Vagina Burger

We had such a big day on Sunday.  Pig had so many firsts!  The sun was finally out, the lake was melting, and we were not going to go through the day without a walk and some outside activity. We had already been to the gym where I got a huge retina workout.  Yeah, that's right...I said Retina workout.  I call it that because I went to yoga and rolled my eyes the whole time!!!  I hate the one yoga instructor!  I have every reason to.....she made us do crunches....in yoga!  Who does crunched and lunges in Yoga?  She was like, "put your hands behind your head, and go up for three and down one...."  What???  I hate her!  That isn't yoga.....it's aerobics!  I hate her.  

Anyway, I digress.....back to Pigpen's day.  We decided to walk to the neighborhood Dunkin for a little exercise and a little munchkin snack.  It was Sunday after all, and the walk to D&D is 2.5 miles, so a munchkin or four is okay after such a hike....right?

So, we cut through the park on our way, and came upon a fabulous little play mecca with several parents and children enjoying the day.  It was such a perfect little Sunday.  We pushed our BOB towards the fabulous little jungle jim, and Pigpen's dad asked me if we could send him down the slide.  By himself!  Keep in mind that he is 9 months old.  Of course I said no!  He pushed and pushed and pushed, so I gave in.....I walked up there and got him ready to go down the two foot slide.  Daddy was at the end to catch him, and I was at the top to push him down.  

That is when I saw it!  Some one vandalized the sweet little orange slide.  They "tagged" it like a gang member. They wrote "Vagina Burger".  I read it and looked at Pigpen's Dad.  I said, "what if he gets hurt on the Vagina Burger Slide.....he he?"  He looked at me and said, "that's pretty funny!"  We loved it!  Pigpen loved it!  After tackling the Vagina Burger, we were ready for the big boy slides!  I went down with him on my lap, and Daddy caught us both on the way down. We did the enclosed long slide, and the curly-q.  It was so much fun!   

Pig went down his first slide, he swung in the infant swing, and then he went with me in the Kayak when we got home!  What a day!  It all started with the Vagina Burger.  

I asked my husband if he ever thought that Sam would go down his first Vagina Burger at nine months old, and he said that he wondered if it reminded him of when he was born.  I hate him!

Mentor

OMG is how I have to start out today.  OMG is so appropriate because I was giving out advice last night to my little neighbor.  She came over for advice about her recent breakup.  I was so flattered, and then flabbergasted by what we talked about!  You wouldn't believe how today's small town freshman thinks she could bring her relationship to the next level!

So, here's how it went down:  doorbell rang, saw cute Freshman, invited her in, she sat in the chair with the dirty socks, a few of Pigpen's chew toys, and a burp cloth.  I sat across from her on the sofa and we chatted.  She told me that she broke up with her boyfriend last week, and still wasn't over it.  I had to resist saying to her......this so won't matter when you turn 20, and you won't even remember it when you turn 30, and you probably won't even remember his name when you turn 40, but I held back and just listened.

I was amazed at how fast she talked.  It was like she was speaking some foreign teenage language laced with "wickeds" and IM words.  It was awesome!  She didn't want to get back with him, but then she did, and she just didn't really know.  They cried after they broke up, but they cried via texting.  What!  As if it's not hard enough to be a Freshman in high school, but to be a Freshman via texting and IMing.  How can you even know what the other person really means or feels when you are having a relationship through modern technology?  I fear for Sam. 

I promptly told her that guys were more sensitive than girls, and that she will find that out later on in life.  I also told her that the fact that he is already dating someone else in a week's time is due to his broken heart, or lack of a heart.  I told her that some guys are dogs, and they will tell you whatever they can to make you sleep with them.  You can avoid this by being a good girl that is honest and doesn't play games.

I then felt compelled to tell her about STD's and pregnancy since I'm positive her parents have never talked about it at all!  I used the same scare tactics that my mom used with me.  I am proud to say that I was not a slut!  I was too scared of getting AIDS, Blisters on my cookie, or genital warts!  GROSS!  She then proceeded to tell me about "hooking up".  I asked her what that meant exactly, and she told me it meant third base.  Once she noticed the confused look on my face, she said to me, "you do know what the bases are don't you?"  I don't really know what they are in a baseball sense or a high school sense.  I was thinking back to high school and how I was always concerned with whether or not my boyfriend could distinguish between the padding on my bra, or my actual tiny little chichi.   Ugggg!  

We concluded that if you are bored with your relationship.....third base will not help things out, and that she shouldn't do anything that she is scared to do or unsure of.  I also told her about my favorite saying......if you worked on UCA Staff you heard me say it at every girl talk.  "Reputations are easy to get and hard to lose."  So, you don't want to get the rep as the "blow job chick", or "the village bicycle".  No, I did not say Village Bicycle to her.  I do know enough to know that she would not get it.  

I sure hope that I can have an open dialog with my kids about sex.  I think kids need to know all the consequences that can come from there 4 minute romp in the car.  Is a lifetime of funk worth 4 minutes in your parent's cellar?  I don't think so.  :) 

Shitty Day

This one is for you Michelle.

Our morning routine is, wake up, mommy has cereal, Pigpen crawls around, Pigpen eats, Pigpen poops, Pigpen gets a new diaper and a daily outfit.  The other day we were following the routine to a tea until Pigpen didn't just poop, he exploded!!!

It was everywhere!  Under my nails, on his side, back, hands, the changing table.  I was screaming and trying to breath only through my mouth as I used almost an entire box of wipes. It was a doozy!  So, we decided to go and get a sink bath.  This was the fastest I have ever gotten the sink ready.  I say sink because we have no tub in the damn house!

The sink has no stopper, so we stop it up with a bottle stopper for the baby bottle and a Tupperware bowl for his food.  I cleaned him off as much as I could, and carried him downstairs with only a diaper on.....he had the diaper on, I had flannel PJs on.  I carried him down under his arms, and as far away from my flannel PJs as possible.  I dipped him in the water, and saw some fabulous little turds take float.....awesome!  All I could think of was the 2020 special that tested people's homes and found feces in the fridge and in the kitchen......I know can relate.  

We bathed, and got dressed, and then he finally fell asleep...exhausted from such a movement.  I got cleaned up, and ready to go to Target, and then......I smelled it again!  He shat himself another time!  I was not going to bathe him twice in one day......that is unheard of! Sooo, with much concentration, I folded the shitty onsie over, and tried to carefully get it over his head with the precision of a bomb squad disarmer......no luck!  His back was clear, his sides were clear, but he had shit in his HAIR!!!!

I knew that I couldn't just wipe it out with a wipe......that is well.....shitty, so we headed to the bathroom and laid on the sink.  I was having nostalgia of getting my hair permed by my mom in middle school.....a noble attempt at saving money.  He was surprisingly pleased and still for the ghetto beauty salon shampoo technique.  

My husband finally got home from work, and needless to say......I was ready to hand the Pig off. He was giving him his bottle, and not having success at all!  I was ready for the Pig to go to bed, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.......

I grabbed the boy and tried to burp him.  He let out a huge burp, so I turned him around to get him in "feeding position", and that is when the exorcist came out to play.  He "projectiled" the contents of half of a biggie size milkshake all over the front of me.  I was wearing a wool/cashmere sweater, and a fabulous pashmina tied into a beautiful knot right in the front. He barfed all over me:  the knot, the sweater, and down my shirt!  Of course, I screamed and then we laughed for a good 10 minutes.  

Needless to say.....it was a shitty day. 

Blue Ginger

Last night we decided to celebrate my husband's Birthday and Valentine's Day at the same time. We had a Birthentine Celebration.  It was so fun!  My husband's boss recommended Ming Tsai's restaurant called Blue Ginger.  I called for reservations, but no dice.  They did have a newly renovated Lounge that served tapas and a small selection of entrees.  The lady on the phone was extremely nice and helpful, and told me that we would possibly have good luck with that.  I was in!

I wanted to look nice for my hubby since I mostly have on "lounge wear" that inevitably has crusty little snot smears on both shoulders from the Pig.  I decided that the Birthentine dinner would be the perfect opportunity to break out the new D&G pencil skirt and the fishnet Spanks that have been sitting in my closet since two Halloweens ago.  I wore a a black sheer top with oversized sleeves and modern tailoring, the fabulous Dolce pencil skirt, the fishnets, and some great Stuart Weitzman pumps.  Chanel bag, slate grey pashmina, and a short Audreyesque wool coat.  

It was the night before Valentine's Day, so I didn't think I would be overdressed.  I was.  The restaurant was really nice, but most of the patrons had on sensible flat soled ugly shoes, chinos, and North Face coats....gross!  Dress up Bostonians!  Talbots is not that fancy!  Anyway, I should mention that the skirt I was wearing has an exposed zipper in the back that runs from the top to the bottom.  Thus, you zip it up to put it on, and it has another zipper head that goes from the bottom of the skirt that you can zip up as well.  So, you can pull the lower zipper head down for a snug, "can't really walk that well" look, or you can zip it up for a, "okay I can actually take a step" look.  I had it zipped up just about 3 inches.  The skirt is a long knee length pencil skirt that fits like a glove. 

Okay, so, we got to the restaurant, and found a place at the bar.....the bar was small and super crowded, so the nice Bostonian patrons had to move a bit to make room for us which was really nice.  I climbed onto the bar stool gingerly with my tight skirt, and we sat there for about a minute before I realized that there was an unusual breeze in my assul region.  I decided to check the zipper on my skirt and that is when I wanted to DIE!!!  

The bottom zipper had zipped all the way up to mid crack!  OMG!  There were 3 tables of diners behind me!  OMG!  I quickly levitated for a few seconds and was able to pull the zipper down to at least under my ass!  Holy Shit!  Who saw, could they all see?  I was dying!  I told my husband that my ass had just been hanging out for a good minute or so, and he responded with a giggled, "oh no".  

I wonder if anyone would have told me, or if they would have just sat there and talked about me?  Thank God I had on the fishnet Spanks!  They have a black control top on them that looks like black biker shorts......thank God!  Can you imagine if my thong clad ass was just hanging out on the stool for all of the chino wearers to see?  Die!

My embarrassment was all but forgotten when Ming Tsai walked out.  I was so excited to see him that I looked at him like I knew him......well, I did, I used to watch East Meets West when I was in college.  He came over to talk since he thought he was supposed to know who I was.  I didn't tell him that I was the overdressed chick that almost flashed her ass to his Lounge-goers. We had a nice little chat with him and ordered what he suggested.  It was fabulous!  I am a new fan of his restaurant.  We will definitely go back, and I will dress just as nice.....because it's what you should do!  However, I learned a good lesson about the Dolce pencil skirt.  Do not wear it out dancing.  That could be way worse than any barstool mishap!

Another Friend

Okay, I should get an award for picking up chicks around town.  I met yet another fun potential friend at Whole Foods.  I had to call my dad after the monumental event since he was impressed by the clientele when he came to visit me in the fall.  He said, "well, it seems like you might meet a decent person in here.  This is the first place we've seen some normal looking people."  Oh dad, gotta love him.

Well, here's how it went down.  There we were, me and Pig, in the baby food isle, checking out the organic baby food in a real glass jar.  We saw a cute young girl about my age looking at the jarred meats with her sweet little girl on her hip.  I asked her if she has tried any of the smashed meat. What a line.....i am so smooth.  It worked!  I was really curious.......really!  I mean, those things are disgusting, and if another mother has any advice on how to get the little ones interested....I'm all ears. 

We started to chat, and I learned that her daughter was 10 months old, and soooo adorable. Definitely a potential lady friend for the Pig.  She was so cool, so of course I gave her my number.   I really need to get some business cards made that say, Name, Email, Phone, and looking for some lunching buddies, and possible play dates that don't involve germ infested slum houses. 

Her little girl ate the piece of paper with my name and number on it, but no worries.  I put her number in my phone and saved it this time.  I also called her from my phone, so she can't turn back!  We might take baby swimming lessons together!  I am so excited!  

Well, gotta run!  Meeting the husband for lunch!  Tootles!

Stupid Parties

Here is my question.......

Why do I have to go to a stupid skin care party, or discovery toys party, or some other stupid, please buy my shit party to go out and be social?  Is this just a sign of our times?  Or.....is this just where I live now?  Small town America.

I was so excited to get out last night and go to a party with girls and wine.  I met this really cool girl at the airport and begged her to be my friend.  I swear, I feel like a creepy dude that hangs out at bars to meet girls, except, I'm not creepy, and I'm usually at the mall or supermarket.  

So, I get to her house and was pleasantly relieved to find a really cool normal girl that I actually had things in common with, and to make things even better....she had a cool husband!  Great! We could actually have them over for dinner and have a good time.  

We hung out at her house for a while, and then went to the party.  The party was full of girls, aka, potential besties, so I was really excited to walk in and have some great little conversations.  So, I'm about to get a glass of wine, and the chick that is running the party pulls me away to try the sea salt scrub on my hands.  She took me over to the sink and swore I would think of her in the morning as I woke up with silken sea salt scrubbed hands.  Well, it is the morning, but I'm not thinking "Oh Amy, that scrub was fantastic! My hands feel like a newborn ass!".  I'm thinking, Amy, why did you have to monopolize the party goers and the time spent away from Pig and the babysitter?  Why did I have to listen to you talk about the great opportunities with this stupid pyramid scheme company and these overpriced organic skin care products?  

I'm sure the products are nice, but they were expensive, and there was no ingredient list for anything.  I even asked Amy, and she told me that the description was in the brochure.  The description for the toner I was interested in said something like, "witch hazel, various RE9 products, and other great scientific things that we can not explain to you.  What!  I love how they put random letters and numbers in the description to make it sound more medicinal and legit. 

They obviously didn't know that they were dealing with a former pharmaceutical genius who wants to know more than what they tell you in the fancy number and organic word infested sales pitch.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking people who make their money with Avon, or Mary Kay, or Arbonne, but I would like to just go to a damn cocktail party and not feel guilty about buying something that I don't need.  

I stood strong.  I was going to buy the toner, but I didn't like the way it smelled.  You can't tell me that the orange smell is only from oranges......I don't buy it...literally....ha!  And, no one could tell me what was in it.  All I could hear in the back of my head when she was talking about the eye cream, and how it made your face tingle, and totally filled in your wrinkles was my sister-in-law Ellen.  She would chalk that up to a temporary contact dermatitis that is reacting to your skin in a negative way to puff it up for half an hour or so.  Gross!  

The truth is, you can't reverse the signs of aging.  Oh, and to add insult to injury, the moisturizer of this miracle anti-aging line only had SPF 8 in it.  That was purely because if they had more SPF it would change the composition of the formula and not be as great!  Whatever! We need SPF, and we need lots of it, everyday!  That is the secret to beautiful skin.  Ask any plastic surgeon or dermatologist, and they will tell you exactly that.  

So, here's the deal.  I wish I had more friends here so I could just have a girls only cocktail party.  You would come and have food and wine, and get this, you wouldn't have to go to the ATM first because you forgot your stupid checkbook! You wouldn't have to feel obligated to buy anything, or have your own party so the hostess can get the fabulous gift package worth $X! You could just come and talk about girl things, and eat girl food, and have a great girl time!    

Dirty Dirty Snatchatorium

So, I went to PA to see the in-laws and got to spend some quality time with my two sisters-in-law, and my future sister-in-law.  We had a much needed girls night out on the town.  The town was York, PA, and the night was Saturday.

The dress code was casual....I brought a Vera Wang wool dress with some black slingback heels, but that just stayed in the bag when I realized that my one sister-in-law was going to wear her beige cozy crocks out to the bar.  I decided I might be a bit overdressed and not to mention cold in the fabu dress.  So, I donned a pair of Seven for all Mankind Jeans, blue tank, black free flowing Saks cardigan, chartreuse scarf, some chartreuse Borne boots, and some big plastic Jessica Khan bangles.  

I put Pig in his PJ's and headed out the door for a fun night of girl talk and cocktails!  Let me just say, I couldn't have been with a better group of girls.  They are all so fabulous and funny! We had a great time!  First bar we came to was a restaurant/bar full of locals.  Needless to say, we were gawked at as soon as we walked in.  We were getting those, "they don't live here, I wonder who they are," stares.  Then, they saw Emily's crocs, and thought, okay, maybe she lives here, but the other three....hmmm, maybe they are shooting a movie here that I'm unaware of.  Okay, maybe I'm getting a little carried away with my thinking of what others were thinking....it's fun though.

Anyway, so the night started off with dirty Grey Goose martinis for me, and vodka sodas for the other two girls.  Ellen was the responsible coffee drinking DD.  Love her for that!  She doesn't have to drink to have a good time.......I wanted to drink my face off!

Good time at the first bar.  We met the server that my husband's step mom, Trish, thought would be a good bartender for Michelle's wedding. We deemed him a doucebag burglar, and was thanked later by Trish for checking up.  

We went to the second bar, an Irish Pub.  It was a hoppin little joint that served York's classiest 30 somethings.  It was a great place.  There was one dude with a guitar singing in the joint.  I felt compelled to sing with him as I was walking to the bathroom.  He was singing Walking in Memphis.....hello!  I lived in Mempho for 11 years....I love that song.  I was singing and walking, so he motioned me up.  I sang a few verses with him, and then went to the bathroom.....in my pants!  Okay, not really, but that would have been funny!

We were feeling good, and having a great time, so we wanted desperately to shake our money makers.  Emily, the Croc wearer, could only think of two places to dance.  One involved fat girls dancing in cages.....bring it, and the other was a bar called the Hardware Bar.  We went to the cage dancing joint, and weren't allowed in since it was 16-20 night!  What!  A saturday night! Where were we!?  So, on to the Hardware Bar.  Michelle paid our cover of $5 each, and in we went.

I walked in expecting to hear beautiful danceable rap tunes, but instead there was a terrible metal band.  Gross!  Also, people were smoking in this bar!  Double Gross!  Then, I went up to the bar to get drinks, and the Gothy Pigtail wearing pierce faced wafe of a bartender gave me my drink in a shitty little clear plastic cup!  Extra totally gross!  There was a black dude in a wheel chair that had been modified for bar hopping.  Ellen was sure that was the result of gang violence.  Where were we?

The music sucked, but I was determined to dance, so I started to "space dance".  Space dancing is when you dance around the bar stopping only for a few seconds in open spots as you continue to "break it down".  So, I slipped on, I don't know, pee, vomit, a spilled beer, or maybe some dip spit, and accidentally hit some scank ass ho on the head with my fabulous bangles.  I apologized profusely as she turned around and said with her gold tooth mouth, "oh no you dient just hit me in the head!".  I said, "I'm so sorry, I did not mean to do that...I'm really sorry."  

I went back over to my posse and reported the incident and the profuse hatred felt from the smelly pirate hooker.  Just as I came back some boys were telling us that they "had our backs" if those girls tried to start any shit.  I remember thinking....good, that's a good thing.......where are we!?  

So, I was grabbing my Chanel bag back from Ellen as we were all deciding that the bar was a meth magnet that we really had no business attending.......and that's when it happened!

I was surrounded by seven sewer bitches who all wanted to kick my college educated ass.  They were all white girls.....some with gold teeth, some with no teeth.  One of them had on a hanes white t-shirt jeans and Timberland boots.  She was the scariest, and she hated me!  I decided to appologize again for accidentally bumping into their friend, but they didn't seem to care.  As soon as I said, "I'm really sorry,"  they were chest bumping us and saying, "oh you want to say sorry....you're sorry,  yeah, you betta be sorry."  I was like....yeah, um.....we are.  What!?

We made it out alive!  They decided that we weren't worth it!  We told the bouncer as we were leaving that he needed to hold back the smelly pirate hookers if they were going to try and follow us......we needed at least a head start!  

Back in the safety of Ellen's car....we laughed, we hugged, we were just happy to be alive and drug free!  So, the moral of the story is, don't trust a girl who is wearing cozy crocs to take you to a cool dance club!  :)  I love you Ems!  :)