Shitty Floor

Never in my life did I think that I would be cleaning up human feces from my bedroom floor, but I can now cross that one off of the list of, "things I never thought would have to do." This list is getting quite full these days. I have now crossed off the following: Live in a house with a window unit, Live in a log cabin with no bathtub or Starbucks in sight, Wear sweatpants 45% of the week, Go without washing my hair for 5 days like a wilderness contestant. And, low and behold, I have now crossed off, "clean up human feces from the bedroom floor" off of my list.

Pigpen did have some really raunchy runs yesterday. All day long he would walk by and just reek of sewage! Poor little thing was just Hershey squirting in his pants all day long. Luckily we escaped this smelly business when we were at the Library for Story Time. Especially since he walked around like a sweet little social butterfly to all the moms and kids as I sat in my spot mentally kicking my own ass for wearing a short summer dress and my Hunter wellies to damn story time where you sit, stand, sit, stand, chase your child, act like a walrus. By far, not the best costume for the day. I will say that it was cute though. I was inspired by a parenting magazine I got last year. The girl on the front was wearing a short flowey cotton summer dress with a cute trench, long socks, and some fabulous wellies, so I decided to recreate my own version. Cute Navy blue cotton dress with ruffled cap sleeves, long green socks that had hot pink strawberries on them, and then my dark purple Hunter wellies; all topped off with a empire waisted summer trench. Soooo cute, until you have to sit on the floor with your child at story time. Dammit! I'm sure the other mother's have there own opinions of me. At least my kid is cute and sweet and he smiles at everyone. At one point, all the kids were in their mother's laps, but Pigpen was in the middle of the circle swaying back and forth to the band in his head and smiling like a sweet little baby angel. I was sitting off to the side with a proud smile and no child in my lap, just my trench.

After story time, we headed to a nice restaurant for a hamburger and fries. He was surprisingly good there too. I am thankful that he waited until we got home to blow ass. That night we went to our neighbors for dinner since my husband is in Germany yet again. Okay, here's the part wear I tell you if you are a killer or murderer reading my blog. Don't get any ideas! I lock the doors, booby trap the house, set the alarm, and sleep with bear mace and a double barrel shotgun within reach, so don't even think about bothering us. I am the daughter of an ex DPS officer from Texas who was a member of the National Pistol Team, and yes, when I was 6 all I wanted for my birthday was a Red Rider BB Gun, so the message here is, Don't fuck with this fashionista. Okay, now that we have that out of the way......oh wait, I forgot to mention that my neighbors love me and the man never sleeps. He once shot a man's dog for messing with their chickens, so don't think they won't open a bottle of New England Country Time WHOOP ASS on you if you try and infiltrate our sweet little cove. Whew! That was for you mom.

So we ate dinner at the neighbors, and took them up on their, "you can bathe the baby over here," offer. I went back to the house to change Pigpen's runny pants, and get all of his bath stuff together. He had just pooped and peed, so I decided to just put him in his little Frette robe with no diaper. I mean, what are the chances of him pooping again? Well, they were better than I thought! I was changing out of my cute little dress and into sweatpants as I looked over at the Pig. He was having a great time in his sweet little robe. He was rearranging all of my Uggs. While he was playing with some of my favorite footwear, I noticed something on the back of his leg. I looked closer and was absolutely horrified!!!!! It was shit! And then, before I could get to him, I saw a big pile of it fall out from under the Frette robe onto the floor!!! It was now on his leg and on the floor in a little steaming pile....just like a cow! I screamed and then looked at my UGGS. They looked safe, so I scooped him up and carried him carefully over to the changing table. The robe came out unscathed, but my arm did not fare so well, and the changing pad was doomed for sure. There was shit everywhere!!!

I cleaned him up and then put him in his crib so I could go into the room and tend to the steaming pile of doo. I grabbed some toilet paper and flushed the nastiness, and then disinfected the area with some Lysol. I feel like it still smells like crap! Thank God my Uggs survived. I think I would die if I had to clean shit off of my light sand colored favorite cozy boots. Who gets to clean crap off of the bedroom floor? Oh wait! I do.