My mom recently came up for a visit and we had a fabulous time! We shopped and shopped and shopped so much, and we loved every second of it! I am totally in the "nesting phase" of my pregnancy, so I am yearning to get things ready for Zady's arrival. I need to clean out all of Pigpens clothes and send them to a new home, so I can replace all of that space with pink Tutu's, leopard print Uggs, and other various wardrobe staples for the future fashionista.
Pigpen goes to Daycare two days a week now, so my mom and I had some free time to do some baby free shopping! This meant we could actually go to Antique stores and small boutique shops that are not equipped for the BOB stroller. We started one of our shopping excursions in Wrentham at a giant Antique Mall. It was so fun! There were so many great pieces of jewelry that called me by my first name. They would call out from the case, "Hello, I am real ivory, and I would look stunning around your neck. You should take me home......take me home this instant!" It was so hard to resist, but I passed all of them up, and made my way to a clothing booth in the back of the store.
Stepping into the booth was like stepping back in time. My eyes immediately spotted a light colored Mink coat that was in excellent condition. I ripped it off the hanger and tried it on. Too big! Crap! I need a mink so bad....you just have no idea.....it gets cold enough to wear those Elmer Fudd hats up here in the winter......Fur is a must for warmth in these here parts. I walked out of the clothing booth with the mink on my body, and a Jakie O pillbox hat on my head. I found my mom, and said, "what do you think?" She laughed along with the shop owners. She came back to the boutique and was shocked to see such a beautiful mink for sale. She made me take it off so she could give it a try. It totally fit her perfect, so she knew what she had to do. There was no price on the coat, so we enlisted the help of the desk ladies. They came back to the booth to my mom in the mink coat and pillbox hat, and to me dressed in a sheared beaver bolero, neck scarf , and a red pillbox hat. They loved it! The coat wasn't marked, but we found out it was $165! What! For a real mink coat??? My mom asked if they would take $100, and they said yes. She said, "sold", and that was that! She now had a new mink coat to wear to and from the gate at her house in Texas when she takes the camouflage golf cart down to the gate in the mornings to get the paper. Ridiculous!
After the purchase of the century, we headed to Wellesley to check out the fru fru consignment shops. I wanted to see if they had any great bags that needed to belong to us. Last time I scored a beautiful lambskin Prada bag, and a pink Bottega Veneta bag for mear pennies! We had high tea at a small tea shop, and then headed to the store. All that tea made a pregnant girl have to tinkle so I had to ask the shop owner if I could use there crappy little bathroom in the storage room. They like me there, so they said of course. Once I got into the bathroom I noticed they needed a new role of toilet paper, so I got one out, took the old one off, and put the new one on just the way it should be. All the while, I thought to myself, "how nice am I right now, I could totally just use a new role and place it on top of the old role, but no......I'm going the extra mile to do the right thing." Feeling good about my secret good deed, and feeling much better with an empty bladder, I headed to the sink to wash my hands.
As I was washing my hands, I noticed a very loud noise coming from the toilet, so I looked over to see what the hell was going on.....that is when the horror ensued! There was water shooting out of the back of the toilet!!!!! I had never seen anything like it! I mean, don't get me wrong, I've seen the water rise helplessly in the bowl in a attempt to overflow and ruin the floor, but I have never seen it shooting out of the back of the toilet! I freaked! I knew that the water should be turned off at the wall, but the floor was totally flooded by this point, and I was wearing my suede Tod's loafers. They would be ruined if I tried to shut the water off! I ran out of the bathroom, and told the shop lady that there was water running out of the toilet. She said, "oh, you have to jiggle the handle sometimes." I said, "NO, you don't understand, water is shooting out the back and onto the floor!" She dropped the Hermes Scarf that she was tagging and ran for the bathroom. She shouted and screamed when she saw the flooded floor. She turned off the water at the wall, and then continued to panic and scream things like, "my new floor, my new floor." She was referring to the new faux hardwood floor that was in the store....not the bathroom. The bathroom/store room was laminate. She was dancing around in the water like a chicken with it's head cut off, and I was thinking to myself....."lady, there are 32 rolls of paper towels on that metal shelf across from the toilet....that is where I would start. I suggested it, and she then grabbed them and shooed me away.
I walked sheepishly away to the counter with that, "I am so sorry I just flooded your bathroom" look on my face. You know, teeth together, mouth in a "oops" kind of frown. The other lady said that it wasn't my fault, and said something about a sweaty workman that was in there earlier. Also feeling horrible and somewhat obligated to do something was my sweet mom. She went over to see if she could lend a hand, and saw the shop owner standing in water almost to the top of her sandal clad foot. She felt compelled to assure her that since the water was shooting out of the back of the toilet that she was most likely not standing in "tinkle". I wanted to die! The lady now had a plunger with a huge orange cone on the end, and was plunging the toilet. My mom mentioned yet again that she can be relieved that she wasn't standing in "tinkle". I died another death!
The lady concluded that I had used too much toilet paper, and that is why the toilet over flowed. I saw it with my own eyes! It didn't "overflow". It was possessed by the devil, and let's not forget that I am environmentally conscious, and I don't waste paper....toilet paper included. I just went #1.....there is no way some English Breakfast tea and about 4 squares of toilet paper could do such damage. However, she was convinced I used as much toilet paper as that stupid little bear on the toilet paper commercial, and she hated me.
After lingering for a bit, we decided there was nothing more that could be done, and it was best for us to just leave, so we did just that. I have some clothes there on consignment, but I don't dare call to see how they are doing, and when I will get my check. I might just wait it out, and see if I get one in the next month or two. How humiliating. My status has gone from "cute pregnant girl who brightens our day" to "Big fat bitch of a pregnant girl who ruined the store room by wiping with a whole roll of toilet paper."
In the words of Rachel Zoe, "I die....I die right now".
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The 4am Flogging
Why is it that the damn boy always gets sick when my husband is either out of the country, or all the way across the Nation? I don't know if he has ever been here when we have had to take temperatures and ponder a visit to the stupid idiot Nurse Practitioner. Well, there was that one time in Martha's Vineyard.....thank goodness he was there that time because I would have had to go and wake up his boss and boss's wife at midnight, and well......"homey don't play that".
Anyway, my mom was just here for a two week visit that absolutely flew by! We picked up Pigpen from Daycare on Tuesday, and the girls told me that they took his temp because he was really fussy, and not acting like his normal chipper self. He had a temp of 100. Eh, big deal! Give the boy some "dope" (Tylenol) and move on. That is my thinking, but I couldn't say that. I had to say, "oh, oh no, thank you for taking his temp; I will give him some Tylenol when I get home." So, we did just that, and he took a big fat nap!
My sister-in-law is a Physician, and between her and a Pediatric Cardiologist friend, they both recommend, alternating Tylenol and Motrin when your child has a fever. You give one of them every four hours. The Pediatric Cardiologist said that she doesn't even take her child's temp, she just gives her the medication and monitors her child's behavior. Thus, I am not concerned with numbers when it comes to a fever. My sister-in-law said that a child will not die from a self induced fever. They will die if they get a fever from being left in a hot car, or something like that, but if your child gets a fever and their ears and throat look clear, you just need to let it run it's course. "Dope" every four hours will help the child feel more comfortable.
Armed with this info, I tried to do my best on Wednesday after dropping off Ya Ya at the airport. Pigpen was not too comfy in the car, and took a nap when we got home.....a long nap! I long enough nap for me to watch 90210, The Rachel Zoe Project, and Gossip Girl. I was in heaven with the Tivo remote and my tall no water Chai Latte from Starbucks. After his nap, he was not happy, and totally burning up. I decided to open up the $30 thermometer I bought after our return from Martha's Vineyard and try it out. You stick it in the ear......scary! I was sure he would hate it, but he actually let me do it. Of course, I had to stick it in my ear first, then Piggy's ear, and finally his. Temp was 103.5. I tried to remember what the medical professionals said, but it is hard to not feel helpless and a little lost when you see such a big number, so I called the damn doctor.
Of course, my doctor could get me in at 4:30, or the stupid idiot Nurse Practitioner could see me at 1pm. I couldn't bare to wait until 4:30, so I chose the NP. Dumb! I forgot that she didn't know that their were two types of Balmex last time I saw her for his Eczema, but I quickly remembered when we were in her grasp. I mean, I don't expect her to know all the brands of diaper rash cream in the world, but Balmex is pretty common, and she is a mother herself. How do I know more than she does when it comes to diaper rash cream? She insinuated that I was a moran for putting Balmex on his Eczema since it had zinc in it, and well, that would be moranic if I actually used the white cream, but I didn't. I used the clear Balmex that is similar to Vaseline, and she didn't believe me that it existed......I hated her.
Anyway, we go to see her to get his ears and throat checked out and to get him tested for the flu. I am 5 months preggo, so that is the last thing we need in our house....the damn pregnant lady death sentence of the swine flu! Well, guess what, they don't test for the flu, only the ER tests for the flu, so basically I learned that his ears and throat looked good, and to give him Motrin. She suggested to only do Motrin every 6 hours and not alternate. I tried it, and it sucked! Alternating is better! Listen to the ones that went to school longer!!!!! I hate myself for not sticking to the plan.
Pig was miserable. He just wanted to lay on me all day long.....preferably with his knees on his unborn baby sister. He went to sleep around 8:45, and slept until 3:45am. We got up, we drank water, we got our dope (motrin this time), and we took our temp. That is when the thermometer read 106, and then said ER C. Error, I suppose. I don't know, I read the instructions, and there was no explanation for an ER C message in the display window, and then it wouldn't get itself off of Celsius! I wanted to throw it so far into the lake, but I just kept my composure and tried to change the batteries. It's moments like these when you just want to cry too. He was crying, so why shouldn't we just make a family pitty party out of it? After we changed the batteries, we still got the same message. It sucked! Everything sucks worse at 4am when you are walking up and down the stairs in a tank top, bikini panties, no shoes, with a giant pregnant belly in front, a much bigger ass than you have ever had in the back, and a sick unhappy snotty nosed baby on your side. Shitty!
So we both went into my room to try and go back to bed. He wriggled around for a good 20 minutes as he moaned, and then he finally settled on a sideways sleeping position with both hot little fire poker feet resting on my back. So, I had his little "foot coals" digging into my back, and Zady (the unborn) was doing Turbokick in my belly. I laid there on my side and thought...."This is torture, and the second one isn't even out of the womb yet." What's is going to be like when they are both here and both sick, and I'm playing single mom for the week? Ahhhhh!!!!! I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.
He woke up feeling good and cool as a cucumber, so I sent him to daycare. They called me at 11am to come and get him. Dammit! I can't win!
Anyway, my mom was just here for a two week visit that absolutely flew by! We picked up Pigpen from Daycare on Tuesday, and the girls told me that they took his temp because he was really fussy, and not acting like his normal chipper self. He had a temp of 100. Eh, big deal! Give the boy some "dope" (Tylenol) and move on. That is my thinking, but I couldn't say that. I had to say, "oh, oh no, thank you for taking his temp; I will give him some Tylenol when I get home." So, we did just that, and he took a big fat nap!
My sister-in-law is a Physician, and between her and a Pediatric Cardiologist friend, they both recommend, alternating Tylenol and Motrin when your child has a fever. You give one of them every four hours. The Pediatric Cardiologist said that she doesn't even take her child's temp, she just gives her the medication and monitors her child's behavior. Thus, I am not concerned with numbers when it comes to a fever. My sister-in-law said that a child will not die from a self induced fever. They will die if they get a fever from being left in a hot car, or something like that, but if your child gets a fever and their ears and throat look clear, you just need to let it run it's course. "Dope" every four hours will help the child feel more comfortable.
Armed with this info, I tried to do my best on Wednesday after dropping off Ya Ya at the airport. Pigpen was not too comfy in the car, and took a nap when we got home.....a long nap! I long enough nap for me to watch 90210, The Rachel Zoe Project, and Gossip Girl. I was in heaven with the Tivo remote and my tall no water Chai Latte from Starbucks. After his nap, he was not happy, and totally burning up. I decided to open up the $30 thermometer I bought after our return from Martha's Vineyard and try it out. You stick it in the ear......scary! I was sure he would hate it, but he actually let me do it. Of course, I had to stick it in my ear first, then Piggy's ear, and finally his. Temp was 103.5. I tried to remember what the medical professionals said, but it is hard to not feel helpless and a little lost when you see such a big number, so I called the damn doctor.
Of course, my doctor could get me in at 4:30, or the stupid idiot Nurse Practitioner could see me at 1pm. I couldn't bare to wait until 4:30, so I chose the NP. Dumb! I forgot that she didn't know that their were two types of Balmex last time I saw her for his Eczema, but I quickly remembered when we were in her grasp. I mean, I don't expect her to know all the brands of diaper rash cream in the world, but Balmex is pretty common, and she is a mother herself. How do I know more than she does when it comes to diaper rash cream? She insinuated that I was a moran for putting Balmex on his Eczema since it had zinc in it, and well, that would be moranic if I actually used the white cream, but I didn't. I used the clear Balmex that is similar to Vaseline, and she didn't believe me that it existed......I hated her.
Anyway, we go to see her to get his ears and throat checked out and to get him tested for the flu. I am 5 months preggo, so that is the last thing we need in our house....the damn pregnant lady death sentence of the swine flu! Well, guess what, they don't test for the flu, only the ER tests for the flu, so basically I learned that his ears and throat looked good, and to give him Motrin. She suggested to only do Motrin every 6 hours and not alternate. I tried it, and it sucked! Alternating is better! Listen to the ones that went to school longer!!!!! I hate myself for not sticking to the plan.
Pig was miserable. He just wanted to lay on me all day long.....preferably with his knees on his unborn baby sister. He went to sleep around 8:45, and slept until 3:45am. We got up, we drank water, we got our dope (motrin this time), and we took our temp. That is when the thermometer read 106, and then said ER C. Error, I suppose. I don't know, I read the instructions, and there was no explanation for an ER C message in the display window, and then it wouldn't get itself off of Celsius! I wanted to throw it so far into the lake, but I just kept my composure and tried to change the batteries. It's moments like these when you just want to cry too. He was crying, so why shouldn't we just make a family pitty party out of it? After we changed the batteries, we still got the same message. It sucked! Everything sucks worse at 4am when you are walking up and down the stairs in a tank top, bikini panties, no shoes, with a giant pregnant belly in front, a much bigger ass than you have ever had in the back, and a sick unhappy snotty nosed baby on your side. Shitty!
So we both went into my room to try and go back to bed. He wriggled around for a good 20 minutes as he moaned, and then he finally settled on a sideways sleeping position with both hot little fire poker feet resting on my back. So, I had his little "foot coals" digging into my back, and Zady (the unborn) was doing Turbokick in my belly. I laid there on my side and thought...."This is torture, and the second one isn't even out of the womb yet." What's is going to be like when they are both here and both sick, and I'm playing single mom for the week? Ahhhhh!!!!! I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.
He woke up feeling good and cool as a cucumber, so I sent him to daycare. They called me at 11am to come and get him. Dammit! I can't win!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Destination Maternity or Destination Divorce?
If you've never been into one, the name might sound really cheesy and a little scary. I always thought of it as a place full of khaki pants that resemble something my grandmother would wear mixed with some sort of electronic store issued uniform, and those horrible black rayon empire waisted shirts with ugly tropical white flowers on them. You know.....the really ugly maternity clothes that just make you look like a pregnant whale!
But oh, I was "oh" so wrong! This place is like a shiny little jewel of an oasis sparkling in the distance for every pregnant woman to enjoy. My friend Natasha told me about it, and I decided to check it out. I think Angels sang in unison as I walked through the door, and I'm almost sure that my hair blew back and a light shone in on me as I entered. This place was heaven for the knocked up! When the Angels ceased their tunes, and the wind in my hair was gone, a cute girl dressed in all black and one of those Britney Spears headsets walked up to me and offered me a water or a fresh orange juice. I was thrown off at first, but completely delighted at such an offer. Then she went on to explain to me how the store worked.
They have three different sections of clothing. They have them laid out as almost free, affordable, and completely fabulous but you're smokin crack if you buy more than 4 things from this section. Of course I loved everything in the designer section. Then, wait for it, wait for it, they have a spa; yeah that's right.....a spa. A spa designed just for pregnant ladies. I was looking at the entrance to the little dreamy location called Edamame Spa, and there was a stylish looking preggo checking in for her massage. I died! The girl looked at my face and said, "come on over and check out our spa menu.....everything is tailored to pregnancy, and all of our therapist are trained in prenatal care." I felt like I was part of some alien Government experiment that was too good to be true. I had died and gone to heaven!
Not only do they have all of these fabulous features.....there's more! They have a sweet little Yoga studio filled with birch wood and smokey glassed walls. It was so cute and tranquil, and I think the classes are free! There was also a little section full of baby gear....really cute and trendy baby gear: just the type of thing that you would want to see on your baby to be. Just down from the baby gear section and the spa was the literature and lotion section. Of course I loved that! I love products and these were all products for preggos. I bought the Boob Tube and the Belly Rub. It was like being at Whole Foods: I didn't have to read any of the labels....you just knew the stuff was good. I ended up in the dressing room with several items from the "you're smokin crack" section. I had 2 pair of Seven For All Mankind jeans, one pair of Citizens, a pair of A Gold E cords, a fabulous little valour tracksuit by Hardtail with a jeweled winged heart on the back, some Mavi shorts, and some cute tops. All of the bottoms were over $100 for sure, but they were all so lovely.
I tried on, fell in love, but then slapped myself back into reality! These were maternity clothes, and I was only going to have one more baby! Last time I could justify buying nice stuff because I was working, and I was most likely going to have another baby. This time, not so much! I am only having this little sweet girl, and then I am calling it quits! The angel on my left shoulder said, "Do you really need to wear $200 maternity jeans to the playground where you will be sitting in the sandbox?" Then the devil on might right shoulder countered back with a, "But they are soooo cute and sooo comfy.....you will look so smart in these, and you will long for them in years to come at the Thanksgiving dinner table." Crap! What was a hormonally challenged stifled fashionista to do? I sat down, took a deep breath, thought of my husband, and settled on a pair of $50 shorts (that was the sale price for the Mavi's) and a cute black sleeveless top with a ruffled collar.
I still spent more than I should have, but at least I knew I would still be married when I got home. I haven't been back since. I want to go sooo bad, but I am trying to steer clear. I might have to break down and go this week with my mom since I tried on my one option, a black dress from the Gap, for a wedding I have to go to in Texas next month. Neither my mom or my husband were blown away by the jersey knit wrap dress with long sleeves. Oh to be pregnant and fashionable.....it's so hard.
But oh, I was "oh" so wrong! This place is like a shiny little jewel of an oasis sparkling in the distance for every pregnant woman to enjoy. My friend Natasha told me about it, and I decided to check it out. I think Angels sang in unison as I walked through the door, and I'm almost sure that my hair blew back and a light shone in on me as I entered. This place was heaven for the knocked up! When the Angels ceased their tunes, and the wind in my hair was gone, a cute girl dressed in all black and one of those Britney Spears headsets walked up to me and offered me a water or a fresh orange juice. I was thrown off at first, but completely delighted at such an offer. Then she went on to explain to me how the store worked.
They have three different sections of clothing. They have them laid out as almost free, affordable, and completely fabulous but you're smokin crack if you buy more than 4 things from this section. Of course I loved everything in the designer section. Then, wait for it, wait for it, they have a spa; yeah that's right.....a spa. A spa designed just for pregnant ladies. I was looking at the entrance to the little dreamy location called Edamame Spa, and there was a stylish looking preggo checking in for her massage. I died! The girl looked at my face and said, "come on over and check out our spa menu.....everything is tailored to pregnancy, and all of our therapist are trained in prenatal care." I felt like I was part of some alien Government experiment that was too good to be true. I had died and gone to heaven!
Not only do they have all of these fabulous features.....there's more! They have a sweet little Yoga studio filled with birch wood and smokey glassed walls. It was so cute and tranquil, and I think the classes are free! There was also a little section full of baby gear....really cute and trendy baby gear: just the type of thing that you would want to see on your baby to be. Just down from the baby gear section and the spa was the literature and lotion section. Of course I loved that! I love products and these were all products for preggos. I bought the Boob Tube and the Belly Rub. It was like being at Whole Foods: I didn't have to read any of the labels....you just knew the stuff was good. I ended up in the dressing room with several items from the "you're smokin crack" section. I had 2 pair of Seven For All Mankind jeans, one pair of Citizens, a pair of A Gold E cords, a fabulous little valour tracksuit by Hardtail with a jeweled winged heart on the back, some Mavi shorts, and some cute tops. All of the bottoms were over $100 for sure, but they were all so lovely.
I tried on, fell in love, but then slapped myself back into reality! These were maternity clothes, and I was only going to have one more baby! Last time I could justify buying nice stuff because I was working, and I was most likely going to have another baby. This time, not so much! I am only having this little sweet girl, and then I am calling it quits! The angel on my left shoulder said, "Do you really need to wear $200 maternity jeans to the playground where you will be sitting in the sandbox?" Then the devil on might right shoulder countered back with a, "But they are soooo cute and sooo comfy.....you will look so smart in these, and you will long for them in years to come at the Thanksgiving dinner table." Crap! What was a hormonally challenged stifled fashionista to do? I sat down, took a deep breath, thought of my husband, and settled on a pair of $50 shorts (that was the sale price for the Mavi's) and a cute black sleeveless top with a ruffled collar.
I still spent more than I should have, but at least I knew I would still be married when I got home. I haven't been back since. I want to go sooo bad, but I am trying to steer clear. I might have to break down and go this week with my mom since I tried on my one option, a black dress from the Gap, for a wedding I have to go to in Texas next month. Neither my mom or my husband were blown away by the jersey knit wrap dress with long sleeves. Oh to be pregnant and fashionable.....it's so hard.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Home Delivery
Hey there blog readers! Sorry I have been so tardy with my posts. I was in PA for two weeks getting ready for my brother-in-law's wedding. It was a gorgeous affair, and now I am finally back home and slowly slipping back into my morning routine. This routine includes watching The Today Show as I get breakfast ready for myself and Pigpen.
Yesterday I was doing just that, and they were talking about the growing trend of "Home Delivery" among mother's to be. You may wonder....hmmm.....home delivery? Well, let me clarify; they weren't referring to buying your maternity clothes on line and choosing the home delivery option, and they weren't talking about how easy it is to seek out all of your nursery furniture on line and choose home delivery......they were talking about the growing trend of having your baby at home!!!!!! Are you serious? Yes!
Apparently this is a growing trend among educated career holding citizens around my age. I really like my home, and appreciate my home. Especially when I am gone for long periods of time. There is something to be said about your own bed and your own toilet, but I gave birth to Pigpen, and I don't want any of that shit happening in my own home. Do you remember Ricki Lake? The bigger girl in the 80's trio band who went on to have her own talk show. Yeah well, she made a Documentary called the "The business of being born", or some crap like that, and is a true advocate of giving birth at home. She was quoted saying things like, "it's better for the baby because you are bringing them into a familiar environment instead of a scary hospital room with machines and strangers". What!
I love those machines and strangers! Those machines were comforting to me because I knew they could take over if I couldn't for some strange reason, and those same machines were there to keep my new baby alive in extenuating circumstances! I loved those strangers! Those strangers were trained to know what to do with my newborn son if he wasn't breathing or swallowed his own crap during birth (I read about that in the birthing books).
I agree that your home is a great place with many familiarities, but I don't think it is a great place to delivery a human baby that is attached to your with an umbilical cord and covered in labor goo! What the hell do they do with the placenta? Put it in the kitchen sink? I think this a horribly stupid trend, and anyone who follows it is insane!
Hospitals are gross for the most part, but they keep people alive! They are trained in these procedures and have figured out the most efficient and affective way to deliver a baby. The Today Show had a couple on yesterday to talk about their experience with home delivery, and they were mourning the death of their baby. This idiot couple struggled through home delivery for four days! Four days without going to the hospital! Did the baby live.....hell no! The cord was wrapped around the little girl's neck, and she died in the womb! Absolutely appalling!
My husband caught the end of the special and reminded me of all of our friends who recently had babies, and who had to have emergency C-sections. I think back to my friend Amy who wanted all her life to have a natural child birth. She pushed and pushed and pushed for an entire day with a trained Dulla by her side, and ended up having to chuck the Dulla because of the "only one person" rule for an emergency C-section. My nephew Reed has been mischievous from the start.....he had his cord wrapped around his neck, so my sister-in-law also had to have an emergency C-section. My dear friend Meredith pushed and pushed and pushed, only to discover after her C-section that her child had an enormous head that had no chance of fitting through the birth canal (he will be smarter than all of our babies). And then there's me. I had a great normal child birth experience that involved my husband, my mother, and my best friend. We had a great time until Pigpen actually emerged with his 8lb 7oz self and ripped my chode clear from here to there! Who would repair the torn taint if I were at home? That took my doctor a long time to stitch from the inside out so I wouldn't pee out of my asshole for the rest of my life! Can you imagine a fashionista who pees out of her ass? No, it's horrifying!
Thus, I think home delivery is the dumbest thing on earth! You are setting yourself up for disaster! I would love to hear from advocates if there are any, and then I would love to slap you across the face with my elbow length Ralph Lauren leather gloves!
Yesterday I was doing just that, and they were talking about the growing trend of "Home Delivery" among mother's to be. You may wonder....hmmm.....home delivery? Well, let me clarify; they weren't referring to buying your maternity clothes on line and choosing the home delivery option, and they weren't talking about how easy it is to seek out all of your nursery furniture on line and choose home delivery......they were talking about the growing trend of having your baby at home!!!!!! Are you serious? Yes!
Apparently this is a growing trend among educated career holding citizens around my age. I really like my home, and appreciate my home. Especially when I am gone for long periods of time. There is something to be said about your own bed and your own toilet, but I gave birth to Pigpen, and I don't want any of that shit happening in my own home. Do you remember Ricki Lake? The bigger girl in the 80's trio band who went on to have her own talk show. Yeah well, she made a Documentary called the "The business of being born", or some crap like that, and is a true advocate of giving birth at home. She was quoted saying things like, "it's better for the baby because you are bringing them into a familiar environment instead of a scary hospital room with machines and strangers". What!
I love those machines and strangers! Those machines were comforting to me because I knew they could take over if I couldn't for some strange reason, and those same machines were there to keep my new baby alive in extenuating circumstances! I loved those strangers! Those strangers were trained to know what to do with my newborn son if he wasn't breathing or swallowed his own crap during birth (I read about that in the birthing books).
I agree that your home is a great place with many familiarities, but I don't think it is a great place to delivery a human baby that is attached to your with an umbilical cord and covered in labor goo! What the hell do they do with the placenta? Put it in the kitchen sink? I think this a horribly stupid trend, and anyone who follows it is insane!
Hospitals are gross for the most part, but they keep people alive! They are trained in these procedures and have figured out the most efficient and affective way to deliver a baby. The Today Show had a couple on yesterday to talk about their experience with home delivery, and they were mourning the death of their baby. This idiot couple struggled through home delivery for four days! Four days without going to the hospital! Did the baby live.....hell no! The cord was wrapped around the little girl's neck, and she died in the womb! Absolutely appalling!
My husband caught the end of the special and reminded me of all of our friends who recently had babies, and who had to have emergency C-sections. I think back to my friend Amy who wanted all her life to have a natural child birth. She pushed and pushed and pushed for an entire day with a trained Dulla by her side, and ended up having to chuck the Dulla because of the "only one person" rule for an emergency C-section. My nephew Reed has been mischievous from the start.....he had his cord wrapped around his neck, so my sister-in-law also had to have an emergency C-section. My dear friend Meredith pushed and pushed and pushed, only to discover after her C-section that her child had an enormous head that had no chance of fitting through the birth canal (he will be smarter than all of our babies). And then there's me. I had a great normal child birth experience that involved my husband, my mother, and my best friend. We had a great time until Pigpen actually emerged with his 8lb 7oz self and ripped my chode clear from here to there! Who would repair the torn taint if I were at home? That took my doctor a long time to stitch from the inside out so I wouldn't pee out of my asshole for the rest of my life! Can you imagine a fashionista who pees out of her ass? No, it's horrifying!
Thus, I think home delivery is the dumbest thing on earth! You are setting yourself up for disaster! I would love to hear from advocates if there are any, and then I would love to slap you across the face with my elbow length Ralph Lauren leather gloves!
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