Blue Ginger

Last night we decided to celebrate my husband's Birthday and Valentine's Day at the same time. We had a Birthentine Celebration.  It was so fun!  My husband's boss recommended Ming Tsai's restaurant called Blue Ginger.  I called for reservations, but no dice.  They did have a newly renovated Lounge that served tapas and a small selection of entrees.  The lady on the phone was extremely nice and helpful, and told me that we would possibly have good luck with that.  I was in!

I wanted to look nice for my hubby since I mostly have on "lounge wear" that inevitably has crusty little snot smears on both shoulders from the Pig.  I decided that the Birthentine dinner would be the perfect opportunity to break out the new D&G pencil skirt and the fishnet Spanks that have been sitting in my closet since two Halloweens ago.  I wore a a black sheer top with oversized sleeves and modern tailoring, the fabulous Dolce pencil skirt, the fishnets, and some great Stuart Weitzman pumps.  Chanel bag, slate grey pashmina, and a short Audreyesque wool coat.  

It was the night before Valentine's Day, so I didn't think I would be overdressed.  I was.  The restaurant was really nice, but most of the patrons had on sensible flat soled ugly shoes, chinos, and North Face coats....gross!  Dress up Bostonians!  Talbots is not that fancy!  Anyway, I should mention that the skirt I was wearing has an exposed zipper in the back that runs from the top to the bottom.  Thus, you zip it up to put it on, and it has another zipper head that goes from the bottom of the skirt that you can zip up as well.  So, you can pull the lower zipper head down for a snug, "can't really walk that well" look, or you can zip it up for a, "okay I can actually take a step" look.  I had it zipped up just about 3 inches.  The skirt is a long knee length pencil skirt that fits like a glove. 

Okay, so, we got to the restaurant, and found a place at the bar.....the bar was small and super crowded, so the nice Bostonian patrons had to move a bit to make room for us which was really nice.  I climbed onto the bar stool gingerly with my tight skirt, and we sat there for about a minute before I realized that there was an unusual breeze in my assul region.  I decided to check the zipper on my skirt and that is when I wanted to DIE!!!  

The bottom zipper had zipped all the way up to mid crack!  OMG!  There were 3 tables of diners behind me!  OMG!  I quickly levitated for a few seconds and was able to pull the zipper down to at least under my ass!  Holy Shit!  Who saw, could they all see?  I was dying!  I told my husband that my ass had just been hanging out for a good minute or so, and he responded with a giggled, "oh no".  

I wonder if anyone would have told me, or if they would have just sat there and talked about me?  Thank God I had on the fishnet Spanks!  They have a black control top on them that looks like black biker shorts......thank God!  Can you imagine if my thong clad ass was just hanging out on the stool for all of the chino wearers to see?  Die!

My embarrassment was all but forgotten when Ming Tsai walked out.  I was so excited to see him that I looked at him like I knew him......well, I did, I used to watch East Meets West when I was in college.  He came over to talk since he thought he was supposed to know who I was.  I didn't tell him that I was the overdressed chick that almost flashed her ass to his Lounge-goers. We had a nice little chat with him and ordered what he suggested.  It was fabulous!  I am a new fan of his restaurant.  We will definitely go back, and I will dress just as nice.....because it's what you should do!  However, I learned a good lesson about the Dolce pencil skirt.  Do not wear it out dancing.  That could be way worse than any barstool mishap!

Another Friend

Okay, I should get an award for picking up chicks around town.  I met yet another fun potential friend at Whole Foods.  I had to call my dad after the monumental event since he was impressed by the clientele when he came to visit me in the fall.  He said, "well, it seems like you might meet a decent person in here.  This is the first place we've seen some normal looking people."  Oh dad, gotta love him.

Well, here's how it went down.  There we were, me and Pig, in the baby food isle, checking out the organic baby food in a real glass jar.  We saw a cute young girl about my age looking at the jarred meats with her sweet little girl on her hip.  I asked her if she has tried any of the smashed meat. What a line.....i am so smooth.  It worked!  I was really curious.......really!  I mean, those things are disgusting, and if another mother has any advice on how to get the little ones interested....I'm all ears. 

We started to chat, and I learned that her daughter was 10 months old, and soooo adorable. Definitely a potential lady friend for the Pig.  She was so cool, so of course I gave her my number.   I really need to get some business cards made that say, Name, Email, Phone, and looking for some lunching buddies, and possible play dates that don't involve germ infested slum houses. 

Her little girl ate the piece of paper with my name and number on it, but no worries.  I put her number in my phone and saved it this time.  I also called her from my phone, so she can't turn back!  We might take baby swimming lessons together!  I am so excited!  

Well, gotta run!  Meeting the husband for lunch!  Tootles!

Stupid Parties

Here is my question.......

Why do I have to go to a stupid skin care party, or discovery toys party, or some other stupid, please buy my shit party to go out and be social?  Is this just a sign of our times?  Or.....is this just where I live now?  Small town America.

I was so excited to get out last night and go to a party with girls and wine.  I met this really cool girl at the airport and begged her to be my friend.  I swear, I feel like a creepy dude that hangs out at bars to meet girls, except, I'm not creepy, and I'm usually at the mall or supermarket.  

So, I get to her house and was pleasantly relieved to find a really cool normal girl that I actually had things in common with, and to make things even better....she had a cool husband!  Great! We could actually have them over for dinner and have a good time.  

We hung out at her house for a while, and then went to the party.  The party was full of girls, aka, potential besties, so I was really excited to walk in and have some great little conversations.  So, I'm about to get a glass of wine, and the chick that is running the party pulls me away to try the sea salt scrub on my hands.  She took me over to the sink and swore I would think of her in the morning as I woke up with silken sea salt scrubbed hands.  Well, it is the morning, but I'm not thinking "Oh Amy, that scrub was fantastic! My hands feel like a newborn ass!".  I'm thinking, Amy, why did you have to monopolize the party goers and the time spent away from Pig and the babysitter?  Why did I have to listen to you talk about the great opportunities with this stupid pyramid scheme company and these overpriced organic skin care products?  

I'm sure the products are nice, but they were expensive, and there was no ingredient list for anything.  I even asked Amy, and she told me that the description was in the brochure.  The description for the toner I was interested in said something like, "witch hazel, various RE9 products, and other great scientific things that we can not explain to you.  What!  I love how they put random letters and numbers in the description to make it sound more medicinal and legit. 

They obviously didn't know that they were dealing with a former pharmaceutical genius who wants to know more than what they tell you in the fancy number and organic word infested sales pitch.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking people who make their money with Avon, or Mary Kay, or Arbonne, but I would like to just go to a damn cocktail party and not feel guilty about buying something that I don't need.  

I stood strong.  I was going to buy the toner, but I didn't like the way it smelled.  You can't tell me that the orange smell is only from oranges......I don't buy it...literally....ha!  And, no one could tell me what was in it.  All I could hear in the back of my head when she was talking about the eye cream, and how it made your face tingle, and totally filled in your wrinkles was my sister-in-law Ellen.  She would chalk that up to a temporary contact dermatitis that is reacting to your skin in a negative way to puff it up for half an hour or so.  Gross!  

The truth is, you can't reverse the signs of aging.  Oh, and to add insult to injury, the moisturizer of this miracle anti-aging line only had SPF 8 in it.  That was purely because if they had more SPF it would change the composition of the formula and not be as great!  Whatever! We need SPF, and we need lots of it, everyday!  That is the secret to beautiful skin.  Ask any plastic surgeon or dermatologist, and they will tell you exactly that.  

So, here's the deal.  I wish I had more friends here so I could just have a girls only cocktail party.  You would come and have food and wine, and get this, you wouldn't have to go to the ATM first because you forgot your stupid checkbook! You wouldn't have to feel obligated to buy anything, or have your own party so the hostess can get the fabulous gift package worth $X! You could just come and talk about girl things, and eat girl food, and have a great girl time!    

Dirty Dirty Snatchatorium

So, I went to PA to see the in-laws and got to spend some quality time with my two sisters-in-law, and my future sister-in-law.  We had a much needed girls night out on the town.  The town was York, PA, and the night was Saturday.

The dress code was casual....I brought a Vera Wang wool dress with some black slingback heels, but that just stayed in the bag when I realized that my one sister-in-law was going to wear her beige cozy crocks out to the bar.  I decided I might be a bit overdressed and not to mention cold in the fabu dress.  So, I donned a pair of Seven for all Mankind Jeans, blue tank, black free flowing Saks cardigan, chartreuse scarf, some chartreuse Borne boots, and some big plastic Jessica Khan bangles.  

I put Pig in his PJ's and headed out the door for a fun night of girl talk and cocktails!  Let me just say, I couldn't have been with a better group of girls.  They are all so fabulous and funny! We had a great time!  First bar we came to was a restaurant/bar full of locals.  Needless to say, we were gawked at as soon as we walked in.  We were getting those, "they don't live here, I wonder who they are," stares.  Then, they saw Emily's crocs, and thought, okay, maybe she lives here, but the other three....hmmm, maybe they are shooting a movie here that I'm unaware of.  Okay, maybe I'm getting a little carried away with my thinking of what others were thinking....it's fun though.

Anyway, so the night started off with dirty Grey Goose martinis for me, and vodka sodas for the other two girls.  Ellen was the responsible coffee drinking DD.  Love her for that!  She doesn't have to drink to have a good time.......I wanted to drink my face off!

Good time at the first bar.  We met the server that my husband's step mom, Trish, thought would be a good bartender for Michelle's wedding. We deemed him a doucebag burglar, and was thanked later by Trish for checking up.  

We went to the second bar, an Irish Pub.  It was a hoppin little joint that served York's classiest 30 somethings.  It was a great place.  There was one dude with a guitar singing in the joint.  I felt compelled to sing with him as I was walking to the bathroom.  He was singing Walking in Memphis.....hello!  I lived in Mempho for 11 years....I love that song.  I was singing and walking, so he motioned me up.  I sang a few verses with him, and then went to the bathroom.....in my pants!  Okay, not really, but that would have been funny!

We were feeling good, and having a great time, so we wanted desperately to shake our money makers.  Emily, the Croc wearer, could only think of two places to dance.  One involved fat girls dancing in cages.....bring it, and the other was a bar called the Hardware Bar.  We went to the cage dancing joint, and weren't allowed in since it was 16-20 night!  What!  A saturday night! Where were we!?  So, on to the Hardware Bar.  Michelle paid our cover of $5 each, and in we went.

I walked in expecting to hear beautiful danceable rap tunes, but instead there was a terrible metal band.  Gross!  Also, people were smoking in this bar!  Double Gross!  Then, I went up to the bar to get drinks, and the Gothy Pigtail wearing pierce faced wafe of a bartender gave me my drink in a shitty little clear plastic cup!  Extra totally gross!  There was a black dude in a wheel chair that had been modified for bar hopping.  Ellen was sure that was the result of gang violence.  Where were we?

The music sucked, but I was determined to dance, so I started to "space dance".  Space dancing is when you dance around the bar stopping only for a few seconds in open spots as you continue to "break it down".  So, I slipped on, I don't know, pee, vomit, a spilled beer, or maybe some dip spit, and accidentally hit some scank ass ho on the head with my fabulous bangles.  I apologized profusely as she turned around and said with her gold tooth mouth, "oh no you dient just hit me in the head!".  I said, "I'm so sorry, I did not mean to do that...I'm really sorry."  

I went back over to my posse and reported the incident and the profuse hatred felt from the smelly pirate hooker.  Just as I came back some boys were telling us that they "had our backs" if those girls tried to start any shit.  I remember thinking....good, that's a good thing.......where are we!?  

So, I was grabbing my Chanel bag back from Ellen as we were all deciding that the bar was a meth magnet that we really had no business attending.......and that's when it happened!

I was surrounded by seven sewer bitches who all wanted to kick my college educated ass.  They were all white girls.....some with gold teeth, some with no teeth.  One of them had on a hanes white t-shirt jeans and Timberland boots.  She was the scariest, and she hated me!  I decided to appologize again for accidentally bumping into their friend, but they didn't seem to care.  As soon as I said, "I'm really sorry,"  they were chest bumping us and saying, "oh you want to say sorry....you're sorry,  yeah, you betta be sorry."  I was like....yeah, um.....we are.  What!?

We made it out alive!  They decided that we weren't worth it!  We told the bouncer as we were leaving that he needed to hold back the smelly pirate hookers if they were going to try and follow us......we needed at least a head start!  

Back in the safety of Ellen's car....we laughed, we hugged, we were just happy to be alive and drug free!  So, the moral of the story is, don't trust a girl who is wearing cozy crocs to take you to a cool dance club!  :)  I love you Ems!  :)