Toilet Troubles

My mom recently came up for a visit and we had a fabulous time! We shopped and shopped and shopped so much, and we loved every second of it! I am totally in the "nesting phase" of my pregnancy, so I am yearning to get things ready for Zady's arrival. I need to clean out all of Pigpens clothes and send them to a new home, so I can replace all of that space with pink Tutu's, leopard print Uggs, and other various wardrobe staples for the future fashionista.

Pigpen goes to Daycare two days a week now, so my mom and I had some free time to do some baby free shopping! This meant we could actually go to Antique stores and small boutique shops that are not equipped for the BOB stroller. We started one of our shopping excursions in Wrentham at a giant Antique Mall. It was so fun! There were so many great pieces of jewelry that called me by my first name. They would call out from the case, "Hello, I am real ivory, and I would look stunning around your neck. You should take me home......take me home this instant!" It was so hard to resist, but I passed all of them up, and made my way to a clothing booth in the back of the store.

Stepping into the booth was like stepping back in time. My eyes immediately spotted a light colored Mink coat that was in excellent condition. I ripped it off the hanger and tried it on. Too big! Crap! I need a mink so bad....you just have no idea.....it gets cold enough to wear those Elmer Fudd hats up here in the winter......Fur is a must for warmth in these here parts. I walked out of the clothing booth with the mink on my body, and a Jakie O pillbox hat on my head. I found my mom, and said, "what do you think?" She laughed along with the shop owners. She came back to the boutique and was shocked to see such a beautiful mink for sale. She made me take it off so she could give it a try. It totally fit her perfect, so she knew what she had to do. There was no price on the coat, so we enlisted the help of the desk ladies. They came back to the booth to my mom in the mink coat and pillbox hat, and to me dressed in a sheared beaver bolero, neck scarf , and a red pillbox hat. They loved it! The coat wasn't marked, but we found out it was $165! What! For a real mink coat??? My mom asked if they would take $100, and they said yes. She said, "sold", and that was that! She now had a new mink coat to wear to and from the gate at her house in Texas when she takes the camouflage golf cart down to the gate in the mornings to get the paper. Ridiculous!

After the purchase of the century, we headed to Wellesley to check out the fru fru consignment shops. I wanted to see if they had any great bags that needed to belong to us. Last time I scored a beautiful lambskin Prada bag, and a pink Bottega Veneta bag for mear pennies! We had high tea at a small tea shop, and then headed to the store. All that tea made a pregnant girl have to tinkle so I had to ask the shop owner if I could use there crappy little bathroom in the storage room. They like me there, so they said of course. Once I got into the bathroom I noticed they needed a new role of toilet paper, so I got one out, took the old one off, and put the new one on just the way it should be. All the while, I thought to myself, "how nice am I right now, I could totally just use a new role and place it on top of the old role, but no......I'm going the extra mile to do the right thing." Feeling good about my secret good deed, and feeling much better with an empty bladder, I headed to the sink to wash my hands.

As I was washing my hands, I noticed a very loud noise coming from the toilet, so I looked over to see what the hell was going on.....that is when the horror ensued! There was water shooting out of the back of the toilet!!!!! I had never seen anything like it! I mean, don't get me wrong, I've seen the water rise helplessly in the bowl in a attempt to overflow and ruin the floor, but I have never seen it shooting out of the back of the toilet! I freaked! I knew that the water should be turned off at the wall, but the floor was totally flooded by this point, and I was wearing my suede Tod's loafers. They would be ruined if I tried to shut the water off! I ran out of the bathroom, and told the shop lady that there was water running out of the toilet. She said, "oh, you have to jiggle the handle sometimes." I said, "NO, you don't understand, water is shooting out the back and onto the floor!" She dropped the Hermes Scarf that she was tagging and ran for the bathroom. She shouted and screamed when she saw the flooded floor. She turned off the water at the wall, and then continued to panic and scream things like, "my new floor, my new floor." She was referring to the new faux hardwood floor that was in the store....not the bathroom. The bathroom/store room was laminate. She was dancing around in the water like a chicken with it's head cut off, and I was thinking to myself....."lady, there are 32 rolls of paper towels on that metal shelf across from the toilet....that is where I would start. I suggested it, and she then grabbed them and shooed me away.

I walked sheepishly away to the counter with that, "I am so sorry I just flooded your bathroom" look on my face. You know, teeth together, mouth in a "oops" kind of frown. The other lady said that it wasn't my fault, and said something about a sweaty workman that was in there earlier. Also feeling horrible and somewhat obligated to do something was my sweet mom. She went over to see if she could lend a hand, and saw the shop owner standing in water almost to the top of her sandal clad foot. She felt compelled to assure her that since the water was shooting out of the back of the toilet that she was most likely not standing in "tinkle". I wanted to die! The lady now had a plunger with a huge orange cone on the end, and was plunging the toilet. My mom mentioned yet again that she can be relieved that she wasn't standing in "tinkle". I died another death!

The lady concluded that I had used too much toilet paper, and that is why the toilet over flowed. I saw it with my own eyes! It didn't "overflow". It was possessed by the devil, and let's not forget that I am environmentally conscious, and I don't waste paper....toilet paper included. I just went #1.....there is no way some English Breakfast tea and about 4 squares of toilet paper could do such damage. However, she was convinced I used as much toilet paper as that stupid little bear on the toilet paper commercial, and she hated me.

After lingering for a bit, we decided there was nothing more that could be done, and it was best for us to just leave, so we did just that. I have some clothes there on consignment, but I don't dare call to see how they are doing, and when I will get my check. I might just wait it out, and see if I get one in the next month or two. How humiliating. My status has gone from "cute pregnant girl who brightens our day" to "Big fat bitch of a pregnant girl who ruined the store room by wiping with a whole roll of toilet paper."

In the words of Rachel Zoe, "I die....I die right now".