The dress code was casual....I brought a Vera Wang wool dress with some black slingback heels, but that just stayed in the bag when I realized that my one sister-in-law was going to wear her beige cozy crocks out to the bar. I decided I might be a bit overdressed and not to mention cold in the fabu dress. So, I donned a pair of Seven for all Mankind Jeans, blue tank, black free flowing Saks cardigan, chartreuse scarf, some chartreuse Borne boots, and some big plastic Jessica Khan bangles.
I put Pig in his PJ's and headed out the door for a fun night of girl talk and cocktails! Let me just say, I couldn't have been with a better group of girls. They are all so fabulous and funny! We had a great time! First bar we came to was a restaurant/bar full of locals. Needless to say, we were gawked at as soon as we walked in. We were getting those, "they don't live here, I wonder who they are," stares. Then, they saw Emily's crocs, and thought, okay, maybe she lives here, but the other three....hmmm, maybe they are shooting a movie here that I'm unaware of. Okay, maybe I'm getting a little carried away with my thinking of what others were thinking....it's fun though.
Anyway, so the night started off with dirty Grey Goose martinis for me, and vodka sodas for the other two girls. Ellen was the responsible coffee drinking DD. Love her for that! She doesn't have to drink to have a good time.......I wanted to drink my face off!
Good time at the first bar. We met the server that my husband's step mom, Trish, thought would be a good bartender for Michelle's wedding. We deemed him a doucebag burglar, and was thanked later by Trish for checking up.
We went to the second bar, an Irish Pub. It was a hoppin little joint that served York's classiest 30 somethings. It was a great place. There was one dude with a guitar singing in the joint. I felt compelled to sing with him as I was walking to the bathroom. He was singing Walking in Memphis.....hello! I lived in Mempho for 11 years....I love that song. I was singing and walking, so he motioned me up. I sang a few verses with him, and then went to the bathroom.....in my pants! Okay, not really, but that would have been funny!
We were feeling good, and having a great time, so we wanted desperately to shake our money makers. Emily, the Croc wearer, could only think of two places to dance. One involved fat girls dancing in cages.....bring it, and the other was a bar called the Hardware Bar. We went to the cage dancing joint, and weren't allowed in since it was 16-20 night! What! A saturday night! Where were we!? So, on to the Hardware Bar. Michelle paid our cover of $5 each, and in we went.
I walked in expecting to hear beautiful danceable rap tunes, but instead there was a terrible metal band. Gross! Also, people were smoking in this bar! Double Gross! Then, I went up to the bar to get drinks, and the Gothy Pigtail wearing pierce faced wafe of a bartender gave me my drink in a shitty little clear plastic cup! Extra totally gross! There was a black dude in a wheel chair that had been modified for bar hopping. Ellen was sure that was the result of gang violence. Where were we?
The music sucked, but I was determined to dance, so I started to "space dance". Space dancing is when you dance around the bar stopping only for a few seconds in open spots as you continue to "break it down". So, I slipped on, I don't know, pee, vomit, a spilled beer, or maybe some dip spit, and accidentally hit some scank ass ho on the head with my fabulous bangles. I apologized profusely as she turned around and said with her gold tooth mouth, "oh no you dient just hit me in the head!". I said, "I'm so sorry, I did not mean to do that...I'm really sorry."
I went back over to my posse and reported the incident and the profuse hatred felt from the smelly pirate hooker. Just as I came back some boys were telling us that they "had our backs" if those girls tried to start any shit. I remember thinking....good, that's a good thing.......where are we!?
So, I was grabbing my Chanel bag back from Ellen as we were all deciding that the bar was a meth magnet that we really had no business attending.......and that's when it happened!
I was surrounded by seven sewer bitches who all wanted to kick my college educated ass. They were all white girls.....some with gold teeth, some with no teeth. One of them had on a hanes white t-shirt jeans and Timberland boots. She was the scariest, and she hated me! I decided to appologize again for accidentally bumping into their friend, but they didn't seem to care. As soon as I said, "I'm really sorry," they were chest bumping us and saying, "oh you want to say sorry....you're sorry, yeah, you betta be sorry." I was like....yeah, um.....we are. What!?
We made it out alive! They decided that we weren't worth it! We told the bouncer as we were leaving that he needed to hold back the smelly pirate hookers if they were going to try and follow us......we needed at least a head start!
Back in the safety of Ellen's car....we laughed, we hugged, we were just happy to be alive and drug free! So, the moral of the story is, don't trust a girl who is wearing cozy crocs to take you to a cool dance club! :) I love you Ems! :)
1 comment:
absolutely the funniest thing i've read in a while... but then again, all i read is "scholarly work." boring. thanks for the laugh. keep writing. this is definitley jennifer weiner stuff.
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