So after the huge fart, my parents showed up, and that was the first thing that came out of my mouth......no I didn't fart out of my mouth, but I felt compelled to tell them of my embarrassment. My dad's response was, "was it a good one?" My husband laughed, and my mom tried to look shocked and embarrassed as to say that we don't usually do that. Well, if you know me, you know that we usually do, but I wasn't feeling close enough to my male nurse for him to know that yet.
Anyway, so my dad did ask if I was sure that it wasn't my phone that farted.......hmmmmm......why didn't I think of that!? I downloaded the Atomic Fart app onto my IPhone as soon as I walked out of the AT&T store, so I totally could have blamed it on that. Dammit! I showed Ed the app, and he thought it was great! We decided to play a trick on my straight laced doctor when he came in to check my cervix. If I remember correctly we pulled the "Sleeper" out for him. He tried to act like he didn't hear it, but then knew something was up when Ed and I were dying laughing! Surprisingly he had the same app on his IPhone, and was prepared to retaliate, but his wouldn't pull up. :)
After that, it was time to mess with the anesthesiologist. My contractions were getting to the unbearable point, and my husband reminded me that pain was not necessary, and Ed reminded me that it would take about 30 minuted for the Anesthesiologist to get to our floor with all of his stuff. I decided to cave and ask for the deadening. Supposedly this guy was a real jokster, and would love some fart noises, so we made a plan! I was up for anything that would take my mind off of the pain that had now moved up on the pain scale to a level 8. He strolled in with his "cart o drugs", and asked me if I had ever had an epidural before....that's when I gave him the sleeper. It was perfection! I did it right when he told me to lean forward.......it was sooo loud and awesome! He stopped dead in his tracks, and then we couldn't help it....we died laughing! He loved it! In fact, he thought it was so funny, he told some funny story the entire time he was giving me my epidural. I remember last time the man was very quiet and serious, and told me things like, "now you will feel a little sting, and some burning, and now a cold rush." This guys, well, he just told jokes. I don't remember any of them because I was having contractions that I could still feel at this point.
I love it when it's time to get your epidural, and it's imperative that you stay absolutely still when they are inserting the giant needle on top of your spinal cord. This is always so easy to do when you are having a terrible level 8 contraction that makes you want to shit twice and die. Thank goodness Ed was there to hold me like a straight jacket as he pushed my shoulders down and helped me round out my back for the massive injection.
After that, they had me lay on my side and wait for the drugs to do their thing. This was when my parents and my brother stepped out for some lunch. I tried to take a nap, but I could still feel everything on my right side.....left side, not so much, but right side......sucked! Ed had me turn over on my other side in hopes that this would redirect the drugs into the right side of my body.....so I laid there......in pain......it didn't work. This was when things got a little scary. Zady's heart rate was dropping way too low during every contraction. I knew it was serious when Dr. B showed up in my room trying to act like he wasn't short of breath from the long sprint through the hospital. They didn't tell me much, they just made me put on an oxygen mask and concentrate on my breathing. Ed also thought it was a good idea to have be sit up. I was much more comfortable that way, and Zady was much happier that way too. Her heart rate was still dropping a bit, but not quite as much.
After the adornment of the mask, they checked me out and decided that I could push soon. That's when Ed gave me the "choice". Wiggle the needle in my back in hopes of redirecting some of the drug into the right side, push, or have the anesthesiologist come back and give me epidural number two. I decided to try the wiggle, and it didn't work, so we had the dude come back for a drug repair. The jokester was gone by this point, so we had a newer, younger guy come in who was much more serious. He did say, as soon as he walked in, "I heard about you!" He was fully prepared to get messed with, but I was kind of in no mood since I was having an easy labor only on one side of my body.
He had me sit up, and we tried the whole thing again. He was really nice, and totally prepared to give the first guy some shit for messing up my epidural. He said, "you are in good shape, and you aren't 300 pounds, so there is no excuse for the first one to not work." Apparently the first guy was "the epidural man" who never messes up, and looks down on those who do, so he was going to get it for sure from everyone.
So, after my second epidural, I was finally ready to push. Ed sat me up as high as he could and told me to get my game face on. Right as we started the first push Salt and Pepper's Ah Push It started on my Ipod. It was perfection! I pushed about three times before they put my legs in the leg canals and called in the "welder", I mean, Doctor. He totally looked like a welder with his full face clear welding mask. It's enough to make a poor girl think she's going to explode and the baby is going to shoot out across the room with the placenta in tow......okay, that was really gross, but so true.
I pushed two more times, and there she was! I didn't even have time to break a sweat! She was so beautiful and fabulous! She weighed 7pds 15oz, and she was 20 inches long. Her head was nice and round, and she didn't even look that much like an ugly alien newborn. I loved every second of her when they handed her to me. Ahhhhh, childbirth......how blissful! Huh!
And thus starts the aftermath.........
Friday, January 29, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Special Delivery
Hi everyone! I'm back! It's Sunday night, and I had the beautifully fabulous Zady Wren on Monday at 3:26 in the afternoon. That's right; the delivery was fast and furious, and everything that I hoped for. It all started with a fabulous dinner at my favorite restaurant, Uchi. It's a swanky sushi bar in Austin that is always crowded and always delicious. I strolled in dressed in my fab coat with my beautiful little Chanel bag over my shoulder ready to eat sushi and champagne. We sat at the sushi bar and ordered tons of wonderful rolls from Justin the sushi maker. I had a glass of my favorite bubbly, and was glad that my back was turned to most of the restaurant patrons since I was obviously pregnant in the sushi bar drinking a glass of champagne. I did feel like I was getting the stink eye from people, but really in truly the patrons in that establishment would most likely champion my last meal.
After that we headed to Georgetown to spend the night with my Aunt and Uncle. I got some pretty good sleep on their tempurpedic mattress, and woke up to an exciting day. There was only one hiccup in the morning. My aunt told me that she usually eats cereal over plain oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast.....sounds yum, so I totally looked forward to it. I woke up, got dressed: makeup, hair, cute outfit, and then headed to the kitchen where I was met with the explosive diarrhea breakfast of champions. The cereal was Fiber One, the yogurt was Activia, and the blueberries, well......those were the only non "help you shit" food in that concoction. I smiled and thought, oh well, I guess I won't be the first. I've never had Activia before, and I don't need to eat Fiber One, so I was a bit concerned, and wondered if I should warn my nurse of the impending explosion that could take place. Hmmmm.
We got the hospital and were checked in by the two nicest ladies in the world. Their excitement was palpable, and it was like it was jumping off of them and landing on me. By the time we got up to the Delivery Floor I was like a giddy little girl, well, a giddy big girl. We walked by the desk and were greeted with a friendly familiar smile. It was Ed, the man that we requested to deliver Pigpen. He did our hospital tour over a year ago, and we really loved him. As we walked past him, I thought to myself, "I would be the luckiest girl in the world if I could have him as my nurse." I figured it was definitely not going to happen, and that some other lucky girl had already snatched him up. An Asian lady greeted us as we we emerged from the security door, and motioned us into our room like an tour guide from Disney. She mumbled something in broken English, and I thought, "oh good Lord please don't give me a nurse that I can't understand." The Lord heard me and in popped Ed. She introduced him like he was a celebrity in labor and delivery, and we were both sooooo happy.
We took a few funny photos as our excitement levels grew and grew....Ed came in the room when I was laid out on the windowsill in a sitting position, with legs out, one knee up, arms behind my back supporting me, just like my 8th grade basketball picture. He laughed and insisted on taking a photo of the two of us before I had to change into the fabulous designer hospital gown. Once you put on that gown you start to realize the heaviness of the situation, and the reality of the task at hand. That's when it really starts to set in that you have to push a small child out of your hooha.
So, I was laying in the bed answering some questions about my medical history and general info.......no IV yet, no drugs, no excuses. I say no excuses because I was laying there and answering questions when one of the loudest most horrible farts slipped out with no warning. My eyes grew big, my heart beat kicked up a few notches, and I could feel my face growing hotter and hotter. I couldn't ignore it, and neither could he! It was so ridiculously loud! I looked at him with my wide eyed red face and said, "holy crap! Excuse me......that was terrible." He said, "don't worry, it happens all the time." I responded with a, "yeah, but not to me....I don't usually just fart in public like an 80 year old man." I was absolutely mortified.......I was laughing and my eyes were welling up with tears as the embarrassment and hilarity of the situation set in. That really set the tone for the day..........the giant loud fart!!!!
After that we headed to Georgetown to spend the night with my Aunt and Uncle. I got some pretty good sleep on their tempurpedic mattress, and woke up to an exciting day. There was only one hiccup in the morning. My aunt told me that she usually eats cereal over plain oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast.....sounds yum, so I totally looked forward to it. I woke up, got dressed: makeup, hair, cute outfit, and then headed to the kitchen where I was met with the explosive diarrhea breakfast of champions. The cereal was Fiber One, the yogurt was Activia, and the blueberries, well......those were the only non "help you shit" food in that concoction. I smiled and thought, oh well, I guess I won't be the first. I've never had Activia before, and I don't need to eat Fiber One, so I was a bit concerned, and wondered if I should warn my nurse of the impending explosion that could take place. Hmmmm.
We got the hospital and were checked in by the two nicest ladies in the world. Their excitement was palpable, and it was like it was jumping off of them and landing on me. By the time we got up to the Delivery Floor I was like a giddy little girl, well, a giddy big girl. We walked by the desk and were greeted with a friendly familiar smile. It was Ed, the man that we requested to deliver Pigpen. He did our hospital tour over a year ago, and we really loved him. As we walked past him, I thought to myself, "I would be the luckiest girl in the world if I could have him as my nurse." I figured it was definitely not going to happen, and that some other lucky girl had already snatched him up. An Asian lady greeted us as we we emerged from the security door, and motioned us into our room like an tour guide from Disney. She mumbled something in broken English, and I thought, "oh good Lord please don't give me a nurse that I can't understand." The Lord heard me and in popped Ed. She introduced him like he was a celebrity in labor and delivery, and we were both sooooo happy.
We took a few funny photos as our excitement levels grew and grew....Ed came in the room when I was laid out on the windowsill in a sitting position, with legs out, one knee up, arms behind my back supporting me, just like my 8th grade basketball picture. He laughed and insisted on taking a photo of the two of us before I had to change into the fabulous designer hospital gown. Once you put on that gown you start to realize the heaviness of the situation, and the reality of the task at hand. That's when it really starts to set in that you have to push a small child out of your hooha.
So, I was laying in the bed answering some questions about my medical history and general info.......no IV yet, no drugs, no excuses. I say no excuses because I was laying there and answering questions when one of the loudest most horrible farts slipped out with no warning. My eyes grew big, my heart beat kicked up a few notches, and I could feel my face growing hotter and hotter. I couldn't ignore it, and neither could he! It was so ridiculously loud! I looked at him with my wide eyed red face and said, "holy crap! Excuse me......that was terrible." He said, "don't worry, it happens all the time." I responded with a, "yeah, but not to me....I don't usually just fart in public like an 80 year old man." I was absolutely mortified.......I was laughing and my eyes were welling up with tears as the embarrassment and hilarity of the situation set in. That really set the tone for the day..........the giant loud fart!!!!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Delivery Anxiety
So we are about to head to Austin for the Delivery. I just took a shower and put on the best costume for the day. I have on my really cute black sleeveless shirt from Destination Maternity. It has ruched sides and a ruffle collar that sticks up ever so fabulously. With that I have on my favorite maternity jeans, some turquoise Betsey Johnson socks, suede Ugg high heel clogs, and over it all I have my super chic Cadeau Brocade long maternity jacket; it is cream and gold, and so fab. Of course I will wear my rabbit fur scarf and off white lambskin Chanel wallet on a chain over top with my new plastic tortoise shell Ray Ban Aviators.
Don't worry, I'm not wearing this to the hospital. My husband and I are going up to Austin the night before the delivery to eat at Uchi and stay with my Aunt and Uncle in Georgetown. I'm just waiting for him to get out of the shower and then we are off on our journey. I did pack my bags, and I decided on one Ellen Tracy gown, a cozy robe, some fuzzy cozy socks, flip flops for the shower, a regular tank, a nursing tank, and one more PJ set. We will see if I actually wear any of that.
My arrival and departure outfit is about the same. Black Fila pants that are soooo comfy yet tight and flattering, Rose colored Michael Stars long sleeve T, and a cute black pleated trapeze jacket with a hood. My departure outfit is the same, but I plan on changing the shirt to a gray long sleeve Michael Stars that is a little more flowy. My rabbit fur Mukluk boots will be the footwear of choice. Hopefully Zady and I will walk out of there with our heads held high......well, mine will be held high, and hers will be supported by my left upper arm as we ride in the wheel chair down to the drop off area. High hopes folks....high hopes.
I guess right now I am sitting in my roller coaster car at the very tip top of the ride. I'm excited; I want to cry for no reason at all; I'm not wanting to leave Pigpen for three days; I'm trying not to think of pushing her out of my hooha. So many things are going through my head right now. This is why I have to concentrate on the costumes of the day. This helps with the anxiety. The anxiety of the unknown. I haven't been walking because I want her to come on Monday so my doctor can be there, but I can't help to wonder if I'm going to kick my ass when I get there tomorrow, and they tell me that I am still at 1cm. I wish I could check, but yeah right....not going there! I just hope everything goes smoothly and wonderfully.
I made a playlist for the day, but my best friend isn't going to be there. I am super bummed about that. We tried our hardest, but it just didn't work out....she is coming next weekend though. Last time she was the reason it was fun. We danced....well she danced, and I bobbed my head since I was numb from the waist down. We sang, we rapped, we laughed, and she coached me through the entire thing. She is going to start doing that for a living since she is so good at it. We will try and Skype, but it won't be the same.
My sweet husband called her yesterday for some pointers, but I don't even think he knows the words to "Push It" by Salt n Peppa, and well his dancing ability, let's just say......well......nothing. My friend Sara sent me a message of encouragement, and told me that I'm about to learn how to cook, pee, and walk around while I breastfeed this time since I have a 20 month old that is bound and determined to get into everything. I never walked around last time I nursed. Speaking of nursing.....I would like to apologize right now to my poor little nipples. They really have no idea, and I'm sure they have blocked it all out of both of their little minds. The Parana biting sessions of nursing past that is. They are about to get a rude rude awakening, and for that, I feel terrible. I would also like to apologize to my nether regions for whatever takes place tomorrow, and then I would lastly like to apologize to my sweet husband for having to see that and still love me as much as he did when we first met.
Oh the anxiety of the unknown......keep positive though. Tomorrow I am going in with a positive, no nonsense, get her done, kind of attitude. Game face will be on, and baby will come fast and fabulous. That is the plan!
Don't worry, I'm not wearing this to the hospital. My husband and I are going up to Austin the night before the delivery to eat at Uchi and stay with my Aunt and Uncle in Georgetown. I'm just waiting for him to get out of the shower and then we are off on our journey. I did pack my bags, and I decided on one Ellen Tracy gown, a cozy robe, some fuzzy cozy socks, flip flops for the shower, a regular tank, a nursing tank, and one more PJ set. We will see if I actually wear any of that.
My arrival and departure outfit is about the same. Black Fila pants that are soooo comfy yet tight and flattering, Rose colored Michael Stars long sleeve T, and a cute black pleated trapeze jacket with a hood. My departure outfit is the same, but I plan on changing the shirt to a gray long sleeve Michael Stars that is a little more flowy. My rabbit fur Mukluk boots will be the footwear of choice. Hopefully Zady and I will walk out of there with our heads held high......well, mine will be held high, and hers will be supported by my left upper arm as we ride in the wheel chair down to the drop off area. High hopes folks....high hopes.
I guess right now I am sitting in my roller coaster car at the very tip top of the ride. I'm excited; I want to cry for no reason at all; I'm not wanting to leave Pigpen for three days; I'm trying not to think of pushing her out of my hooha. So many things are going through my head right now. This is why I have to concentrate on the costumes of the day. This helps with the anxiety. The anxiety of the unknown. I haven't been walking because I want her to come on Monday so my doctor can be there, but I can't help to wonder if I'm going to kick my ass when I get there tomorrow, and they tell me that I am still at 1cm. I wish I could check, but yeah right....not going there! I just hope everything goes smoothly and wonderfully.
I made a playlist for the day, but my best friend isn't going to be there. I am super bummed about that. We tried our hardest, but it just didn't work out....she is coming next weekend though. Last time she was the reason it was fun. We danced....well she danced, and I bobbed my head since I was numb from the waist down. We sang, we rapped, we laughed, and she coached me through the entire thing. She is going to start doing that for a living since she is so good at it. We will try and Skype, but it won't be the same.
My sweet husband called her yesterday for some pointers, but I don't even think he knows the words to "Push It" by Salt n Peppa, and well his dancing ability, let's just say......well......nothing. My friend Sara sent me a message of encouragement, and told me that I'm about to learn how to cook, pee, and walk around while I breastfeed this time since I have a 20 month old that is bound and determined to get into everything. I never walked around last time I nursed. Speaking of nursing.....I would like to apologize right now to my poor little nipples. They really have no idea, and I'm sure they have blocked it all out of both of their little minds. The Parana biting sessions of nursing past that is. They are about to get a rude rude awakening, and for that, I feel terrible. I would also like to apologize to my nether regions for whatever takes place tomorrow, and then I would lastly like to apologize to my sweet husband for having to see that and still love me as much as he did when we first met.
Oh the anxiety of the unknown......keep positive though. Tomorrow I am going in with a positive, no nonsense, get her done, kind of attitude. Game face will be on, and baby will come fast and fabulous. That is the plan!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Packing the Bag
This has been looming over me for about a week and a half now. Dr. B told me that it is a good idea that I pack a bag for the hospital since I'm 1 centimeter dilated. How big is a centimeter anyway? I stayed at 2 centimeters for about 3 weeks last time, so who really knows. I do need to pack up my never full bag though. So here's the question......what the hell do I need?
I remember last time I packed up my shiny new Chanel diaper bag with so many unnecessary baby essentials. I think there was even a bottle in it.....how stupid! I also brought several outfits to wear in bed as I greeted all of my visitors. I had a cute new robe from Anthropologie, some fabulous little PJ pants embellished with coral flowers, also from Anthro, and so many other cute yet cozy tops to wear. Did I put one of them on? Hell no! I stayed in that hideous hospital gown the whole time. I loved it because I could shimmy my sore ass into the bathroom with no shoes on......the cute fluffy spa flip flops I brought were always on the wrong side of the bed when I had to go, so I was in a "fuck it" mood.....planters warts smanters warts....I could give a shit.
Anyway, I would shimmy into the nasty hospital potty and start the process. I would untie the nasty gown that some scank probably wore a week ago, then I would twirl it up and hoist it up around my neck like a scarf, then I would attempt to hover, then just give up, but it was great.....my neck was kept warm, and nothing had to touch the nasty floor except of course for my bare feet. I was in a fog the first night and the next day. I did shower and fix myself up, but I decided that I would stay in the mesh underwear and hospital gown for the duration.
It's hard when your world has been turned upside down. I had to push something way too big out of something way too small, and then I had my poor precious funbags attacked by a baby parana all whilst staying in a weird room that looked like a sad excuse for a Drury Inn. No sleep, no clue, no nursery.....it was crazy! Thus, I had way too many things that I didn't even use! I remember that my friend Amy brought me a cozy blanket...that was the best thing ever. The hospital room, though big and private was....well......a hospital room that had been updated years ago. The sheets were not Egyptian cotton, so the blanket was a Godsend. I liked having my robe to cover up the back of my fabulous hospital gown, and I liked having my own pillows.
Thus, what should go in the bag? So far I have a pair of flip flops, 3 Odwalla bars, some Medela Nipple cream, a sample of L'Occitane super rich moisturizer, a pair of socks, and a stupid moist towelette by Prada that I got for free, oh and I think there is a hotwheels or two in there from Pigpen. That doesn't sound like good planning does it?
I remember last time I packed up my shiny new Chanel diaper bag with so many unnecessary baby essentials. I think there was even a bottle in it.....how stupid! I also brought several outfits to wear in bed as I greeted all of my visitors. I had a cute new robe from Anthropologie, some fabulous little PJ pants embellished with coral flowers, also from Anthro, and so many other cute yet cozy tops to wear. Did I put one of them on? Hell no! I stayed in that hideous hospital gown the whole time. I loved it because I could shimmy my sore ass into the bathroom with no shoes on......the cute fluffy spa flip flops I brought were always on the wrong side of the bed when I had to go, so I was in a "fuck it" mood.....planters warts smanters warts....I could give a shit.
Anyway, I would shimmy into the nasty hospital potty and start the process. I would untie the nasty gown that some scank probably wore a week ago, then I would twirl it up and hoist it up around my neck like a scarf, then I would attempt to hover, then just give up, but it was great.....my neck was kept warm, and nothing had to touch the nasty floor except of course for my bare feet. I was in a fog the first night and the next day. I did shower and fix myself up, but I decided that I would stay in the mesh underwear and hospital gown for the duration.
It's hard when your world has been turned upside down. I had to push something way too big out of something way too small, and then I had my poor precious funbags attacked by a baby parana all whilst staying in a weird room that looked like a sad excuse for a Drury Inn. No sleep, no clue, no nursery.....it was crazy! Thus, I had way too many things that I didn't even use! I remember that my friend Amy brought me a cozy blanket...that was the best thing ever. The hospital room, though big and private was....well......a hospital room that had been updated years ago. The sheets were not Egyptian cotton, so the blanket was a Godsend. I liked having my robe to cover up the back of my fabulous hospital gown, and I liked having my own pillows.
Thus, what should go in the bag? So far I have a pair of flip flops, 3 Odwalla bars, some Medela Nipple cream, a sample of L'Occitane super rich moisturizer, a pair of socks, and a stupid moist towelette by Prada that I got for free, oh and I think there is a hotwheels or two in there from Pigpen. That doesn't sound like good planning does it?
Waste Not Want Not
Who said that anyway? What does it mean exactly? Are they really suggesting that you should never get anything new until your old thing runs out? If that's the case then my sweet little Zady Wren will be wearing PJ's with dump trucks on them. How traumatizing! I will say; it's not easy being a "green" fashionista. I try to not bring too many things into my house without taking some things out. Okay, that is mostly a steaming crock of poo, if I'm being totally honest, and well, it never really is "totally" is it? I will say that our little cabin in the woods is not palatial by any means, so by that, I am forced to be conservative.
I did find a nice resale shop in Boston that will take my clothes and sell them to others who will love them just as I did. Good bye white leather hobo bag by Coach that I bought in Chicago on the Magical Mile (or whatever the hell it's called). So long red furry Kate Spade that came from Saks several years ago....I know you had fabulous leopard lining, and you were very classy Jackie O looking, but bottom line is, you were just too itchy under the arm to stand, so someone else will love you just as I did....hopefully more. Note to self....call Resale shop about my check. I probably made $16. Always hope for the worst, that way, when it's really a check for $24.67 you can kick your Louboutin flats up in excitement!
You may wonder, what the hell I'm talking about? How did this come about? Well, I'll tell you! I want a damn IPhone so bad that I just can't stand it anymore!!!! I am about to have a baby in 9 days, and there is a nursing app, and a diapering app, and so many other apps that will make my new baby girl experience so much easier. I need it! I haven't bought it yet because I don't want my husband to think I am a spoiled brat that just needs more and more and more. We bought our Blackberry Pearls at the same time, but the back is falling off of mine, and there are several missing pieces....it, is an embarrassment to my new, just got for Christmas, white quilted Chanel wallet on a chain. My poor phone used to have a rubberized cover on it, but Pigpen managed to hide that somewhere in our house. I turned that damn place upside down to find it, but was not successful. This was back when he could only say, "car", so there was no sense in asking him where he put it. I'm sure I'll find it one day in a pair of boots or something.
Still, I want an IPhone!!! Did you know there is an app called IFart? It has 19 different fart noises to play at your leisure and literally laugh your ass off. I need that! My ass has grown considerably with this pregnancy, so not only will the IPhone help me keep track of my newborn's nursing schedule, it will help me get my small ass back.....booya! What more could he want. With a helpful mechanical friend to get me through the newborn fog of being a mom, and a smaller ass.....I will be way less bitchy. Oh, I hope he's reading this. If he is....maybe he will drive to the AT&T store right now and get me that damn phone!
You see, I can't ask him for it since I got the military style jacket that I wanted from Anthropologie for Christmas, and then there is the ever coveted, wanted it for at least a year now, tried to figure out several ways to weasel it out of him, White Lambskin Chanel Wallet on a Chain with the pewter chain strap and 255 closure. I love it beyond words!!! Don't tell him I am still obsessing over the Turquoise and gold Virgin Saints and Angels Rosary Necklace at Ella Blue, or the Judith Ripka evil eye bracelet, or the quatrafoil gold Tiffany key with the 30 inch chain. I should be happy with the Chanel bag and never want anything else for at least a year right? According to men that doesn't sound absolutely absurd, but to the true Fashionistas, we know that is just as hard as walking over a bed of hot coals with no Prada Flats to shield our sweet pedicured tootsies from the fire!
I did find a nice resale shop in Boston that will take my clothes and sell them to others who will love them just as I did. Good bye white leather hobo bag by Coach that I bought in Chicago on the Magical Mile (or whatever the hell it's called). So long red furry Kate Spade that came from Saks several years ago....I know you had fabulous leopard lining, and you were very classy Jackie O looking, but bottom line is, you were just too itchy under the arm to stand, so someone else will love you just as I did....hopefully more. Note to self....call Resale shop about my check. I probably made $16. Always hope for the worst, that way, when it's really a check for $24.67 you can kick your Louboutin flats up in excitement!
You may wonder, what the hell I'm talking about? How did this come about? Well, I'll tell you! I want a damn IPhone so bad that I just can't stand it anymore!!!! I am about to have a baby in 9 days, and there is a nursing app, and a diapering app, and so many other apps that will make my new baby girl experience so much easier. I need it! I haven't bought it yet because I don't want my husband to think I am a spoiled brat that just needs more and more and more. We bought our Blackberry Pearls at the same time, but the back is falling off of mine, and there are several missing pieces....it, is an embarrassment to my new, just got for Christmas, white quilted Chanel wallet on a chain. My poor phone used to have a rubberized cover on it, but Pigpen managed to hide that somewhere in our house. I turned that damn place upside down to find it, but was not successful. This was back when he could only say, "car", so there was no sense in asking him where he put it. I'm sure I'll find it one day in a pair of boots or something.
Still, I want an IPhone!!! Did you know there is an app called IFart? It has 19 different fart noises to play at your leisure and literally laugh your ass off. I need that! My ass has grown considerably with this pregnancy, so not only will the IPhone help me keep track of my newborn's nursing schedule, it will help me get my small ass back.....booya! What more could he want. With a helpful mechanical friend to get me through the newborn fog of being a mom, and a smaller ass.....I will be way less bitchy. Oh, I hope he's reading this. If he is....maybe he will drive to the AT&T store right now and get me that damn phone!
You see, I can't ask him for it since I got the military style jacket that I wanted from Anthropologie for Christmas, and then there is the ever coveted, wanted it for at least a year now, tried to figure out several ways to weasel it out of him, White Lambskin Chanel Wallet on a Chain with the pewter chain strap and 255 closure. I love it beyond words!!! Don't tell him I am still obsessing over the Turquoise and gold Virgin Saints and Angels Rosary Necklace at Ella Blue, or the Judith Ripka evil eye bracelet, or the quatrafoil gold Tiffany key with the 30 inch chain. I should be happy with the Chanel bag and never want anything else for at least a year right? According to men that doesn't sound absolutely absurd, but to the true Fashionistas, we know that is just as hard as walking over a bed of hot coals with no Prada Flats to shield our sweet pedicured tootsies from the fire!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The Texas Doctor
Now that I am in Texas it was time to see my good old Doctor. He is a very serious man who is genuinely concerned for my well being. He listens very intently, and is very concerned with answering all of my questions with the utmost integrity and honesty. I love him, and I also love to mess with him.
Last time I was pregnant I told him that he would see in my 5 page birth plan that I wanted to give birth on all fours, and then bronze my placenta after the delivery. He looked at me with a blank stare as he scrambled for words. It was awesome! I wonder if he remembers my last delivery. He walked into the room with my computer blaring several popular dance hits and rap songs. I think Sam emerged onto this earth with "She moves her body like a Cyclone" playing in the background. Dr. B walked into a club scene of pushing, rapping, and laughing. This was possible due to my epidural of course. I am hoping for the same fun lighthearted environment this time around.
My mom went with me to this appointment since my husband is working from the house. It takes an hour and half to get to the doctor, so he can't afford to come with me to every appointment. If he came with, I would be banished to silence and no radio in the car as he talked on his cell phone the entire time to potential investors using corporate words like "synergy, leverage, and process optimization". So, my mom came with me, and we planned out our day of lunching and shopping.
Once we got to the doctor I checked in and sat down. I love to look at what all the other preggos are wearing. I usually get dirty looks from the really tired ones since I do still try and look cute in my knocked up state. We all know that sweatpants and long t-shirts are the uniform of choice, but come on, not when you are out in public ladies! Have some pride! It was a little rainy that day, so I was wearing my Jimmy Choo Hunter Wellies with a pair of skinny "maternity" jeans, a cute top, scarf, Burberry rain hat, and my cute black hooded jacket with lots of pleats.
We got called to the room, and the nurse, who was new to me, told me that he was going to do a full exam....yuck! Not necessary! I frowned and showed my disappointment as she told me to undress while pointing out the grody gown and the paper thin sheet. So, I was doing just that when Dr. B came in the room. I had already taken off my boots and jeans, and I my head was buried in my shirt as he was coming in the door. He jumped, and then said, "Don't worry about that....we aren't going to do an exam, you can leave your clothes on." Thank God I thought! However, he didn't give me enough time to get fully dressed....I mean it takes twice as long to throw all that shit on when you have a huge growth in the front that impedes your bending over skills. So, he came into the room to me in my hanky pankys, long pink leopard print socks pulled up to my knees, my shirt, and that paper thin sheet wrapped around my waist. Embarrassed? Not really, he has seen worse....believe me!
Once we got past the wardrobe snafu, we got down to business, and he asked me serious questions about my pregnancy, movement, swelling, and any concerns. He asked me if I had any questions for him, and before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "yeah, why am I soooo bitchy this time?" His face changed from concerned to shocked as he tried to hold it together. It was hilarious! My mom blurted out my name in disapproval of my question. I laughed and told him I was joking....I then went on to have more verbal diarrhea and told him that my husband told me to ask him that question. He then got a hold of himself and laughed and said, "that is a brave man, not a very smart man, but a brave man." Then he got back to serious mode, and told me that I was probably stressed and that it was perfectly normal to feel the way I did. I decided that I better stop messing with him or else I was going to have to fill out one of the depression questionnaires before I was allowed to leave. I love my doctor!
Last time I was pregnant I told him that he would see in my 5 page birth plan that I wanted to give birth on all fours, and then bronze my placenta after the delivery. He looked at me with a blank stare as he scrambled for words. It was awesome! I wonder if he remembers my last delivery. He walked into the room with my computer blaring several popular dance hits and rap songs. I think Sam emerged onto this earth with "She moves her body like a Cyclone" playing in the background. Dr. B walked into a club scene of pushing, rapping, and laughing. This was possible due to my epidural of course. I am hoping for the same fun lighthearted environment this time around.
My mom went with me to this appointment since my husband is working from the house. It takes an hour and half to get to the doctor, so he can't afford to come with me to every appointment. If he came with, I would be banished to silence and no radio in the car as he talked on his cell phone the entire time to potential investors using corporate words like "synergy, leverage, and process optimization". So, my mom came with me, and we planned out our day of lunching and shopping.
Once we got to the doctor I checked in and sat down. I love to look at what all the other preggos are wearing. I usually get dirty looks from the really tired ones since I do still try and look cute in my knocked up state. We all know that sweatpants and long t-shirts are the uniform of choice, but come on, not when you are out in public ladies! Have some pride! It was a little rainy that day, so I was wearing my Jimmy Choo Hunter Wellies with a pair of skinny "maternity" jeans, a cute top, scarf, Burberry rain hat, and my cute black hooded jacket with lots of pleats.
We got called to the room, and the nurse, who was new to me, told me that he was going to do a full exam....yuck! Not necessary! I frowned and showed my disappointment as she told me to undress while pointing out the grody gown and the paper thin sheet. So, I was doing just that when Dr. B came in the room. I had already taken off my boots and jeans, and I my head was buried in my shirt as he was coming in the door. He jumped, and then said, "Don't worry about that....we aren't going to do an exam, you can leave your clothes on." Thank God I thought! However, he didn't give me enough time to get fully dressed....I mean it takes twice as long to throw all that shit on when you have a huge growth in the front that impedes your bending over skills. So, he came into the room to me in my hanky pankys, long pink leopard print socks pulled up to my knees, my shirt, and that paper thin sheet wrapped around my waist. Embarrassed? Not really, he has seen worse....believe me!
Once we got past the wardrobe snafu, we got down to business, and he asked me serious questions about my pregnancy, movement, swelling, and any concerns. He asked me if I had any questions for him, and before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "yeah, why am I soooo bitchy this time?" His face changed from concerned to shocked as he tried to hold it together. It was hilarious! My mom blurted out my name in disapproval of my question. I laughed and told him I was joking....I then went on to have more verbal diarrhea and told him that my husband told me to ask him that question. He then got a hold of himself and laughed and said, "that is a brave man, not a very smart man, but a brave man." Then he got back to serious mode, and told me that I was probably stressed and that it was perfectly normal to feel the way I did. I decided that I better stop messing with him or else I was going to have to fill out one of the depression questionnaires before I was allowed to leave. I love my doctor!
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