Flying Baby Angel

So I just got back from Texas yesterday where I had a wonderful time with my family. The Pig and I stayed for a week and a half and had a blast. I got lucky on the way down in that the better half had to go to Austin to take care of our condo, so we got to fly down as a happy little family of three. The flight down was good. We even had a two hour delay in Chicago, and that was fine. Not the greatest, but totally fine. Pigpen was a baby angel on each flight. He was happy and sleepy, and we all know that is the best type of baby on a plane.

Our two hour layover consisted of me walking behind the Pig all around the airport. I showed him the old plane in the roof, we went to the Spirit of the Red Horse, he rode on my shoulders and drooled in my hair, we rode the people mover about six times!! It was great! All the while my husband sat with our stuff and read his father's book. Once I got tired of chasing the Pig, I took him to his daddy and said, "your turn!" He played with the Pig, I ate some Ben & Jerry's put on my Ray-Ban Wayfarers, and took a little nap. All was dandy!

The way home......not so much! It was just me, the Pig, and our stroller BOB. The morning started out with a bit of a hiccup. I knew my bag was heavy, but I didn't know that it had gained 16 pds. It weighed 60.5 lbs. I knew that it felt awfully full when I was packing all my new purchases and gifts. I found a fabulous pair of Tory Burch dark chocolate riding boots for an amazing price, so yeah, I totally got them. Then I spotted the most beautifully delicious leather clutch at Neiman Marcus for another amazing price. It spoke to me in ways I can't explain, so I bought. I also found a great pair of Stuart Weitzman summer wedges that will sass up any old sundress or pair of short shorts. I own them now. I guess all of that added some weight to the old suitcase. I decided to carry the clutch with me in the airport instead of my Speedy Bag, so the Speedy and much of it's contents was then banished to the case as well. They usually don't charge me when I'm over, but we haven't been that heavy since college days. The lady asked me if I wanted to take any weight out, and I said, "no". She then asked me if I had a bag inside that I could pack some in, "no". (I had my Damier Azur Speedy bag that would have been stolen in five seconds, so no.) She looked at me and said, "Girl, you funny; I'm sorry, but I have to charge you." I didn't hesitate; I just handed her my credit card and said, "my husband is going to kill me", in hopes to get a break, but no dice. She did however, carry my bag and carseat to the x-ray machine for me.

I then roll up to the security check point, and this young Hispanic guy lets me into the family lane as he asks me, "Is it just you today?" I replied with a, "yes, unless you want to fly with me and help me with this thing, pointing to the Pig." He said, "I would go anywhere with you," as he looked at me way too long, and way too uncomfortable like. Gross!!! I shuffled passed him and headed to the belt. I placed my Jimmy Choo flats first on the belt, then I put my new fabulous clutch in one bin along with my scarf, jacket, and liquids; huge diaper bag in another bin. After all that was squared away, I took the Pig out of the stroller and placed him on the floor as I folded up the Bob. A prayed that it would fit through the hole without having to take the wheels off, but not dice. The wheels had to come off. No big deal, except that there was a "non-family" boarder behind me acting impatient. I'm sorry, but you don't come to the family boarding line and get huffy with people dealing with strollers and kids. You can march your happy ass over to the normal person line and get huffy with the elderly, but don't come into my line and act impatient......I'll break your legs! We made it through without beeping, and I managed to put the wheels back on the stroller all whilst holding the Pig. I managed to put my shoes on, scarf and jacket on, and do the stroller all with a baby on my hip. I know the people in the food court had to be impressed. I then grabbed my sensible clutch and diaper bag and headed to the gate. I stopped off at Starbucks for a chai latte, and a horrible 5 day old sandwich. I knew we weren't getting off of the plane in Orlando, so I had to buy something to eat.....the five day old nastiness was all there was.

Once we got the gate, I went to the kiddy table area, and made a barricade with the stroller, the diaper bag, and the doctor's office table maze. That worked for about five seconds until the Pig realized that he could crawl under the stroller to get out and walk down the main hallway. We played escaping baby about fifteen times. All the time I was praying that the nice lady sitting close to me with her own Louis Vuitton bag was nice enough to keep an eye on my LV diaper bag sitting on the floor as a barricade. I lucked out.....nothing was stolen, and the Pig had fun. It's so much easier with two people!

We boarded the plane between boarding groups A and B. I let the other families go in front of me since they had been staked out in that spot for about an hour. It was 3 giant Mexican families of about 6 people each......are you kidding me! We got on the plane, and realized that the other 3 families had pretty much commandeered the back half of the plane. I spotted a nice looking blond headed girl in row six that I decided to bunk up with. I told her that he was usually a good flyer, and I think that was the beginning of the end.

He was not a good boy at all!!! It was like I had traded my baby angel for the spawn of Satan. He screamed, he grunted, he squealed, he kicked, he cried! I wanted to die! He would not fall asleep until he made me crazy. I could feel my ears getting hot, and those little jolts of tension shooting up the back of my neck. I decided to take a deep breath, put on my invisible blinders.....not worry about anyone else but the Pig. I finally got him to go to sleep. Finally, some solice! Don't get me wrong, he wasn't screaming at the top of his lungs, and he probably wasn't bothering anyone outside of the three rows by me, but I was wanting to kill myself regardless. The "bitchy" flight attendant came by and said, "he was really fighting it, I'm glad to see he finally went to sleep so you could get a break." I wanted to Donkey punch her, but I was too afraid I would wake up the Crazy Spawn.

Once he was asleep I didn't dare move. My right buttcheek was completely numb, and the bones in my elbow were slowly shattering on the armrest, but I didn't move a muscle. But then, that, I have to go to the bathroom right this minute, feeling hit me. I realized that I had forgotten to go to the bathroom before I boarded the plane, and there was no way I would make it 5 more hours....no way! I knew that was my only chance, so I made an executive decision that my bladder was very happy about....I had to go! The bathroom was free, and the Pig was zonked from his rediculous behavior. I moved him into the empty seat, and asked the nice blond if she would keep an eye on him while I ran to the bathroom. She smiled through the fear in her eyes and said of course, so I jumped up and headed for the john. I got there and holy crap, it was occupied! I wasn't allowed to wait up there, so I had to go back to my seat. I just stood there at my seat as to tell everyone behind row 6 that I was next in line for the bathroom hands down! Of course, there was a little old lady in there that took about 10 minutes!!! Once she was done, I made a run for it, and peed like the wind!

We landed in Orlando, and I wanted so badly to get off of the plane, but no dice. I did move up a row, so that I could get Pig by the window in hopes that would squash his undying need to walk down the aisle when the plane was in the air and the fasten seatbelt sign was alluminated. It was lunch time when we landed, so I let him look out the window while I dug in the cavernous bag for his food. As I turned my back for one second, I heard a big thud, and looked to see Pigpen on the floor under the seat in front of him! Shit! Are you kidding me! He's never fallen off of the bed or sofa, but he falls off of the seat in the airplane where people can see!!!! I felt like the mother of the year! Of course he cried because it scared the shit out of him, and I felt terrible. Once I got him calmed down, he started to eat. He hit his food, and it splattered all over the wall and all over the seat belt! Once I got that cleaned up, he wanted to take a bite and then stand up and smear his dirty face all over the window! Needless to say.....I was dreaming of a cemetary plot. I spread my crap out everywhere as to tell the oncoming passengers that the isle seat next to me was not up for grabs! We lucked out with a row to ourselves and luckily he slept for most of the second flight. God was answering my prayers! I finally had a chance to eat my disgusting 5 day old sandwich and actually drink something besides water. I had a cranberry juice cocktail......it was pure heaven. I even got to read a little bit of my new Lucky magazine that had been in my diaper bag. The magazine had fallen victim to water damage and each page was stuck together, but it didn't matter. He was asleep, and that's all I could ask for!!!

We got to Providence and met up with Daddy. He had a Grande Chai Latte for me, and big strong open arms for the Pig! I informed him that he must remind me of this flight if I ever think of flying all the way across the US by myself again! I won't do it I say!!!!