The Texas Doctor

Now that I am in Texas it was time to see my good old Doctor. He is a very serious man who is genuinely concerned for my well being. He listens very intently, and is very concerned with answering all of my questions with the utmost integrity and honesty. I love him, and I also love to mess with him.

Last time I was pregnant I told him that he would see in my 5 page birth plan that I wanted to give birth on all fours, and then bronze my placenta after the delivery. He looked at me with a blank stare as he scrambled for words. It was awesome! I wonder if he remembers my last delivery. He walked into the room with my computer blaring several popular dance hits and rap songs. I think Sam emerged onto this earth with "She moves her body like a Cyclone" playing in the background. Dr. B walked into a club scene of pushing, rapping, and laughing. This was possible due to my epidural of course. I am hoping for the same fun lighthearted environment this time around.

My mom went with me to this appointment since my husband is working from the house. It takes an hour and half to get to the doctor, so he can't afford to come with me to every appointment. If he came with, I would be banished to silence and no radio in the car as he talked on his cell phone the entire time to potential investors using corporate words like "synergy, leverage, and process optimization". So, my mom came with me, and we planned out our day of lunching and shopping.

Once we got to the doctor I checked in and sat down. I love to look at what all the other preggos are wearing. I usually get dirty looks from the really tired ones since I do still try and look cute in my knocked up state. We all know that sweatpants and long t-shirts are the uniform of choice, but come on, not when you are out in public ladies! Have some pride! It was a little rainy that day, so I was wearing my Jimmy Choo Hunter Wellies with a pair of skinny "maternity" jeans, a cute top, scarf, Burberry rain hat, and my cute black hooded jacket with lots of pleats.

We got called to the room, and the nurse, who was new to me, told me that he was going to do a full exam....yuck! Not necessary! I frowned and showed my disappointment as she told me to undress while pointing out the grody gown and the paper thin sheet. So, I was doing just that when Dr. B came in the room. I had already taken off my boots and jeans, and I my head was buried in my shirt as he was coming in the door. He jumped, and then said, "Don't worry about that....we aren't going to do an exam, you can leave your clothes on." Thank God I thought! However, he didn't give me enough time to get fully dressed....I mean it takes twice as long to throw all that shit on when you have a huge growth in the front that impedes your bending over skills. So, he came into the room to me in my hanky pankys, long pink leopard print socks pulled up to my knees, my shirt, and that paper thin sheet wrapped around my waist. Embarrassed? Not really, he has seen worse....believe me!

Once we got past the wardrobe snafu, we got down to business, and he asked me serious questions about my pregnancy, movement, swelling, and any concerns. He asked me if I had any questions for him, and before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "yeah, why am I soooo bitchy this time?" His face changed from concerned to shocked as he tried to hold it together. It was hilarious! My mom blurted out my name in disapproval of my question. I laughed and told him I was joking....I then went on to have more verbal diarrhea and told him that my husband told me to ask him that question. He then got a hold of himself and laughed and said, "that is a brave man, not a very smart man, but a brave man." Then he got back to serious mode, and told me that I was probably stressed and that it was perfectly normal to feel the way I did. I decided that I better stop messing with him or else I was going to have to fill out one of the depression questionnaires before I was allowed to leave. I love my doctor!