi and stay with my Aunt and Uncle in Georgetown. I'm just waiting for him to get out of the shower and then we are off on our journey. I did pack my bags, and I decided on one Ellen Tracy gown, a cozy robe, some fuzzy cozy socks, flip flops for the shower, a regular tank, a nursing tank, and one more PJ set. We will see if I actually wear any of that.
My arrival and departure outfit is about the same. Black Fila pants that are soooo comfy yet tight and flattering, Rose colored Michael Stars long sleeve T, and a cute black pleated trapeze jacket with a hood. My departure outfit is the same, but I plan on changing the shirt to a gray long sleeve Michael Stars that is a little more flowy. My rabbit fur Mukluk boots will be the footwear of choice. Hopefully Zady and I will walk out of there with our heads held high......well, mine will be held high, and hers will be supported by my left upper arm as we ride in the wheel chair down to the drop off area. High hopes folks....high hopes.
I guess right now I am sitting in my roller coaster car at the very tip top of the ride. I'm excited; I want to cry for no reason at all; I'm not wanting to leave Pigpen for three days; I'm trying not to think of pushing her out of my hooha. So many things are going through my head right now. This is why I have to concentrate on the costumes of the day. This helps with the anxiety. The anxiety of the unknown. I haven't been walking because I want her to come on Monday so my doctor can be there, but I can't help to wonder if I'm going to kick my ass when I get there tomorrow, and they tell me that I am still at 1cm. I wish I could check, but yeah right....not going there! I just hope everything goes smoothly and wonderfully.
I made a playlist for the day, but my best friend isn't going to be there. I am super bummed about that. We tried our hardest, but it just didn't work out....she is coming next weekend though. Last time she was the reason it was fun. We danced....well she danced, and I bobbed my head since I was numb from the waist down. We sang, we rapped, we laughed, and she coached me through the entire thing. She is going to start doing that for a living since she is so good at it. We will try and Skype, but it won't be the same.
My sweet husband called her yesterday for some pointers, but I don't even think he knows the words to "Push It" by Salt n Peppa, and well his dancing ability, let's just say......well......nothing. My friend Sara sent me a message of encouragement, and told me that I'm about to learn how to cook, pee, and walk around while I breastfeed this time since I have a 20 month old that is bound and determined to get into everything. I never walked around last time I nursed. Speaking of nursing.....I would like to apologize right now to my poor little nipples. They really have no idea, and I'm sure they have blocked it all out of both of their little minds. The Parana biting sessions of nursing past that is. They are about to get a rude rude awakening, and for that, I feel terrible. I would also like to apologize to my nether regions for whatever takes place tomorrow, and then I would lastly like to apologize to my sweet husband for having to see that and still love me as much as he did when we first met.
Oh the anxiety of the unknown......keep positive though. Tomorrow I am going in with a positive, no nonsense, get her done, kind of attitude. Game face will be on, and baby will come fast and fabulous. That is the plan!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Packing the Bag
This has been looming over me for about a week and a half now. Dr. B told me that it is a good idea that I pack a bag for the hospital since I'm 1 centimeter dilated. How big is a centimeter anyway? I stayed at 2 centimeters for about 3 weeks last time, so who really knows. I do need to pack up my never full bag though. So here's the question......what the hell do I need?
I remember last time I packed up my shiny new Chanel diaper bag with so many unnecessary baby essentials. I think there was even a bottle in it.....how stupid! I also brought several outfits to wear in bed as I greeted all of my visitors. I had a cute new robe from Anthropologie, some fabulous little PJ pants embellished with coral flowers, also from Anthro, and so many other cute yet cozy tops to wear. Did I put one of them on? Hell no! I stayed in that hideous hospital gown the whole time. I loved it because I could shimmy my sore ass into the bathroom with no shoes on......the cute fluffy spa flip flops I brought were always on the wrong side of the bed when I had to go, so I was in a "fuck it" mood.....planters warts smanters warts....I could give a shit.
Anyway, I would shimmy into the nasty hospital potty and start the process. I would untie the nasty gown that some scank probably wore a week ago, then I would twirl it up and hoist it up around my neck like a scarf, then I would attempt to hover, then just give up, but it was great.....my neck was kept warm, and nothing had to touch the nasty floor except of course for my bare feet. I was in a fog the first night and the next day. I did shower and fix myself up, but I decided that I would stay in the mesh underwear and hospital gown for the duration.
It's hard when your world has been turned upside down. I had to push something way too big out of something way too small, and then I had my poor precious funbags attacked by a baby parana all whilst staying in a weird room that looked like a sad excuse for a Drury Inn. No sleep, no clue, no nursery.....it was crazy! Thus, I had way too many things that I didn't even use! I remember that my friend Amy brought me a cozy blanket...that was the best thing ever. The hospital room, though big and private was....well......a hospital room that had been updated years ago. The sheets were not Egyptian cotton, so the blanket was a Godsend. I liked having my robe to cover up the back of my fabulous hospital gown, and I liked having my own pillows.
Thus, what should go in the bag? So far I have a pair of flip flops, 3 Odwalla bars, some Medela Nipple cream, a sample of L'Occitane super rich moisturizer, a pair of socks, and a stupid moist towelette by Prada that I got for free, oh and I think there is a hotwheels or two in there from Pigpen. That doesn't sound like good planning does it?
I remember last time I packed up my shiny new Chanel diaper bag with so many unnecessary baby essentials. I think there was even a bottle in it.....how stupid! I also brought several outfits to wear in bed as I greeted all of my visitors. I had a cute new robe from Anthropologie, some fabulous little PJ pants embellished with coral flowers, also from Anthro, and so many other cute yet cozy tops to wear. Did I put one of them on? Hell no! I stayed in that hideous hospital gown the whole time. I loved it because I could shimmy my sore ass into the bathroom with no shoes on......the cute fluffy spa flip flops I brought were always on the wrong side of the bed when I had to go, so I was in a "fuck it" mood.....planters warts smanters warts....I could give a shit.
Anyway, I would shimmy into the nasty hospital potty and start the process. I would untie the nasty gown that some scank probably wore a week ago, then I would twirl it up and hoist it up around my neck like a scarf, then I would attempt to hover, then just give up, but it was great.....my neck was kept warm, and nothing had to touch the nasty floor except of course for my bare feet. I was in a fog the first night and the next day. I did shower and fix myself up, but I decided that I would stay in the mesh underwear and hospital gown for the duration.
It's hard when your world has been turned upside down. I had to push something way too big out of something way too small, and then I had my poor precious funbags attacked by a baby parana all whilst staying in a weird room that looked like a sad excuse for a Drury Inn. No sleep, no clue, no nursery.....it was crazy! Thus, I had way too many things that I didn't even use! I remember that my friend Amy brought me a cozy blanket...that was the best thing ever. The hospital room, though big and private was....well......a hospital room that had been updated years ago. The sheets were not Egyptian cotton, so the blanket was a Godsend. I liked having my robe to cover up the back of my fabulous hospital gown, and I liked having my own pillows.
Thus, what should go in the bag? So far I have a pair of flip flops, 3 Odwalla bars, some Medela Nipple cream, a sample of L'Occitane super rich moisturizer, a pair of socks, and a stupid moist towelette by Prada that I got for free, oh and I think there is a hotwheels or two in there from Pigpen. That doesn't sound like good planning does it?
Waste Not Want Not
Who said that anyway? What does it mean exactly? Are they really suggesting that you should never get anything new until your old thing runs out? If that's the case then my sweet little Zady Wren will be wearing PJ's with dump trucks on them. How traumatizing! I will say; it's not easy being a "green" fashionista. I try to not bring too many things into my house without taking some things out. Okay, that is mostly a steaming crock of poo, if I'm being totally honest, and well, it never really is "totally" is it? I will say that our little cabin in the woods is not palatial by any means, so by that, I am forced to be conservative.
I did find a nice resale shop in Boston that will take my clothes and sell them to others who will love them just as I did. Good bye white leather hobo bag by Coach that I bought in Chicago on the Magical Mile (or whatever the hell it's called). So long red furry Kate Spade that came from Saks several years ago....I know you had fabulous leopard lining, and you were very classy Jackie O looking, but bottom line is, you were just too itchy under the arm to stand, so someone else will love you just as I did....hopefully more. Note to self....call Resale shop about my check. I probably made $16. Always hope for the worst, that way, when it's really a check for $24.67 you can kick your Louboutin flats up in excitement!
You may wonder, what the hell I'm talking about? How did this come about? Well, I'll tell you! I want a damn IPhone so bad that I just can't stand it anymore!!!! I am about to have a baby in 9 days, and there is a nursing app, and a diapering app, and so many other apps that will make my new baby girl experience so much easier. I need it! I haven't bought it yet because I don't want my husband to think I am a spoiled brat that just needs more and more and more. We bought our Blackberry Pearls at the same time, but the back is falling off of mine, and there are several missing pieces....it, is an embarrassment to my new, just got for Christmas, white quilted Chanel wallet on a chain. My poor phone used to have a rubberized cover on it, but Pigpen managed to hide that somewhere in our house. I turned that damn place upside down to find it, but was not successful. This was back when he could only say, "car", so there was no sense in asking him where he put it. I'm sure I'll find it one day in a pair of boots or something.
Still, I want an IPhone!!! Did you know there is an app called IFart? It has 19 different fart noises to play at your leisure and literally laugh your ass off. I need that! My ass has grown considerably with this pregnancy, so not only will the IPhone help me keep track of my newborn's nursing schedule, it will help me get my small ass back.....booya! What more could he want. With a helpful mechanical friend to get me through the newborn fog of being a mom, and a smaller ass.....I will be way less bitchy. Oh, I hope he's reading this. If he is....maybe he will drive to the AT&T store right now and get me that damn phone!
You see, I can't ask him for it since I got the military style jacket that I wanted from Anthropologie for Christmas, and then there is the ever coveted, wanted it for at least a year now, tried to figure out several ways to weasel it out of him, White Lambskin Chanel Wallet on a Chain with the pewter chain strap and 255 closure. I love it beyond words!!! Don't tell him I am still obsessing over the Turquoise and gold Virgin Saints and Angels Rosary Necklace at Ella Blue, or the Judith Ripka evil eye bracelet, or the quatrafoil gold Tiffany key with the 30 inch chain. I should be happy with the Chanel bag and never want anything else for at least a year right? According to men that doesn't sound absolutely absurd, but to the true Fashionistas, we know that is just as hard as walking over a bed of hot coals with no Prada Flats to shield our sweet pedicured tootsies from the fire!
I did find a nice resale shop in Boston that will take my clothes and sell them to others who will love them just as I did. Good bye white leather hobo bag by Coach that I bought in Chicago on the Magical Mile (or whatever the hell it's called). So long red furry Kate Spade that came from Saks several years ago....I know you had fabulous leopard lining, and you were very classy Jackie O looking, but bottom line is, you were just too itchy under the arm to stand, so someone else will love you just as I did....hopefully more. Note to self....call Resale shop about my check. I probably made $16. Always hope for the worst, that way, when it's really a check for $24.67 you can kick your Louboutin flats up in excitement!
You may wonder, what the hell I'm talking about? How did this come about? Well, I'll tell you! I want a damn IPhone so bad that I just can't stand it anymore!!!! I am about to have a baby in 9 days, and there is a nursing app, and a diapering app, and so many other apps that will make my new baby girl experience so much easier. I need it! I haven't bought it yet because I don't want my husband to think I am a spoiled brat that just needs more and more and more. We bought our Blackberry Pearls at the same time, but the back is falling off of mine, and there are several missing pieces....it, is an embarrassment to my new, just got for Christmas, white quilted Chanel wallet on a chain. My poor phone used to have a rubberized cover on it, but Pigpen managed to hide that somewhere in our house. I turned that damn place upside down to find it, but was not successful. This was back when he could only say, "car", so there was no sense in asking him where he put it. I'm sure I'll find it one day in a pair of boots or something.
Still, I want an IPhone!!! Did you know there is an app called IFart? It has 19 different fart noises to play at your leisure and literally laugh your ass off. I need that! My ass has grown considerably with this pregnancy, so not only will the IPhone help me keep track of my newborn's nursing schedule, it will help me get my small ass back.....booya! What more could he want. With a helpful mechanical friend to get me through the newborn fog of being a mom, and a smaller ass.....I will be way less bitchy. Oh, I hope he's reading this. If he is....maybe he will drive to the AT&T store right now and get me that damn phone!
You see, I can't ask him for it since I got the military style jacket that I wanted from Anthropologie for Christmas, and then there is the ever coveted, wanted it for at least a year now, tried to figure out several ways to weasel it out of him, White Lambskin Chanel Wallet on a Chain with the pewter chain strap and 255 closure. I love it beyond words!!! Don't tell him I am still obsessing over the Turquoise and gold Virgin Saints and Angels Rosary Necklace at Ella Blue, or the Judith Ripka evil eye bracelet, or the quatrafoil gold Tiffany key with the 30 inch chain. I should be happy with the Chanel bag and never want anything else for at least a year right? According to men that doesn't sound absolutely absurd, but to the true Fashionistas, we know that is just as hard as walking over a bed of hot coals with no Prada Flats to shield our sweet pedicured tootsies from the fire!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The Texas Doctor
Now that I am in Texas it was time to see my good old Doctor. He is a very serious man who is genuinely concerned for my well being. He listens very intently, and is very concerned with answering all of my questions with the utmost integrity and honesty. I love him, and I also love to mess with him.
Last time I was pregnant I told him that he would see in my 5 page birth plan that I wanted to give birth on all fours, and then bronze my placenta after the delivery. He looked at me with a blank stare as he scrambled for words. It was awesome! I wonder if he remembers my last delivery. He walked into the room with my computer blaring several popular dance hits and rap songs. I think Sam emerged onto this earth with "She moves her body like a Cyclone" playing in the background. Dr. B walked into a club scene of pushing, rapping, and laughing. This was possible due to my epidural of course. I am hoping for the same fun lighthearted environment this time around.
My mom went with me to this appointment since my husband is working from the house. It takes an hour and half to get to the doctor, so he can't afford to come with me to every appointment. If he came with, I would be banished to silence and no radio in the car as he talked on his cell phone the entire time to potential investors using corporate words like "synergy, leverage, and process optimization". So, my mom came with me, and we planned out our day of lunching and shopping.
Once we got to the doctor I checked in and sat down. I love to look at what all the other preggos are wearing. I usually get dirty looks from the really tired ones since I do still try and look cute in my knocked up state. We all know that sweatpants and long t-shirts are the uniform of choice, but come on, not when you are out in public ladies! Have some pride! It was a little rainy that day, so I was wearing my Jimmy Choo Hunter Wellies with a pair of skinny "maternity" jeans, a cute top, scarf, Burberry rain hat, and my cute black hooded jacket with lots of pleats.
We got called to the room, and the nurse, who was new to me, told me that he was going to do a full exam....yuck! Not necessary! I frowned and showed my disappointment as she told me to undress while pointing out the grody gown and the paper thin sheet. So, I was doing just that when Dr. B came in the room. I had already taken off my boots and jeans, and I my head was buried in my shirt as he was coming in the door. He jumped, and then said, "Don't worry about that....we aren't going to do an exam, you can leave your clothes on." Thank God I thought! However, he didn't give me enough time to get fully dressed....I mean it takes twice as long to throw all that shit on when you have a huge growth in the front that impedes your bending over skills. So, he came into the room to me in my hanky pankys, long pink leopard print socks pulled up to my knees, my shirt, and that paper thin sheet wrapped around my waist. Embarrassed? Not really, he has seen worse....believe me!
Once we got past the wardrobe snafu, we got down to business, and he asked me serious questions about my pregnancy, movement, swelling, and any concerns. He asked me if I had any questions for him, and before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "yeah, why am I soooo bitchy this time?" His face changed from concerned to shocked as he tried to hold it together. It was hilarious! My mom blurted out my name in disapproval of my question. I laughed and told him I was joking....I then went on to have more verbal diarrhea and told him that my husband told me to ask him that question. He then got a hold of himself and laughed and said, "that is a brave man, not a very smart man, but a brave man." Then he got back to serious mode, and told me that I was probably stressed and that it was perfectly normal to feel the way I did. I decided that I better stop messing with him or else I was going to have to fill out one of the depression questionnaires before I was allowed to leave. I love my doctor!
Last time I was pregnant I told him that he would see in my 5 page birth plan that I wanted to give birth on all fours, and then bronze my placenta after the delivery. He looked at me with a blank stare as he scrambled for words. It was awesome! I wonder if he remembers my last delivery. He walked into the room with my computer blaring several popular dance hits and rap songs. I think Sam emerged onto this earth with "She moves her body like a Cyclone" playing in the background. Dr. B walked into a club scene of pushing, rapping, and laughing. This was possible due to my epidural of course. I am hoping for the same fun lighthearted environment this time around.
My mom went with me to this appointment since my husband is working from the house. It takes an hour and half to get to the doctor, so he can't afford to come with me to every appointment. If he came with, I would be banished to silence and no radio in the car as he talked on his cell phone the entire time to potential investors using corporate words like "synergy, leverage, and process optimization". So, my mom came with me, and we planned out our day of lunching and shopping.
Once we got to the doctor I checked in and sat down. I love to look at what all the other preggos are wearing. I usually get dirty looks from the really tired ones since I do still try and look cute in my knocked up state. We all know that sweatpants and long t-shirts are the uniform of choice, but come on, not when you are out in public ladies! Have some pride! It was a little rainy that day, so I was wearing my Jimmy Choo Hunter Wellies with a pair of skinny "maternity" jeans, a cute top, scarf, Burberry rain hat, and my cute black hooded jacket with lots of pleats.
We got called to the room, and the nurse, who was new to me, told me that he was going to do a full exam....yuck! Not necessary! I frowned and showed my disappointment as she told me to undress while pointing out the grody gown and the paper thin sheet. So, I was doing just that when Dr. B came in the room. I had already taken off my boots and jeans, and I my head was buried in my shirt as he was coming in the door. He jumped, and then said, "Don't worry about that....we aren't going to do an exam, you can leave your clothes on." Thank God I thought! However, he didn't give me enough time to get fully dressed....I mean it takes twice as long to throw all that shit on when you have a huge growth in the front that impedes your bending over skills. So, he came into the room to me in my hanky pankys, long pink leopard print socks pulled up to my knees, my shirt, and that paper thin sheet wrapped around my waist. Embarrassed? Not really, he has seen worse....believe me!
Once we got past the wardrobe snafu, we got down to business, and he asked me serious questions about my pregnancy, movement, swelling, and any concerns. He asked me if I had any questions for him, and before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "yeah, why am I soooo bitchy this time?" His face changed from concerned to shocked as he tried to hold it together. It was hilarious! My mom blurted out my name in disapproval of my question. I laughed and told him I was joking....I then went on to have more verbal diarrhea and told him that my husband told me to ask him that question. He then got a hold of himself and laughed and said, "that is a brave man, not a very smart man, but a brave man." Then he got back to serious mode, and told me that I was probably stressed and that it was perfectly normal to feel the way I did. I decided that I better stop messing with him or else I was going to have to fill out one of the depression questionnaires before I was allowed to leave. I love my doctor!
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