Break Out the Maternity Fashions

Yup, that's right blog readers, this Fashionista is totally knocked up! Most of you probably already know, and I've known since May. The thought of going through all of that craziness again has definitely had some time to sink in, and I am totally okay and excited with the idea now. Wait......let me pause for a moment as I grab my glasses.......yes, "eyesight shittiness" is one of the fabulous fun happenings of preggoville. Yes, I'm really into using correct medical terminology..."it's medical" you see.

So, here's how it happened......oh wait, that's too personal. Okay, here's how I found out. My mom was visiting from Texas, and we were antiqueing on our free day (the one day a week Pig goes to daycare). There was an incident in the car that involved an idiot driver, and some choice words from the fashionista. My mom gave me that, "could you be any bitchier and touchy" look. I looked at her and apologized for my short temper and then went on to explain how I was suffering from IBS, irritable bitchy syndrome. I had only had two periods since I had Pigpen. I never had any when i was nursing, so it was like I was in eighth grade all over again. I couldn't remember when I was supposed to start, and I couldn't believe how bitchy I got when I was about to start. I was all of a sudden a snooty little eye roller who would definitely mock you in silence when you turned your back after saying something that I didn't agree with. Oh yeah, I could just see myself turning into a hateful snooty snoot. So, my mom and I joked about my extreme case of IBS, and tried to make the best of it. Every time I would get frustrated with something I would say, "oh my God......here it comes.....IBS!!!" We would both laugh, and then she would politely let me get it all out of my system like a person with turrets.

We were going to take my neighbor out for dinner that night, and I was sooo excited about going to a nice restaurant where I could wear my new fabulous dress, some Christian Louboutins, carry a sassy little Chanel clutch, and drink a dirty Grey Goose martini with extra olives please. So excited about all of this until I consulted the fabulous Louis Vuitton planner that my parents gave me for Christmas. I was just curious to see when the IBS was going to stop, and I couldn't believe it! It should have already stopped.....it should have stopped about 2 weeks before that very day! Shit! Was I preggo? I had to know because I was really really really looking forward to drinking that cold Grey Goose Martini with extra olives please. Crap! We had about an hour until we were to leave, so I remembered that I had a pregnancy test left over from Pigpen, so a pregnancy test that was over a year old. I grabbed it, I sprinkled it, and I waited with baited breath. We all did. After 5 minutes the minus line was super dark, and the plus line was barely there. Not a super clear result, but enough for me to know that I wasn't going to have the damn drink that my mouth watered for. We decided to not tell my neighbor and be coy with our drink orders. I did order a glass of Champagne, and I made it last all night. I mean, the French drink a glass of Champagne everyday when they are pregnant, and they have beautiful svelte children that are really fashion forward, so I figured it wouldn't hurt.

The next morning I rushed out to the Grocery store for some staples and a preggo test. It's so ridiculous that I still feel like I'm buying something that I shouldn't be. It's like your first time to buy tampons or condoms. I mean come on, I'm married, I already have a baby, so why in the world would I feel the least bit scandalous buying a stupid pregnancy test? I don't know....I just know that I did. I got home ripped it open, and took both. Positive and positive! What!? I was supposed to go to Mexico with my husband and no baby in a few months. I was supposed to look badass in my bikini! I was planning on not wearing pants the whole time.....just bikini bottoms everywhere, well, except for when I sat down to eat, yuck! My abs were back, and i was going to drink anything with an umbrella and at least 4 Mexican beers a day! I was going to enjoy careless dinners ordering sushi and champagne without having to order a highchair and a paper napkin to clean up the mess under the highchair. How was I supposed to do any of that when I was preggo? I know it might sound selfish, but mommies need some decompression time too. I have given all of my time to this little guy, and I was supposed to be able to take a vacation and do whatever I wanted without having to worry about ANYTHING!

Then, when I got over the whole Mexico thing, I started to think about all of the fabulous things that happen to you when you're pregnant. The frequent urination, the bacne, the total halt on all delicious food and drink, and I don't even want to think about how my body morfed into an African Fertility statue.....oy veh! There were no stretchmarks, but there was carpel tunel, and numb fingertips for about 3 months. There was also the sleeplessness, the waking up in the middle of the night drenched and wondering if you peed the bed, or if you were just that hot...and if you were that hot, is that like getting in a hot tub or sauna while you're pregnant.....should you be concerned? Nah, just roll over and invade your husband's side. Oh what fun! Who doesn't love waking up 3 times in the night to pee? Who doesn't love that stage when you look like you have a beer gut instead of a baby? Who doesn't love that inevitable night out with the girls when you are obviously pregnant, and trying to shake your groove thing on the dance floor, and secretly cracking up at what you must look like! Oy veh I say, Oh freakin vey!

Well, I just got through the first trimester. No barfing, but definitely grody nausea at dinner time. Ramen noodle cravings, and almost tossing my cookies at the fish counter. It's all back! Oh yeah, and this time, I'm already showing. I went to Neiman's to spend my birthday money on a sassy little designer coverup for Mexico, and ended up just laughing at myself and doing the, "I look ridiculous in this" dance for my mom in the dressing room as Pigpen kept crawling on and off of the platform that the seamstress uses to hem your pants. I looked like a ate way too many tortillas....it was terrible! My bellybutton is already an "outy", and I won't even talk about the occasional gas......it's actually amazing how something could be soooo horrendous. It really could clear out an entire TJ Maxx. Thank God it's "occasional". I wouldn't know by the way....I've just heard.....you know from other pregnant ladies.

Oh the wonderment of Childbirth. Ha! I'll keep you all posted. :)