Home Delivery

Hey there blog readers! Sorry I have been so tardy with my posts. I was in PA for two weeks getting ready for my brother-in-law's wedding. It was a gorgeous affair, and now I am finally back home and slowly slipping back into my morning routine. This routine includes watching The Today Show as I get breakfast ready for myself and Pigpen.

Yesterday I was doing just that, and they were talking about the growing trend of "Home Delivery" among mother's to be. You may wonder....hmmm.....home delivery? Well, let me clarify; they weren't referring to buying your maternity clothes on line and choosing the home delivery option, and they weren't talking about how easy it is to seek out all of your nursery furniture on line and choose home delivery......they were talking about the growing trend of having your baby at home!!!!!! Are you serious? Yes!

Apparently this is a growing trend among educated career holding citizens around my age. I really like my home, and appreciate my home. Especially when I am gone for long periods of time. There is something to be said about your own bed and your own toilet, but I gave birth to Pigpen, and I don't want any of that shit happening in my own home. Do you remember Ricki Lake? The bigger girl in the 80's trio band who went on to have her own talk show. Yeah well, she made a Documentary called the "The business of being born", or some crap like that, and is a true advocate of giving birth at home. She was quoted saying things like, "it's better for the baby because you are bringing them into a familiar environment instead of a scary hospital room with machines and strangers". What!

I love those machines and strangers! Those machines were comforting to me because I knew they could take over if I couldn't for some strange reason, and those same machines were there to keep my new baby alive in extenuating circumstances! I loved those strangers! Those strangers were trained to know what to do with my newborn son if he wasn't breathing or swallowed his own crap during birth (I read about that in the birthing books).

I agree that your home is a great place with many familiarities, but I don't think it is a great place to delivery a human baby that is attached to your with an umbilical cord and covered in labor goo! What the hell do they do with the placenta? Put it in the kitchen sink? I think this a horribly stupid trend, and anyone who follows it is insane!

Hospitals are gross for the most part, but they keep people alive! They are trained in these procedures and have figured out the most efficient and affective way to deliver a baby. The Today Show had a couple on yesterday to talk about their experience with home delivery, and they were mourning the death of their baby. This idiot couple struggled through home delivery for four days! Four days without going to the hospital! Did the baby live.....hell no! The cord was wrapped around the little girl's neck, and she died in the womb! Absolutely appalling!

My husband caught the end of the special and reminded me of all of our friends who recently had babies, and who had to have emergency C-sections. I think back to my friend Amy who wanted all her life to have a natural child birth. She pushed and pushed and pushed for an entire day with a trained Dulla by her side, and ended up having to chuck the Dulla because of the "only one person" rule for an emergency C-section. My nephew Reed has been mischievous from the start.....he had his cord wrapped around his neck, so my sister-in-law also had to have an emergency C-section. My dear friend Meredith pushed and pushed and pushed, only to discover after her C-section that her child had an enormous head that had no chance of fitting through the birth canal (he will be smarter than all of our babies). And then there's me. I had a great normal child birth experience that involved my husband, my mother, and my best friend. We had a great time until Pigpen actually emerged with his 8lb 7oz self and ripped my chode clear from here to there! Who would repair the torn taint if I were at home? That took my doctor a long time to stitch from the inside out so I wouldn't pee out of my asshole for the rest of my life! Can you imagine a fashionista who pees out of her ass? No, it's horrifying!

Thus, I think home delivery is the dumbest thing on earth! You are setting yourself up for disaster! I would love to hear from advocates if there are any, and then I would love to slap you across the face with my elbow length Ralph Lauren leather gloves!