So after the huge fart, my parents showed up, and that was the first thing that came out of my mouth......no I didn't fart out of my mouth, but I felt compelled to tell them of my embarrassment. My dad's response was, "was it a good one?" My husband laughed, and my mom tried to look shocked and embarrassed as to say that we don't usually do that. Well, if you know me, you know that we usually do, but I wasn't feeling close enough to my male nurse for him to know that yet.
Anyway, so my dad did ask if I was sure that it wasn't my phone that farted.......hmmmmm......why didn't I think of that!? I downloaded the Atomic Fart app onto my IPhone as soon as I walked out of the AT&T store, so I totally could have blamed it on that. Dammit! I showed Ed the app, and he thought it was great! We decided to play a trick on my straight laced doctor when he came in to check my cervix. If I remember correctly we pulled the "Sleeper" out for him. He tried to act like he didn't hear it, but then knew something was up when Ed and I were dying laughing! Surprisingly he had the same app on his IPhone, and was prepared to retaliate, but his wouldn't pull up. :)
After that, it was time to mess with the anesthesiologist. My contractions were getting to the unbearable point, and my husband reminded me that pain was not necessary, and Ed reminded me that it would take about 30 minuted for the Anesthesiologist to get to our floor with all of his stuff. I decided to cave and ask for the deadening. Supposedly this guy was a real jokster, and would love some fart noises, so we made a plan! I was up for anything that would take my mind off of the pain that had now moved up on the pain scale to a level 8. He strolled in with his "cart o drugs", and asked me if I had ever had an epidural before....that's when I gave him the sleeper. It was perfection! I did it right when he told me to lean forward.......it was sooo loud and awesome! He stopped dead in his tracks, and then we couldn't help it....we died laughing! He loved it! In fact, he thought it was so funny, he told some funny story the entire time he was giving me my epidural. I remember last time the man was very quiet and serious, and told me things like, "now you will feel a little sting, and some burning, and now a cold rush." This guys, well, he just told jokes. I don't remember any of them because I was having contractions that I could still feel at this point.
I love it when it's time to get your epidural, and it's imperative that you stay absolutely still when they are inserting the giant needle on top of your spinal cord. This is always so easy to do when you are having a terrible level 8 contraction that makes you want to shit twice and die. Thank goodness Ed was there to hold me like a straight jacket as he pushed my shoulders down and helped me round out my back for the massive injection.
After that, they had me lay on my side and wait for the drugs to do their thing. This was when my parents and my brother stepped out for some lunch. I tried to take a nap, but I could still feel everything on my right side.....left side, not so much, but right side......sucked! Ed had me turn over on my other side in hopes that this would redirect the drugs into the right side of my body.....so I laid there......in pain......it didn't work. This was when things got a little scary. Zady's heart rate was dropping way too low during every contraction. I knew it was serious when Dr. B showed up in my room trying to act like he wasn't short of breath from the long sprint through the hospital. They didn't tell me much, they just made me put on an oxygen mask and concentrate on my breathing. Ed also thought it was a good idea to have be sit up. I was much more comfortable that way, and Zady was much happier that way too. Her heart rate was still dropping a bit, but not quite as much.
After the adornment of the mask, they checked me out and decided that I could push soon. That's when Ed gave me the "choice". Wiggle the needle in my back in hopes of redirecting some of the drug into the right side, push, or have the anesthesiologist come back and give me epidural number two. I decided to try the wiggle, and it didn't work, so we had the dude come back for a drug repair. The jokester was gone by this point, so we had a newer, younger guy come in who was much more serious. He did say, as soon as he walked in, "I heard about you!" He was fully prepared to get messed with, but I was kind of in no mood since I was having an easy labor only on one side of my body.
He had me sit up, and we tried the whole thing again. He was really nice, and totally prepared to give the first guy some shit for messing up my epidural. He said, "you are in good shape, and you aren't 300 pounds, so there is no excuse for the first one to not work." Apparently the first guy was "the epidural man" who never messes up, and looks down on those who do, so he was going to get it for sure from everyone.
So, after my second epidural, I was finally ready to push. Ed sat me up as high as he could and told me to get my game face on. Right as we started the first push Salt and Pepper's Ah Push It started on my Ipod. It was perfection! I pushed about three times before they put my legs in the leg canals and called in the "welder", I mean, Doctor. He totally looked like a welder with his full face clear welding mask. It's enough to make a poor girl think she's going to explode and the baby is going to shoot out across the room with the placenta in tow......okay, that was really gross, but so true.
I pushed two more times, and there she was! I didn't even have time to break a sweat! She was so beautiful and fabulous! She weighed 7pds 15oz, and she was 20 inches long. Her head was nice and round, and she didn't even look that much like an ugly alien newborn. I loved every second of her when they handed her to me. Ahhhhh, childbirth......how blissful! Huh!
And thus starts the aftermath.........
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